Blog Archives

Catch 22

Fall – leaves turn shades of browns and greens.

my heart dips and I don’t feel that same sense of summer’s beams.

Alone. I look to my left. Creativity shines- glitter, stilettos- latex, white faux fur coats. All legs.

Like a string of pearls flung across a room,  a musky scent wafts across my midst.

Temptations persist. Glamour. Warmth is all I seek. Summer, why do you have to be so cruel?

I know if I cross over to the other side – I’ll be feeling the warmth – it will be pimped out inbox ring styles – I won’t have time to dodge the fists.

My body will burn up an exotic shade of hues. I will have no rest.

Hell is the other side of Summers gluttonous jazz bassline.

One hit. One vein. Blood – artificial nirvana could infiltrate my being.

I won’t have to think of the biting cold that is ringing in my ears. Muffled will be the ice cone, frozen on the edge of my nose. It doesn’t matter who sees that I have been seen.

Bus shelters full, spikes erect from the corporate underground – I can’t sit down. I know it takes fewer muscles to smile than frown.

Energy is all I have to see me through this cycle of undomesticated abuse. October may be  Domestic abuse awareness month.

If I hadn’t left my keeper, I would still have a roof over my head.

A blanket.

I would still be touched.

 Roughed up.

Better the devil you know – I know every one of his moves. I know when to dissociate –

detach my mind

from my body.

Floating above the marital, martial art stylised bed – I see myself and that devil I married, grabbing folds of my skin. He doesn’t notice the smell of the new conditioner I bought at Asda or how soft the sheets feel now they have been newly spun.

Dryer. I’m dry. He doesn’t notice the lack of moisture. He doesn’t notice that all of that fluid has shot up to my eyeballs. I refuse to let them free flow – I am not her. I’m floating.

Fly on the wall. Caught up in a spiders web. I have to watch. It doesn’t matter if I have a crick in my neck – oh hang on a minute is he choking me?

Leftover food languishing in the sink drain. He switched the waste disposal on to automatic.

Arrested, I am back in bed, under him. Time to vogue with my lips and give him a little pucker.

These white sheets have turned red in his need to let off steam. I come out in blisters hovering underneath his vapour.

Turn my neck – feels like I need a box of throat lozenges for having to get all deep throat.

5 am flashing in stimulant green.

I’m 5 months pregnant. I am going to be late.

Grab the nearest decent clothes. Pull-on my Adidas trainers. Scrape my hair up into a ponytail.

Finally the motivation to go on the run. I don’t have to time myself. I know his schedule well.

An Olympic torch passes into my hand. I’m running for freedom. Liberty is my destination.

I can start over.

Spring – blues, violets, colours in a perfect union – uncompressed. Naturally dressed.

For the first time in months, I feel like I belong. I too am a medley of colours. I blend in.

Natures milkshake collects in my breasts –  4 months to go until I give birth to a miracle of pure life.

Not branded a colour – just innocence – a chance to see a light – work on my soul and tackle it all. This is the only cure.

Vanilla.

I am no Killer.

Life goes in cycles. It passes by fast. There are no traffic jams when you have to pick up your feet and walk.

Eyes cast down, belly protruding.

Christian volunteers crouch down next to me- hand me a card.

Die and be reborn.

They can help me. I just have to give my old life to our saviour. I’ve never met him but he sounds

Forgiving, comforting, caressing- a handwash with extra Aloe vera – calming properties.

All I have to do is offer my unborn child to him and I can enter paradise with the rest of my weary comrades.

Eyes raise up to the bitter sky. I’ve always thought whatever is up there twinkling and winking down at me is having a far better time than me.

My unborn deserves a place in heaven. Earth only promises scars and wild jungle roots to keep it grounded to the spot.

The ultimate sacrifice.

Did I fold in with this cult out of cowardice?

I will drink my poison.

Maybe this winter I will be reunited with the one that let out a sudden cry.

Lead me not into temptation. I lie down, no need to be afraid, child. I close my eyes and sigh.

Hope is my last premise.

* Inspired by domestic violence awareness month*

mainimage_0

OCTOBER 2016 (IMAGE SOURCED FROM GOOGLE)

HERE IS A LINK TO A  POST I WROTE,ON 11TH MAY 2016 , ABOUT MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCES IN A D.V. RELATIONSHIP , TO RAISE DOMESTIC ABUSE AWARENESS IN MY COMMUNITY AND   SOCIETY.

