‘Always look up wherever you go – those who walk with there eyes to the floor miss out on so much of life’
If you have followed my previous posts on from the start of doing my MA, you will know it has been an ocean of tidal waves and tsunamis and, high tides and low tides.
These still waters of mine run deep.
My First TMA (tutor marked assignment) Act one of a stage script about a homeless couple received a CLEAR PASS of 62%
There were tears, miscommunication, fallouts, despair and I lost confidence in my writing abilities.
TMA 2 ( my second genre -Fiction writing) I wrote a supernatural piece about a girl who (accidentally) commits suicide.
Lat night, my tutor emailed me to say she was having an issue submitting my marks via the online system and she didn’t want me to start worrying, so, she copy and pasted all the feedback and my mark into an email.
She gave me useful and extensive advice on what I propose to write for my EMA ( end of module assignment due in May 2017)
The second act to the homeless couple script.
I do feel more supported, understood, challenged and more confident in achieving what I want to do with my writing for this piece.
Oh, the results for my TMA 2
82% a HIGH MERIT.
I’m back to the marks I was getting when I was doing the final year of my BA in the Art and humanities.
I need to keep this momentum going. I don’t want to find myself under merit territory again.
I invest a lot of time in people and the things and causes I dedicate my time to.
DAISY DOES VOLUNTEERING:
One thing I have had to put on the back burner is helping to co-facilitate 12 weeks of WRAP (wellness recovery action plan self-management program) with the EIP ( early intervention prevention ) team for people diagnosed with at least one episode a psychotic episode
I’m gutted. There were many issues that led me to distance myself from this.
Issues of funding and logistics.
I enjoyed meeting up the people I was going to work with. I loved their energy and enthusiasm.
A lot was promised and then not delivered.
I felt the need to email my colleagues and tell them what I thought about how the course was put together- I was my usual blunt self and not very diplomatic. Ooops…
I feel that if the NHS ( national health system) in the U.K. expects results from a new therapy or a new way of self-help/lifestyle and illness management program, then scrimping on pounds is not helping promote or inspire that WRAP works.
In the long term WRAP (run properly) will most likely save the NHS money.
As far as I’m aware- nobody knows what is going on with this current WRAP workshop. I haven’t fallen out with anyone. I can’t give all my energy into something if everyone doesn’t have the same vision.
For me, it needs more planning and preparation and I’m not going to be that person who just turns up to volunteer at a workshop to go –
‘Oh look at me, I’m making a difference’ – when I know, in my heart, the results this particular workshop can have on people’s lives if it is implemented properly.
I’m currently putting my energy into other charities I work with to see how I can help them.
DAISY GOES TO HER FIRST SESSION AT THE ACTING PROGRAMME WORKSHOP :
I wasn’t nervous until I got to the place. I arrived early. It was bitterly cold and I hate the cold.
It turned out to be incredible.
We did a few Actor warm-up activities such as being aware of filling the space and being aware of other Actors around us.
We did some improvisation and using our body exercises to convey emotion. Loads of fun!
What a lovely bunch of people. I am definitely going to the next session next week. We all seem to have common goals and everyone is so unique and interesting.
UNEXPECTED SURPRISE ALERT:
There is a possibility we may (or may not) put together a little something to perform to students at the university after the 8 weeks. How awesome is that?
I do try and keep up with you all on here. It has been difficult but the more knowledge and confidence I gain in the above areas of my life – the more time I will get to have fun- one being reading blogs and blogging random stuff
DAISY LIFE UPDATE:
It was my husbands birthday on Valentine’s day. We have a sleigh bed!
hi ho! hi ho! it’s off to bed I go – ha ha! It’s massive – king size!
After the mid-term school holidays in February, my Bella – my daughter will be joining Year one ( she is in reception at the moment) for her reading and writing class.
She has two mates with her who are excelling just like her and she is a bit of a whizz kid at Maths.
DAISY’S MENTAL HEALTH UPDATE:
Long story short. Pushing other people’s buttons to get an honest answer has been difficult -emotionally- to sit with – without trying to avoid the emotions by self-medicating.
I’ve been angry at myself for nearly destroying the best thing I have in my life- my family – because, I believed ( with help) that someone cared more about me than they actually did.I put a lot of my energy into helping a person when they had a meltdown last year. It all got thrown back in my face.
I finally know the truth. That is all I ever wanted. Now, it’s time to let sleeping dogs lie.
That’s it – all very boring but it’s all happening
Physically. I’m eating better and I have more energy. I haven’t lost weight which is something that terrifies me equally as putting on weight does.
I’m a Jedi at laying my heart and mind and soul for all to see in the written or oral form.
This post, I’ve been putting off.
Wondering what I’m doing with my life?
My life looks amazing in black and white and pink.
It is amazing!
Until, I focus on perfecting something to the point where I know that I will never see perfection. It is something I am yet to put a limit on.
I push the goal post of perfection every time I think I’m nearly there.
I stepped back from blogging, volunteering and doing work in my community to essentially focus on this Masters.
