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My venture with her Dementia

*REPOST pour ma Gandmere and for feeling helpless*

For she’s a jolly good fella… For she’s…. a she is..

not even a fella

She’s 83 today.

Big deal, right? 

 what is so special about her lying in a state care home in a periwinkle neglige?

She is someone I dread going to see -every single week.

I won’t stop going – even when every at every visit, I have to protect every orifice from catching the decay lingering in the air.  The food smells like an institution – a broth of flavoured purgatory.

This is not the final destination- I will take the unknown every time. 

Staring death in the face – eye to eye.

She fights with every breath.

‘Tu veux du jus?’ says, I  – mentally fumbling about for something to fill the time. I pour her a glass of watered-down juice.

she grunts and moans in feral tones – I assume she means oui.

Usually, I am really comfortable  at free flowing . This doesn’t  flow  so well.  I’m in the thick of it. It’s a plot,alright. I’m standing too close to it to fill it with flowery words. but I have to get this out of my head.

My head shouts:

Move.

March.

Turn around.

Salute me.

Do something.

Stop.

walk.

 Over and over arrows laced with commands to make me revolt or dissolve. 

I’m  not so sure anymore.

I’ve got no other vices.

Thought about having a drink, taking more valium than I should but the outcome is always the same.

So, I sit here trying to process my thoughts. Align my feelings – they are like every kind of liquorice all sorts, except for the actual plain ones. The ones I look for when I want a taste of Life.

You don’t always get what you want. Well, you may have a winning streak for a while but you don’t know where you are truly going to end up, do you?

Sure. we have goals – Do you know with absolute certainty that no obstacle will come in the way and prevent that from happening?

Hey, Don’t stop the fight. We need more of you.

I’m not here to put you on a downer. 

Tripwire, I fall into the firing line. A spray of bullets rains through me.  Visualise it on a time-lapse sequence.  Don’t call me a hero. I am a coward. 

I see her fight.

83 years old.

She can’t remember,

can’t talk, 

she can’t even walk. 

The rings she has been put through. It’s not evil it’s truly wicked. 

She is so divine if only I could make her all fine.

Skin flawless. A  wooden doll. so tiny.  She has so much fire.

 Burn in hell, Weak? they said.

 She had it easy. (Life.) She didn’t for the fucking record.

 Stop the record!

Now  I can take the needle and jab any mother fucker in the eye, who dares to judge her with their hypocritical, artificial, over consumed minds. 

It’s like like the song – easy like a Sunday morning.

We all get at least one of those days – some have a more fortunate hand.

When will this be over?

When is she going to die?

Another person, I love and could have done more for.

No, no

No regrets!   the little sparrow bursts out a melody enough to make me weep.

Here I am bawling – feverishly knitting a   blanket infused with Tsunami waves, suffocating myself, wallowing- staring at her – All I want to do is start hollering. 

If I do I know I will get collared.  One apprehension is enough for one day.

I get to be alone with her.

She sucks up at least half a beaker of juice.

 I love you, gran’

Her eyes glisten – a meadow dew-effect. We connected.

She knew I knew she knew I knew. 

It’s that befuddling. 

I couldn’t hear the radio, I couldn’t see the lampshade glow.   All that energy directed me to focus on her mouth.  

Possessed,

 she came out with the most grateful and graceful,

THANK YOU – I have ever heard.  English is not even her native language,

to me – her own granddaughter.

Thanking me for giving her some juice. Seeing her an hour a week. It’s all sluice.

Drink up your purified juice. Punishment does not lie.

I ran out of that place- discombobulated.

Sometimes, I feel nothing. Other times, I am a gibbering wreck but I always have to collect and that is why I am a respected member of the poker face club.

I have my own Ma who needs me. My daughter.

I’ve made some crazy bets.

A lifetime of betting and I see only now, how important it is that I need to take care of myself.

There is a struggle – warfare -conflict within me.

Not thin enough to be hospitalised but thin enough to warrant concern. I still get appraising looks for this form I inhabit in now.

It awakens the Furies inside me. No, you need to accept me for who I am. Whatever shape I transform into. 

I need you to. I need me to.

She is about 5 stone. She eats a lot – can’t put on weight. What a fucking paradox.