CLICK ON THE PINK HIGHLIGHTED LINK BELOW

THE FREEDOM PROGRAMME

*photo credit Rhode Island Francesca Woodman, Benjamin Moore *

WRAP_ When things are at breaking point

Okay, so if you have been creating your WRAP  from week one. YAY! what a journey it has been, hasn’t it? And for those who haven’t you can always CLICK ON THIS LINK and see how you too can start your very own Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP).

Here is a clip describing a bit of week 10 When things are breaking down

Week 10  -down. WOW! two weeks and my three-month’ gift’ is coming to an end. I will save my personal thoughts and other group members thoughts on WRAP in week 12. I just want to point out that I did not think I would get much out of this but I can promise you I have learned so much about myself, how I tick, what helps me, what doesn’t help me and loads of empowering self-help techniques. WRAP is free. It was given to me as a ‘gift’ and I give it to you as a ‘gift’. No extras. No-fuss!

This weeks session focused on when you have ignored or not seen the trigger or Early warning signs and you can feel yourself slipping into meltdown, the plan to get that job is not going as it should, there have been delays in moving to where you are moving too. Your relationship is at breaking point, you can find no relief for your chronic pain if you have MS or Cancer even, but there is still a chance that you can pull yourself back and re-own your yourself.

Here is my breakdown list of signs and symptoms I feel when I start to feel like everything has turned to jelly. The stability is just that little bit further out of reach.  My list is very focused on Eating disorders because this is where my mind is at but I am fighting to regain my control. It is my responsibility to stay well. I can do this with WRAP.

WHEN THINGS ARE BREAKING DOWN

  • weigh myself obsessively
  • take more photographs of myself to compare them to what I think I see in the mirror
  • My perception of my body is split and fractured. I am unable to focus on my body as a whole entity
  • Panic attacks
  • Don’t want to or I am feel unable to communicate
  • Seriously thinking or actively starting to cut down on fluids and food intake
  • I refuse to try on clothes that I didn’t wear when I was at a body weight I deemed acceptable
  •  I will push myself to go 24 hours 7 until I collapse
  • I don’t want to g out
  • I want to or stop taking my medication to get my Bipolar highs
  • withhold love and affection -I don’t feel worthy of the two.
  • Lose my sense of humour
  • all seems doom and gloom
  • feel that everyone hates me or has a problem with me
  • Using degrading language on myself eg. I’m fat, I’m stupid. -all un helpful thoughts and mantras
  • I feel I am an empty vessel -no personality a loss of identity
  • I’m selfish and refuse or can’t look at the world around me and what is happening outside of my illness
  • I think about escaping- or over dosing on my prescription medication or act on it
  • Short tempered
  • Angry at myself
  • Depressed
  • Anxious
  • It becomes harder to look after myself. It becomes harder to look after my daughter
  • Sleep for days at a time or not sleep for days at a time
  • buy exercise energy enhanced pills on line
  •  over exercise for over three hours with no breaks
  • Indecisive- small choices are hard to make
  • feel disconnected to reality. I can reinforce this buy not wearing my glasses or contact lenses.
  • Spend less time with my daughter. I don’t want her to pick up on my emotions and for her to see me in a ‘weak’ role

That is my list. It is a tough list to do but if you are thorough and honest with yourself then we can take all these symptoms and experiences and start an Action Plan. All is not lost but it feels pretty close to lost.

You need to start brainstorming what you can or will try to do to get you back on an even keel. 

Create an Action plan 

Mine is:

call my C.P.N.  or my psychiatrist

Speak to someone I can trust- use my circle of protection. I have a select group of people I have entrusted into my personal space to help me when I I feel like things are breaking down

I can  look at my maintenance tools from week two and three and try see if I can reign things in a bit

look at the different uniqueness I have learned eg. the art of moment therapy, mindfulness, take my thoughts to caught, wise mind 

( you can always add more to your list as and when something you think will help you stay away from completely  breaking down.

 

That’s it for this week.