Not a bad thing.
Since I started out on this particular path, I’ve become over consumed with it. Nothing else exists in my mind but this.
An unhealthy obsession?
Here’s me laying myself bare. No cameras – ha ha! you will be put off for life.
I didn’t think I would be accepted or get help to get on this Masters degree. I went for my goal like a rabid dog.
I got what I wanted. A death wish.
I’m stubborn enough to know how to get what I want. Or,at least what I think I want.
Reassessing the situation in the place I am in now, I’ve realized my reasons for doing this degree is not to write novels or random stage plays or just any genre of fiction.
My main goal has always been to use it as a ‘feather in my cap’,and an added bonus to use it in my C.V. so, that I can continue to work in my community with the people and issues that I am passionate about.
Vulnerable members of our community.
I want to do this in a creative way.
Not a let’s go to the doctor and get a script and go to CBT and get in the system.
I started this blog around the time I was doing a 12-week programme called WRAP. (September 2015)
I wouldn’t shut up about.
I still don’t.
Then, this summer I was given the opportunity to do an intensive 5-day training course to be a Wrap facilitator.
I worked my ass off. It was rough but I did it. I thought I was losing my mind.
I AM A BELIEVER.
I write about themes such as homelessness mental health issues, inequality, politics.
I did get a decent mark on my TMA 1 – but most of the comments ( in my humble opinion) are patronizing, insulting, subjective and contradictory – to not only my own experience, knowledge, and research of stagecraft and the subject I choose to write about.
It was insulting to the people I work with and where I want to establish myself in the future.
So, on principle, I am still going for a remark.
In order to get a Switzerland reassessment, I have to appeal for a remark to get another assessment.
I’ve stuck up for myself when I felt like hiding away from the life.
I’ve had my viewpoint heard.
I’m still doing my MA.
I’m already on to the next TMA and I have hit all my deadlines so far. I’m still in the same writer’s forum group I started out in.
I don’t mind feeling uncomfortable. I’ve lived with myself for 35 years.
Others might have a problem. I don’t! Not my issue.
I am open to learning from my tutor who I am entitled to disagree with and within my rights to question. I might not get an answer 😀
I don’t know this person well enough to make a remark on their character or who they are.
I can only go by the feedback, my work and my ‘come back’ to answers and things I don’t agree with or that I’ve already referenced to back up the decisions I made.
Back to re-evaluating where I want to be and where I want to focus my energies.
I’m not going to stop writing or talking about my passions (in a way) that show a true representation of the subject and the people who inspire me to write.
Fuck writing to tick boxes and conform to one person’s idea.
I’m enjoying learning.
There’s a wealth of resources and information that I am picking up with the academic side of writing, reading others work, reading other writers feedback -this includes the one/people who mark my work.
I’m open minded.
I believe I can learn something from anyone, anything- doesn’t have to be human.
My daughter teaches me several things on daily basis. She is 5 years old.
I’ve decided to go with my heart and my passion and get involved in a project that allows me to get creative with others and use WRAP’s key core concepts and ethics.
I get to be unconventional. A responsible rebel! EPIC!
I get to be a part of something that could help others before their issues become diagnosed illnesses in the current model of treatment we rely on to live our lives in as well as a physical and mental state as possible.
My MA is a bonus, in my opinion.
WOW! I get to be creative in my work life, social life and I get to have fun blogging and learning from so many different people.
Someone is getting paid to read my work and mark it!
True, I am paying them ( MA’s are not cheap)
I asked to do this degree – knowing full well I put myself up for the role of guinea pig.
Of course, there is going to be teething problems. It’s a learning curve for everyone involved. Students, tutors, the people who fund it.
I’m in it.
I’m committed to doing this first year, on the condition, that I will make it less of a priority to where I have placed it since I started it in October 2016.
THIS IS MY COMMITMENT FACE. IT TOOK A LOT TO GET TO THIS STATE. DON’T LAUGH.
My people – my circle – my family are my priority. Yo dawg, gone all ghetto! 😀
My interests, my passion, what I do on a day to day basis to fulfill myself and bring in some cash is my priority.
Blogging is a priority – I might go under the radar for a bit and miss out on reading some of your posts.
I’m not going anywhere.
I don’t do New years resolutions.
I prefer to spread my goals out over a longer period than one month.
It does work for me. Less pressure.
Since I’ve realised my priorities , I’m enjoying life again.
Writing, studying, reading.
I’m so excited and honored to be a part of something I feel so much passion for in my community.
We are all stars.
I felt as if I was dying – burning out!
I found out I’m not.
I just needed to scout around to find a place in the sky that allows me to shine a little more brightly.
EVERYONE SING 😉
‘Twinkle twinkle little star…’
Of course, it’s awesome to receive praise.
I use it as a self-motivation tool to achieve my goals.
We are all different. We all want different things.
I am no different.
Seems obvious. ha ha!
I’m doing what I feel is right for me and my health and the people I surround myself with. They have to live with me.
Nothing complicated – just plain writing with no fancy flowers around it.