I restrict. I know I am putting on weight. I deliberately don’t do cardio exercise anymore.

I do walk a lot  -like them L.A. girls. Power walk my way up   ‘panic attack  ‘hill and finally dwindle down into a corner. Shallow breathing.  It’s better than hyperventilating and heaving. 

Girth.

Something to do with birth.

I have everything I need to get obliterated- fuck I could OD – I’ve always been the ultimate elusive escapist of life.

I had to talk to myself.

Me? Talking sense to myself.

So it was my Gran’s birthday today.

She is still clinging on to life. She is not hanging out with her fellow homies in the lounge downstairs making cupcakes or doing puzzles – listening to Polly-the ultimate nutcracker, sitting in her favourite chair and swearing.  Put her hands down her pants to feel something. Nobody else cares.

I can’t swallow. These are not the most sprightly of places to visit.

How much longer has she got?

How much longer do we all get?

I wake up every morning to life- I stare at the innocence in the eyes – it’s reflected back to me in my daughter’s eyes.

Still, I  have moments when I contemplate dicing with my own life. gambling it, frittering it away.

To have this kind of raw, exposed insight. To know better – is self-flagellation.

To sit with a belly full of food and a head and heart full of thoughts and emotions

and wonder …

not wander.

I’ve done that far too much.  

Escapology trick 101.

I wonder why I won’t accept my lot.

Am I the only one?

Really?

I’m not convinced. I’m sceptical like that. 

I mean sure I’m special but c’ mon……..

I have issues- being a narcissist is not one of them – unless I am having I look like shit – no one liked my selfie post today.

Then it’s all about me mimicking others emotions to get what I want.

drifting…..  

 Thoughts.

I’m not overly whimsical with this post.

On a lighter note me and my husband ( bless him) we fucked so hard yesterday.

DING DONG!

We had a round two because I wanted my pleasure.

So I fucked him good and proper. I role-played, Gepetto, in retrospect.

I wasn’t bothered about his needs. For once.

It’s actually a kind of breakthrough for someone like me. 

My Nose is not growing.

I could say so much but I may embarrass him. Oh, hang on. I  do that all the time. That’s why he married me. I am truly one of a kind and so is he.

A perfect match. 

Ladies, you know how when you have been fucked ( I’m not talking about making love and a bit of slap and tickle) I mean when you wake up the morning after?

Cliche phrase alert!

‘John Wayne’ has come out as a woman. It’s all good but its the after-effects of pedalling on a bike, cards t t ticking in the wind, bells tinkering the first time – all that bruising. 

 Serious bicycle abuse.

My  Man- is hurting today. I’m laughing. I’m evil.

Don’t worry he enjoyed it. He keeps making sure I don’t forget it. ūüėÄ 

Of course, I was on top.

My ride – my rules.

So I’m gonna leave it there – I think I’ve covered some pretty big themes.

Sex, Life, Death, Abuse.

 I’m done.

Feeling vulnerable now. Do you mind if I put my armour of skin back on? 

If you made it this far – fucking well done.  Not patronising you. I promise. 

Not my usual style of writing. 

Life is short – make it sweet. Stay on top of the game for as long as you can.

These are my words.

* Inspired by my Life, Dementia, thoughts*

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Oh yeah baby – all I am asking for is a little bit of respect…. ( totally dancing on my own in my room – may just grab my hair brush )

TOTAL RESPECT to a very good mate of mine on Word Press for this award.

Who doesn’t know Paul ?

Talented, generous and a born fighter. I have a lot of time for this dude. Look at this face what is not to love?

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PAUL AND THE INFAMOUS DAPHNE

Don’t let the title of ¬†his Blog put you off – this is not all about fitness but it will put you through your paces. Or should I say Paul will.

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To train or not to train      Рcheck his Blog out!

So a respect award is pretty fucking awesome right? I want to thank Michelle for nominating me for the one lovely award Blog. I recently just accepted this so I have decided I am going to give this award to some one else I think is awesome.

GUESS WHO?

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SIMPLY ETTA D.    Your quotes  have inspired me and helped push me to move forward.