Be kind to yourself .Give yourself an affirmation to say for the week, do something for you. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Self care-

“Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.” -UNKNOWN

Ha! I love this quote. I very rarely let myself truly chill out and veg. This weekend was the first weekend and time in over a year that I have given my mind and body a true chance to chill and enjoy being in the moment.

Why do we think that what we do is– nothing? not enough?

I look back over the years and, at this moment in time, no, I don’t have a 9-5 job.

However, I have been working harder than I would, ( I am talking about me here), say if I had been working in a 9-5 job.

I’ve only just realised how important it is to take some time away from my work and what I do.

I love being active and in the last couple weeks-everything, I love to do stopped being fun any more.

 I was even getting stressed out about some of the things I do to wind down, an example is  Blogging. It was having the opposite effect. I  was getting way too grumpy.

I even thought of taking a break from it.

I have just  realised that all  I  needed was  a couple of days to

  • not get too worried about being up to date with my posts

  •  not  work out to my most difficult dance work out session

  •   not only seeming to eat bloody fruit until the wedding.

  •  not having to be the most awesome .. insert title here……

  •  not worry an have that inner belief that  I can give my all in whatever I have going on next week.

It’s Sunday and I woke up at 10. It does help to have a Bella Bee free night.

I didn’t wake up at 5 am to start blogging and reading blogs. I know I can do that later on today and this week and next week and the week after that.

Here is the philosophical bit.

I don’t know if it is age but my mental state is finally starting to shift.

I have my goals but I have finally started to stop trying to prove to people that they have to like me or what I do or say or write.

I care about a lot of people and support many people here and in my “real life” but I  now know I don’t need their approval.

Not all people will get me or you.

Don’t take it to heart.

No, seriously,

Usually, if someone seems to ignore you, is hostile,  is not consistent with how they treat you. If you are always left feeling drained or uncomfortable and generally bummed out around certain people.

99% of the time, it is not something you need to figure out.

It is usually all about what that person has going on in their head.

People who judge and are critical to others, try and target the people who are themselves and who are 100% genuine and happy with what they are doing and where they are going. Haters try to make you question if you are good enough with what you do or have. They never give you anything but a serious doubt in your abilities.

Usually, whatever seems like a reflection on you and who you are and how you are –  isn’t.

I know I am the only person who knows myself better than anyone. If I trust my gut instincts, I know how to reign myself in, reflect on my own judgements and check out what is going on with me.

Not everyone is comfortable with the fact I don’t hide certain ‘”skeletons”  of my life in an overflowing wardrobe, that I  supposedly should be ashamed to share.

My thinking is  – I share them because I fucking got over them.

If you don’t like that I am not all caught up in an eternal self- mind fuckery, that is your problem, not mine.

I and you. We all have a life to live.

There is a great life out there to see and experience. We need to take time to chill and do our own thing.  Even if it seems like we are doing nothing. We are usually doing a lot.

I am convinced that all the things I have lined up for this next week -will be tackled with 100% passion and commitment.

I’m feeling fresh, energised (amazing what a few haribos can do)

That’s it from me.

Daisy  ❤

 

 

Episode 1- Ghostown -unedited

In this first episode, I was entertained and surprised at the talent of Rael. He won me over even more with his candid answers to his own mental health issues and his life. He inspired me to remember why I started wanting to interview creativists and explore the link between promoting positive Mental Health by explaining in his own words how music and turntablism and creating new content helped him to express himself & be heard in a way that he wouldn’t have been if he didn’t find a creative /alternative outlet to make sense of his world.
https://daisyinthewillows.com/2020/08/03/artist-profile-ghostown-part-one/
The second link we chatted about ghost towns latest album ‘Fringehead’ ( there is an actual fish called a sarcastic Fringehead. I googled it!
you can catch up with the full unedited interview here or read it over over my website.
I definitely recommend checking out his latest tracks
Butterfly
Pelican
Talking Turkey from his forthcoming album due to be released in Sept/Oct.
Head to the feature below for more links
https://daisyinthewillows.com/2020/08/03/bank-of-sounds-feature-ghostown/

GHOSTOWNjpg

FULL INTERVIEW

Passed Humanities degree

I’ve finally received my results for my 1st year, doing my Masters, in Creative writing.

Drum rolls.

PASS-with merit. I officially can use more random letters after my name — ha ha!