I’m the best decoration I have -I make no apologies for figuring my shit out.
Some Dates – Not all men can handle a strong womare sweet when you remember them…
One minute, you are planning for your big wedding day.
Three months later and your baby girl is going to BIG school and asking for a baby sister – not a baby brother .
Because Mommy may have told her boys stink!
Mommy may have said
‘woah-easy- who do you think has to carry this brother or sister of yours?’
‘Daddy’ – came her reply.
Oh, I do wonder how excited men would get about making babies if they knew what they had in store for them ?
9 months of mind and body possession.
I BET MEN WOULDN’T EVEN PUT ON WEIGHT IF THEY COULD GET PREGNANT!
All totally worth it of course…. 😉
I mean, then you look at this “cute” child of yours.
Then the compliments come flooding in –
“Just the spitting image of you”.
Now, not only are you Fat- not pregnant – baby is out – but you have an Alien baby who apparently looks just like you do!
it’s not like you can just go –
oooooh, Stork -here is some butter – take him/her away and bring me who I dreamed about giving birth too.
Do or don’t.
My little lady turned out so delightful that, to be honest, if I hadn’t been at the birth – high on gas and air – and sick to my stomach- and felt that push and was stitched around my V.J. parts,all the way around like a hem of a skirt . I would tell you –
She isn’t mine.
I’m Night – she is Day.
Mending my ways – as the days go by.
Screwing up – with no need for any suicide squad of any kind to aid me.
MENDING MY WAYS ONE SCRATCH AT A TIME.
What am I going to to do with my day ?
It is three fucking am in the morning and I am reading about training, my masters, worrying about mother /wife/daughter / friend /duties, bills, life…
SOCS got interrupted – this girl got interrupted by my little lady.
Storytime and Stream of consciousness . I did the bathtime and Bella had lots of mommy time with me today.
Nope – she still won’t go away…..
Oh, she has gone.
I ignored my sweet child. well, I didn’t give her my full attention…
Catch the kisses!
I have a head full – no space.
I’ve got more responsibilities coming.
Usually, I am fucking chuffed to bits – it has dawned on me -what a huge role being a WRAPfacilitator is –
Oh, don’t get me wrong, dearie… I have my pre-reading prep to do and I have been giving the opportunity to do this training.
I get to give hope to people in a manner that a lot of people who have suffered abuse and trauma may have never encountered.
I’m no fucking teacher. They say : you are the best expert on yourself’ and that it 100% accurate.
One year ago I did this program as a student and now
…. well, shit just got different.
That brings me to the first ever Masters course with the Open university on Creative writing.
Of course, I can do this. No big deal.
Just a thought Sweet dates are just nom nom but my current diet intake needs to include more than 3 types of food.
Sugar lows are a bitch.
Yeah, I want to come off the sugar.
Recovery is limitless.
Trust, empathy and giving my time and working with others are a few of my strengths- it took me a long time to realise it.
I lost my confidence these last few months. I lost some weight and it scared the crap out of me. I am not going back into any eating disorder clinic
Time in there stops.
Dates become meaningless but I was always the rabbit running around,with that ‘ off with her head’ queen mentality of mine –
with things to do –
Things that I expected me to do
– and if I was late ?
Well….. as much as my mind can drive me into states of
‘I don’t want to be me today’ .
I know I have a great mind.
When I put my mind to it.
I achieve and succeed in ways that still impress me.
So, I am trying to write myself out of a panic attack of sorts.
I’m not the kind of girl who goes I will settle for a pass – I want a fucking first. My mind darts here ,there and everywhere-
Talking about my degree again .
I still exercise -even though I don’t have a wedding dress to fit into anymore.
The time is now for my inner fat lady to get my weights worth in Lard food!
I do know what makes me unwell and what makes me well.
I can’t fecking blame ignorance-
Aye , it is bliss ( I am suddenly Irish).
Thing is , I know that I’m running out of time.
The battle has been taken into the arena and I am getting battered.
I’ve given a few uppercut ,hook and jabs –
fist down –
no flicking at the elbows .
Still, it is my mind -so, either way, it is going to need bandaging.
I am a mummy!
That is so bad -crucify me, now, please!
So the battle ain’t over until her majesty of hearts takes a chill pill – an eternal one – like a ring -send her ass right up Uranus . Ha ,yeah you can have her.
I know my rights. I can divorce this bitch!
My energy and drive and passion and
need to be transformed into a wielding sword of success.
We make our own Fates.
there’s me doing that rhyming thing again.
I needed to get this out of my head before I ………….
No,giving up was never an option, so don’t worry about it ( in an Italian accent)
One last thing ,why do I get my Reds on a full moon?
Yeah, that came out- exactly how I wanted it to.
Reason being: well, it would explain why the hell I have been all over the place of late but I know the true reason.
Oooh, I have just gone all sexist on my own mind!
Conditioned or what – pass me the Febreze.
I need to be kind with myself, look after myself, praise myself, see who I really am, remember my true worth.