Here she is : I forfeit my award from Michelle ¬†@¬†PSYCHEDELIC BAY -WHERE HOPE IS REAL¬† ¬†– Small shout out to her partner in crime ūüėČ Cezanne.¬†

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SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT 

Before I continue with accepting this really cool RESPECT award. I just want to let everyone who reads this that there is an epic party going on this weekend at Jaquies a cooking pot and twisted tails. place. If you don’t know her.

Where have you been?

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Ha ha. She is another great inspiration and my Blog role model.

I also want to thank Linda G Hill. your ¬†Saturday ¬†soCS -stream of consciousness writing challenge. She ¬†always prompts me to get shit out of my head and onto the screen. ¬†You get me thinking out of my comfort zone which I love! ‚̧

Then there is the rest of you who I follow and who follow me. You make life that bit easier for me and I love all the different perspectives I read and the cool thoughts and ideas  you have swirling round those brains of yours РThe Word Press community are full of heart. We are empaths and should rule the world .

What are we going to do tonight  ,WP posse ?

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Okay so on with accepting my award from Paul.

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THREE QUESTIONS TO ANSWER:

WHAT DOES RESPECT MEAN TO YOU ?

  • It means having faith and self love and self belief.¬†

  • Respect is about using old school style manners – ¬†that will never go out of style for me

  • Respect is about boundaries and acknowledging others have boundaries and not to cross them and know when not too.

  • It means listening and it requires effort and commitment and compromise

WHO DO I RESPECT THE MOST?

I respect people who are honest with me. Who take me for who I am. I respect people who are true to themselves and are not afraid to stand alone when the shit hits the fan. I respect people who refuse to give up Рthe people who rise and fall and rise and fall and rise again.  I have a lot of respect for my Mother and my Nan. Two ladies who fought to keep me alive. I would probably  be dead today if it were not for their persistence that I could find a way to be happy in this world.

WHAT DO I RESPECT THE MOST ABOUT MYSELF?

Woah I guess…. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t hide my issues. I fucking embrace them. I am not really great at giving up. I like myself . I have a lot of love to give to people. I don’t take bullshit but I can’t hold a grudge. I try but I can’t -especially if it is some one who I feel or once felt a connection with. I hate conflict.¬†

ONLY THREE NOMINEES?

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These are solely based on recent discussions I have had with these Bloggers.

  1. BRENDA  @CYBERNETIC BLONDE

  2. SERENA @ SERENA JOY SINCLAIR Lifelong Learner

  3. BROOKE @ theutopiauniverse

  4. LISA         @KIDSCRUMBSANDCRACKERS

  5. ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE MENTIONED ME IN THEIR BLOGS THIS PAST WEEK. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FIND YOU ALL ON WORD PRESS YET BUT I WILL……..

  6. T                @ MY LITTLE BIT OF SERENITY   HAPPY 6TH ANNIVERSARY TO YOU AND PRESH 

  7. QUEEN BEE @ I SING THE BODY ELECTRIC

 

 

 

Strange Blood

Dad,

how do I  wish you a great day without addressing the past?

Memories are  usually a good place to start.

Let’s forget about the bad ones.

No room for improvement in a negative mind state.

You taught me how to fish.

That was cool because I actually caught a fish but I was not impressed when you threw him back into the ocean – he was too small to eat.

You taught me a valuable lesson:

Compassion and what is necessity.

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The night I was sat on the step, crying. Mom was going through a tough time. Nobody understood how ill she was and you sat next to me and begged me not to follow in my Mom footsteps. I would never live a life with joy.

I learnt that  enemies can want the same thing and can come from two completely different view points . Ma never wanted me to follow in her footsteps either.

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I remember the day I baked you a cake. You came over to Nan’s and you were sobbing. Great granddad was not well.

You taught me that there is a lot that goes inside a persons mind and just because they don’t express emotion all the time, it doesn’t mean they care any less.

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I remember trying to get to know each other in 1994. My holiday and first time back to South Africa in 6 years.

I sensed you were trying to talk . To break the ice. It is a pity my sister in her teens and  a little shit at the time and you had to act as the buffer.

I learnt that vulnerability doesn’t make you weak. I learned that jealousy is a wasted emotion. It makes us say ugly things. ¬†I am only sad you didn’t try again to speak to me -one on one.¬†

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I remember on that same holiday we went on a safari. It was a treat and one the of the best days in of my life.