I  am now in possession of a post-graduate certificate in the Arts and Humanities!

Wow! Amazing.

How’s this going to help me with what I won’t do?

I have a dream.

I do. 😀

One of my goals is to move back to France. They love people with diplomas. I hope to get a well paid job there. I need to book a trip to The French embassy later on this year. My husband has decided he is going to take on my surname and become a French national.  He’s English!

He’s not only English, he is  Northern, from  West Yorkshire.

 

 

I feel so uneasy about my family not having a passport. My entire life, It was drummed into me to always have my passport (in date)in case, we moved countries.

Which we did- a lot!

Moving on . ( pun unintentionally intended  :D)

What’s  happening in my life?

Loads of shit- ha ha! as usual.

I’m doing better –  I keep making a come back.  Oh, life – you little tease!

Dare me to live.

 Dare me to succeed!

Challenge accepted.

 

 

MENTAL HEALTH UPDATE

Yeah, it’s been.

up and down,

down ,

down ,

down –

up again ,

very up –

insanely manic,

toxic,

low,

not quite sure

,emotional ,

aargh why did that and that and that and ..

did I do that?

Those kind of moments, really.

Surely someone can relate?

Not happy about a medication increase in my anti depressant.

I don’t of any person who is on  (high/ highest legal doses) of

Two antidepressants

Two anti psychotics

Two anti anxiety tablets,

and sleeping medication.

I know  my health posse want the best for me.

I don’t bullshit them.

I tell if I’ve been using shit coping mechanisms, good ones. Thoughts ,feelings…

I made my psychiatrist laugh.

Go me!

He offered me psychology therapy — again .

I was like:

‘Look Dr J, seriously every time I sign up to a pyschologist , they leave!’

 All my psychologists have left me half way through  doing whatever new pycho babble, current trend treatment , is used, to deal with folk such as myself.

One dude, fell asleep in a couple of our sessions.

So, I was like

‘ Listen, I know how to use CBT/DBT, I know how to communicate and talk. I know what keeps me well . I just want a cure’

Another laugh escapes from Dr J.

He is a legend.

A legend ? yes, but not a wizard 😦

He totally gets me and I feel I have a choice in medication changes etc..

I’ve asked to come off one of my meds because I don’t see the point of being on it. It hasn’t helped me.

These meds have affected my memory. I’m terrified of getting Dementia. I’ve been on (legal) tablets since I was 13/14 and I’ve never been off medication.

Never!

Talking about memory.

I’m using my creative outlets to start getting into the open mic poetry scene .

I love performing but my memory is really rubbish. I’m going to brave it by doing more live poetry next week. I’m excited. Nervous.  It’s all good.

I have my final year of my MA to keep me — super  occupied.  There is a lot of work to do. For part of my thesis ( check me out)

I’m thinking of using my blog to interview creative folk who live in my community to talk about, their work,  (durr!)  Creativity and their mental health. My photographer mate is on board to take pictures. Some people have shown interest — yeah!

My heads occupied which is good.

Fab!

Awesome!

How will doing this  help me with my thesis and final work?

Well, I am going to use this year of discovery and research on the link between mental health and creativity as an alternative form of therapy to cope with life’s unpredictable moments.

Then I  will have loads of inspiration to write a film script (120 minutes) on a character ,who , is thrown back into society after a long stint in mental /prison  institutions , and who is looking to find him/herself  and another way of being  and expressing him/herself  positively, in society.

The opening scene will kind of look like this

I have an ending – (a bit abstract at the moment) – saying there words:

‘I look around for the first time with clarity. And see I’m exactly where I need to be. Around the misfits. The beautiful misfits just like me.’

DAISY’S UN NAMED CHARACTER

It’s all early days and I still have  4 scripts to write, a critique and a character  analysis on a famous playwright to do before the final chapter.

All in all. I’m alive, optimistic-ish, full of emotion, drive, passion , a pain in the ass but just doing my thing. 

All terribly boring really… 😀 

So, I am back!

I can’t commit daily to blogging but I have joined a group on Facebook.  

Shout out to Gary @ fiction is food  for adding me.

It’s a website for us!

BIG UP YOUR BLOG!

Bloggers.

 I’m  a newbie, its good be around other bloggers again. I’m hoping it will keep me  off Facebook and keep me connecting with people like yourself. People who use their time more productively. Doh, oh the irony.