You taught me that you did indeed care about my happiness and you wanted to create happy memories.

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The truth is we are not close for so many reasons. I am so over blaming. It’s un productive and the truth is we do things that we think are the best for each moment we live.¬†

I understand this because I am a parent.

I know it is hard to instigate a conversation with some one you barely know.

I know you may have feelings about what you could or should have done differently. 

Let’s not get too hung up on what we could of done.¬†

Focus more on today and what we can do today.

Want to hear something funny?

I may not know you very well but I have kind of ended up getting married to a man whose birthday is two days apart from your own. I am actually marrying my Dad, in a crazy round a bout way.

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AWKWARDS!

Before I end this -I want to thank all those silly quizzes you do on Facebook. 

Who would think that I can learn so much about you based on a trivial quiz? 

We may not be close but if anything happened to you and I held you in my heart with resentment and bitterness, I would never forgive myself.

I do love you, Dad. 

There is some ethereal sense of commitment I have to you. I can’t give you up. I have tried but I won’t give up on you -ever.

I know my illness scares/ scared you. 

I am much more self aware these days. I don’t blame you , Dad.¬†

All I wish for is, to get to know you better. To sit down and have a chat, laugh and I want to look into your eyes and I want you to hug me and tell me you love me. 

I know you do but I want to feel you  see you and hear your voice. 

Have a great day , Dad -from the U.K. to S.A.

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HAPPY FATHERS DAY! 

Friendship (T Y 2 Untangled blog)

I didn’t think I would want to write tonight. Then I started catching up on your blogs and once again you inspired me.

THANK YOU TO UNTANGLED -your post inspired this one.

Friendship is a theme I feel embarrassed to write about.

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WELL THAT IS A  RATHER PESSIMISTIC WAY OF LOOKING AT IT

 

I could blame my lack of being a girl with loads of girlfriends on being an only child but I have to be honest and say I was unofficially ¬†“adopted “by a family of three brothers and a sister when I was 8 years old.

Life was good then. I know I have always been overly sensitive – blame that on insecurity perhaps.

Insecurity is a learned emotion. I’m learning to unlearn being insecure and vulnerable. I’m doing surprisingly well to be honest.

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Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t friendless. I always had friends in some shape or form but I never could make that full¬†sorority ¬†sister- hood connection.

It’s not me!

I was the reader. The one who loved to look at family pictures and laugh about  silly shit.

I also moved around ¬†from place to place -country to country- a lot. I don’t think that helped.

I appreciate the travel and the different cultures now but then it wasn’t so cool.

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I don’t know if this ¬†is a mental illness “thing”. I do think having mental health issues took a lot of my time.

A lot of my years, to be exact. This is a valid point I am making Рit is  MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS WEEK FROM 16TH -22ND MAY2016Рthe theme this year is coincidently about friendship.

This post is kind of coming together.

I like.

I ¬†have had so many extend the hand of friendship over my life so far and I try . I do try and reciprocate….

….then I doubt myself.

I think are they pitying me ?  WHAT IS THEIR TRUE AGENDA? 

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I have been used -soemthing we can all relate too? Or is it just me?

Isn’t that sad – in a pathetic sort of way?

I don’t think it is easy to make genuine friends who will stick by you through everything.

I’ve had quite a few people( who seem to have the rock star of friendship crowds) – reach out to me to ask for my opinion or to talk.

I wander around my mind questioning why not their closest friends?

 

I’ve got my hen do coming up and I suppose that has got me thinking a lot about friendship too, for obvious reasons.

There is random assortment of lovely people invited.Some  I have known for many years in different ways and some not so long.

Surely, I can’t be the only one who feels this?

I don’t think people would volunteer if it wasn’t for at least part of the potential ¬†social life aspect.

I see these girls with their girlfriends and I wonder…

I don’t wander.

I wonder…..

If 

How

Why

Why not?

Am I lonely? 

I think the saying about being in a room full of acquaintances and friends and still feeling alone and lonely holds true.

I sense  I could be on stage -people come to see me and still feel alone.

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I was feeling kind of emotional a few days ago (that time of month, wedding stress and life ) and a bit insecure with this whole hen do coming up.