One rant before I go :   I wish people would stop leaving public posts about my appearance on my Facebook.

If you ever happen to read this

I know you are having a shit time dealing with your own weight issues. I’m well aware of mine. Please take a look at yourself. Look after yourself first. If you don’t – FUCK OFF! 

 

That is a wrap.  I know. Hilarious! ha ha!

Thank you so much for reading

Time to step out and live real life..

Catch up soon!

What’s everyone else doing with life?  Blogging?

I’m genuinely curious to know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

WRAP is it for you?

I have been quiet on the WRAP  front – wellness recovery action plan. Only for the reason, I knew this testimonial video would be available for YOU and others who want to take their life in their hands and have a plan for if it all goes down the toilet.


<p><a href=”https://vimeo.com/153148446″>WRAP – Experiences, Benefits and Rewards</a> from <a href=”https://vimeo.com/janeyoung”>Jane Young @ earth</a> on <a href=”https://vimeo.com”>Vimeo</a&gt;.</p>

Anyway, here it is. I think it will have more of a powerful effect on those of you who do decide to watch it. Instead of me waffling about it over 12 weeks on camera. If you want to to do WRAP and are not in a physical place close to where I live. You can still do it via my WRAP page. No costs – for free.  Or you can go to the founder of  WRAP-Mary Ellan Copeland‘s website and pay for the various material (if it is not free) that can be found on this website. It all about you. It is all about what you want to get out of it.
I have found out so much about myself and what I am like, what I enjoy, what makes me happy, what keeps me well, what works, what doesn’t work, what I want people in my life to do if I have a meltdown.

WRAP – Life and Values

Another Wednesday already! 4 weeks down and 8 to go.  Today’s session was to focus on ‘the homework’ I was given last week- I’m a naughty student and didn’t do mine for various reasons. Anyway , the most important thing is we all did it as a group today. YAY!
So, if you are ready type or write this heading down
  • WHAT IS IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE AND GIVES IT VALUE

Before I  list mine -publicly -I would like to remind you that these are personal to you and you may not want to share them and that is cool. The point of this exercise is to get your thoughts focused on what matters to you. What makes you sit up and go ‘I can go on for another day’.

What gives you that sense of purpose?

Again these exercises may appear elementary but once you have it in a form you can read it gives a more concrete meaning to what makes you feel alive in this world. This list should be in a place you can access it. I laminated mine and I  also have it on my blog. I know when I feel like shit and can’t make sense of my purpose in life, or I sense I am losing my way in life. I can get my list out

 and go through it to remind me what matters when I am well and in a good place. 

Right, so here is a list of mine;

  • My Family
  • the need to feel on top of things
  • finances in order
  • organising my wedding (short term goal)
  • affectionate and love hugs
  • Writing
  • Learning new things
  • My mental well-being
  • Maintaining a BMI that is safe and that I can live with the least amount of risk of relapsing
  • Feeling needed and important to others
  • Gaining and having peoples respect (while maintaining my own self-respect)
  • My cat -Tatiana
  • Planning/ Goals
  • My morning caffeine fix
  • Making an effort with my appearance -dressing fashionably -wearing makeup
  • Getting my hair, eyebrows and nails done regularly
  • Having an uncluttered and organised home
  • Reading time at night with my daughter
  • My daughter telling me she loves me- love, in general, is important to me 
  • Me time
  • Being acknowledged as a person 
Finally, I don’t want to bombard anyone with information overload, so I have decided to do an end of the week mini WRAP exercise that we covered with this exercise. So keep an eye out for updates. The content is about what you need to do DAILY to maintain wellness.