My Ma is organising it and she has invited a bunch of people –

I got it in my head that these people were using the pity card and I cried to my Ma on the phone – (yes, 34 year old women do cry sometimes)

“I don’t have any friends “

My Ma  was on the other end of the line and said

“I’m your friend”¬†

She is -possibly one of the best friends I have ever had.

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I said my good byes and wiped away my tears and then one friend I have known for years rang me. She is not very well. We have one of those when I see/speak to you -we pick up where we left off.

She wasn’t doing too well and I listened like I always do but then I had to tell her to listen to me.

This is new territory for me.

I told her all about my crap day and week  and the shitty people I had to talk too and she just listened. We ended the phone call -laughing.

Another friend rang me and again Рnot a person I see all the time but we had a good giggle  too.

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So this brings me to the question can a person who services your car, as an example, become a friend?

I am supposing yes. Especially, when I consider the amount of life details and secrets we know about one another.

To me  that person becomes my friend when I feel a sense/duty of loyalty towards that person.

I get on with guys but it would be awesome to find out what the whole ‘Sex and the city’ ¬†or ‘Friends’ friendship life is like.

So, yeah, I often took the lonely route to wherever I was headed -forever getting lost…

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…even when the phone was shrieking at me to pick up ¬†– people were reaching out to come and get me. I couldn’t reach back.

I can’t have regrets.

Not all people are meant to be friends.

Some I am glad I am not friends with. I have seen many fickle people in my time too. 

DUPLICITOUS is a good word for how ¬†I’ve seen some people do “friendship”

I don’t need a hundred- a handful of close and true friends would be one genie wish.

I don’t know….

What I ¬†do know is, that the ones who turn up to my hen do – there is a bunch of people I have known for many years and some only a few. We have all had our lives to endure and I’ve noticed a lot of the people I’ve got to know -hold back too.

So what?

I may not have a thriving social life with a hundred and one mates but the ones who let me be me and genuinely are there for me are the ones that count.

It only takes ONE to make it count…

Thanks for the inspiration….

I don’t feel embarrassed any longer.

I feel free and I feel authentic and I never want to fucking change that part of me.

that’s it. I guess ūüôā

Get Creative

Monday has  automatically become awesome when  the word creativity is put before or after the M -word.

I’m really excited to go down to my local radio station- PHOENIX RADIO¬†and learn a bit about recording pieces of audio. I touched on this in one of my modules at college – I had to write, produce and cast a radio play. I did an adaptation of one of the scenes from the movie ‘Natural Born Killers’.

The most fun I had was putting the SFX – sound effects in.

I also got to act in another colleagues radio play. It is a place I felt quite comfortable acting.

CREATIVE MINDS – a charity I’ve yet to do anything with yet will be hosting this workshop. It will also give volunteers like myself the opportunity to get to know more about the CREATIVE MINDS PROJECT.

I know that I  thrive in creative environments so I have been looking forward to today.

I have a couple of ideas I want to thrash out and hopefully by the end of today I will have something as opposed to nothing. 

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Yeah, it can be scary getting yourself out there and of course I want to be a credit to whatever I get involved in.

So to all of you who are trying new things today. Be it a

  • Job

  • Course

  • Diet change

  • new driving route

  • sport/gym

  • Moving home

  • Date

  • new holiday destination

  • new school

The list is endless.

It’s okay to feel nervous and scared. I may not come across as a nervous and scared person but I too am just a human being, I feel the nerves too. I have my own way of dealing with nerves.

I’m going to learn or expand on ¬†my learning, give my time and possibly talk about future plans.

I’m trying not to expect too much. I think that is the key..

Being scared and anxious is normal. Meeting or working with new people can be daunting. It’s not a bad feeling to have.

In my experience when I have these feelings, especially when I am doing something different,I see these feelings as a positive . It reminds me that I care about what I am going to do and it tells me I am passionate about whatever it is I am going to do.

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There is nothing wrong with wanting to be successful and to want to  have the ability to learn new skills and be credited for them.

All these skills and things we do make a great base for what we set up for ourselves in the future. We may not know what is going to happen in the future.

That is cool too.

What is important is that you never stop developing your skills and you never stop working on yourself.

You never know what it may lead to and who it might help.

Sometimes just your presence can be seen as support for whatever it is you sign up for or do.

Give yourself credit for the space you rightfully take up in your world.

A lot of the times what you do has a huge impact on helping others who are doing something new too.

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The best way I can  explain this is

I’m going to this workshop today. I may or may not think I will be useless. I don’t know much about this project.

How long it has been running.

If it is a new idea or project that someone has put together to see if something creative and productive can come out of it.

Using myself as an example.

If I don’t put myself out there and engage I may never know what could happen.

I may be the only person who turns up.

I’m NOT saying this is the case in this situation but I want you to see how important you and your presence ¬†is in the world you live in.

Don’t be afraid of creativity.

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There is no way you can get creativity wrong. What is creative to one person may not be to another.

That is the beauty of it.

Have an epic day.

Try be creative in whatever you do. I am going to have a bath after gym. I may sing in the bath.

I’m being creative.

It’s that simple

Seize the day and be counted!

Building bridges

“I’m not a wilting flower. I’m honest, so I pick a lot of fights. I’ve burned a lot of bridges.” Scott Thompson

 

SO WHY THIS QUOTE?

I don’t go around the streets picking fights with everyone.

I don’t go hollering ‘Yo mama is so big……..

I have always been willful and stubborn and not afraid to speak my mind. I then became a teenager and I got bullied emotionally and I became ill and I lost my voice.

Then I found it again!  WOOP!

I have burnt a lot of bridges speaking my mind with certain exes I didn’t have the courage or confidence to speak up when I ¬†split with them. The power of social media came and gave me a chance to speak my mind. There are a few men who won’t let go and just be cool and be friends. ¬†I see that as an issue with them. I am at peace with my past and I have forgiven myself and others.

It is no one person’s fault but I am at that point in my life where I go

” – shit, ¬†man… I’m not holding any grudges. I don’t want to take that bitterness with me.”

I have learned to tone down my bluntness. I remember a time before my Gran had Dementia. She lived a good life until my grandpa passed on with cancer and then we lost our home, diaries, pictures, everything.

We moved from South Africa to France and then the   U.K. to make a new life.

Anyway, that’s a whole other book.

My Gran bought a fake oyster pearl Rolex on-line. She asked me to buy it for her on-line. I was muttering on about politics and slavery and how we are not helping people working in sweatshops, to improve their working conditions and life.

A few weeks later. We were out in town and in her charming French accent. She asked me what I thought of her new Rolex watch.

The first thing I thought,

I said.

“It looks fake!”

Well, to say my Gran was offended was an understatement. I was met with such vehemence. Anyone would have thought I had told her, she smells like the sewerage system in Barcelona.

We had a  bit of a to do. Gran:

How dare you talk to me that way. You have no respect.”

My Ma was trying to get me to apologise and I was standing my ground.

Why must I lie? I have every right, to tell the truth. What has respect got to with my opinions?

No, I didn’t burn my bridges for good. I love my Gran and she loves me -even now that she has Dementia and only sort of knows I ¬†am someone she was close to.

I’ve burnt bridges with family members like my Dad and my uncles. ¬†So many people have turned away. Sometimes it is because I refused to hide my quirks – or my illness and how I coped with life,I was misunderstood and people thought I was being a douche bag. ¬†I have been a bit of a ¬†dick at times.

It happens.

What is the single most important aim for me now?  Today.

Is knowing I can rebuild bridges if I want to.

We all can.

I’ve got the love back and respect back from some of the people who matter to me. I can say I have tried.

If people don’t want to help you reconnect or just acknowledge your differences for peace of mind. That is their problem, not mine or yours.

It’s not worth hold in on to a grudge. It’s ¬†not worth thinking that because you fucked up a lot that you can’t ever go through life not fucking up again

I only recently “fucked up” again, ¬†( I say this in very loose terms) with some work I am involved in. It was dealt with fairly,

I got to speak my mind.

I came to the conclusion that letting shit go and working with someone or something is far better in my interests than turning my back and walking away. Especially since I have put a lot of effort and passion and hours into this project.

 I  have become that person that puts aside my harsh feelings and I am usually the first person to be happy for peace.