Wellness Recovery Action Program part 1 follow up

I hope some of you have been able to put down some of the things that make you happy and keep you well and in a good place- mentally and healthily. To find out how to prepare your own ‘wellness toolbox then please click on this link. In the video, I refer to letting me or another blogger challenge you to do something good for yourself.
This weeks session we had a guest speaker who originally did the WRAP course 5 years ago and still credits her wellbeing to this plan. What I did today was think about how  I FEEL when I am well. What I DO when I am well ie; how I behave. I realise for some people this will be a hard thing to try and think about especially if a person has been unwell or has a complicated situation that needs addressing. You don’t need to make a huge list.
If you put one thing down then that is cool. Be as simple or creative as you want. The whole point is to get it down in a place that you can access it easily. One reason to get this out your head and crystallised is to say for example you are having the worst day imaginable and all you can think about is how shit you are and how you have nothing going. Get this piece of paper out to remind yourself that what you may be thinking at a stressful time in your life is not the truth. Get a piece of paper or type in WORD these headings: 
 WHAT I AM LIKE WHEN I AM WELL.
HOW I FEEL:
WHAT I DO:
HOW OTHER PEOPLE WOULD DESCRIBE ME   (I found this the hardest of the 3 to do but as I say in my video update, once you have done this exercise ask someone who knows you well how they would describe you when you are well.  This is a powerful reinforcer of who you are as a person especially when you need a boost and a reminder
EXAMPLES OF HOW I FEEL WHEN I AM WELL

EXAMPLES OF HOW I FEEL WHEN I AM WELL

WHAT I DO WHEN I FEEL WELL

WHAT I DO WHEN I FEEL WELL

HOW OTHER PEOPLE WOULD DESCRIBE ME AND HOW I THINK PEOPLE WOULD DESCRIBE ME WHEN I AM WELL

HOW OTHER PEOPLE WOULD DESCRIBE ME AND HOW I THINK PEOPLE WOULD DESCRIBE ME WHEN I AM WELL

The clarity of insanity

And at  the peak of my insanity

A moment to glance away from my apparent  reflection gunning down with its eyes of La Mort

I know that if I am able to glance away

at that reflection

of utter fear and self-loathing

See

my child in her stark purity dancing in front of the mirror.

If I found myself standing over her

pick up the comb, attend to her dutifully then

This motion is fuelled by a fierce love.

A fierce refusal to allow her child to be abandoned

by her own mother

The same mother who flees from her Self every day.

If this is not a demonstration of love

then it is a moment of clarity

I see the reality I have created.

Sweet bitter

I’m ready to tipple

Tears or bourbon

I’m no longer sure

Does it matter?

Then it is a moment of clarity.

These are my words.

Inspired by reading a passage of  ‘Memoirs of a daughter’, written by Simone Beauvoir and her relationship with her mother.

Trumpet life

Under pressure.

Breaking apart — splinting at a crucial fissure.

Until,

It  causes an eruptive displeasure.

Disquieted mind  brushes strokes of  bad blood around these elemental  chambers.

Cordoned off.

This is my plea.

So, don’t arouse my anger.

Beaten hearts with a wooden spoon.

These wings will fly-

I’m a fledgling not a buffoon.

Weep for the Teether’s – the naive doomed  creatures.

They grow into  adults

Dolly the sheep baa’ed down pilgrims rest on mothering Sunday.

Bloody miscarriages — that awoke the town from their  walking slumber.

Think 6 nonsense thoughts a day to keep you sane!

Perforate these gums.

We’re merely animals lacking in  humanity,

Evolved to maim the wold for self depravity.

Governed by  social media surveyors  cohearsing   joined up conversation into cursive bubbles.

Uttering bullocks — unravel the mind to overcome the low ebb of the  tide.

Disquieted mind tumbles over.

Terribly tainted its prompted to conjure a pantomime.

San Fransico knights

Dangle buckle boots or  bare feet over the  bay.

The full  moon reflective.

Learned that life will conquer them too  if it has its own way.

Make it a Wishing well.

Make it the  Stage!

Exist or live….

Hell is on earth  — uprise to increasing fees,

We’re bludgeoned to death

if we don’t  pay.

Over and over.

More and more.

Gluttonous gloaters   feed our souls community  with a  skunk;

not from Bombay.

We walk around the streets in mobile  psychosis.

We are a society fabricated from bedlam , deserted   in these woods.

Wondering about other lands,

Running away from daggers armed by cloaks concealed behind hoods.

We dance around  the pink elephant  cuffed behind its  cage — waiting for the  trumpet,

To spray all 7 dynasties  with glory seeds.

A trunk  with roots in disarray,

This is Life that I seek to portray.

*Inspired by writers block, panic attacks, mental illness, injustice, isolation, fear and the song ‘San Fransico Knights by People Under The Stairs’