I don’t want drama! I really don’t.

I wish I could let go of my weight and scales issues.  I  should practice what I preach.

I do but when it comes to my Eating disorder…

well, it’s a never-ending bloody soap opera. ¬†There are only so many times you can bring a character back from the dead, right?

Have hope! Bridges can be rebuilt and if not -it says more about you and the type of person you are, to make the effort and the courage it takes to be the person to try and make amends.

Remember, if someone won’t entertain you after you try to make amends.

Move the fuck on.

There is so much more of life to see and wasting it waiting around for someone to like you again or forgive you is a waste of time.

So hold no grudges and move on today!

Follow Great Footsteps Unity

“As a bee sips nectar from many flowers and make a hive from honey,so that not one drop can claim, ‘I am from this flower or that’. All creatures, though one, do not realize they are one.” Upanishads (c1000 BC) #FollowGreatFootsteps

WHY HAVE I CHOSEN THIS QUOTE:

This week terrorism dominated the head lines in the news.  Still trying to further their warped and chaotic quest to divide people. This is a simple reminder that we all bleed, we all are born the same way, we eat ,sleep and all have to take a crap. We are more similar in spite of our differences. Remember this. It is Easter. Some may not celebrate it but it is a time for coming together.

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Have a great Easter. ūüôā

Gratitude

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” William Arthur Ward #FollowGreatFootsteps¬†

WHY HAVE I CHOSEN THIS QUOTE?

It’s straight forward. I went to ¬† bed last night feeling not enough.

Not talented enough.

Successful enough.

Smart enough.

Think of a bucket full of negative thoughts- it had my name on it. I went to bed to shut out my ‘not enough s’ – I didn’t want to hear it.

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I do have enough and I am enough.

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  • My Ma and my partner and me have worked hard on what is going to be a beautiful wedding day

  • I have the strength in my body to do the things I want. My body never lets me down

  • My mind is able to think, express and help me do things like write and blog

  • I wake up each day and I have at least one new person reaching out to me through my blog and making new connections – I find it mind blowing. I reach back

  • In my real life I have people to share good times and bad times with and people who reach out to little old me

  • I get to volunteer for causes close to my heart and go on training sessions

  • I also am getting the chance to do training sessions on become an on-line moderator with #SickNotWeek soon

  • I get so much feedback from each person who notices me in this vast blog-sphere

  • I’m able to relate and empathise and feel and express my feelings with no shame

  • My partner makes me a cup of coffee every morning

  • My beautiful daughter is the most compassionate, funny, smart little four year old I know and she LOVES me.

  • People accept me for who I am and I do the same whole heartedly

  • People on-line and off put their trust in me and I will never betray them

  • I get to learn everyday in the real world and my blogging world

These are just a few reasons why I am blessed.  So thank you..

I take notice of every action expressed. I don’t forget. I feel part of a community on here. I love getting to know such an array of different personalities and the blogs you put out here. I love where I am in my my life and how it is moving forward in a way that I am at peace with.

So that’s it. I’m just a grateful weed who turned her face to the sun and blossomed because of the people in my on line life and my real life.

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Symbols Giants

Why so many myths about giants?

What do they represent to us symbolically? When we are children the first giants we meet are usually our parents. ¬†I can remember how terrified I was when my Mom got angry. She wasn’t being cruel but her anger was volumized because of her physical body and presence. People who get attacked or raped usually describe their attackers as bigger than they are in real life ( if they get caught)

Giants are always in a shit mood. All those anger issues ¬†-Sheesh. So uncontrolled, so …. uncivilised. They intimidate with their brute force. Giants are not usually seen to be as the smartest of creatures. Famous myths usually depict Heroes like David in ‘‘DAVID AND GOLIATH’ and Odyssey’s little meeting with CYCLOPS, as only being able to defeat these creatures by using their wits. Thinking on their feet literally.

 

David has his slingshot and Odysseys?  well he gets a  rather hospitable greeting with Polyphemus- the Cyclops- throwing rocks at him!

How uncouth ;).

What does our hero do to the one-eyed monster? He jabs him in the eye and then flees with his crewmates. One step closer to being reunited with his dutiful and faithful Penelope- who also has had to use her wits in the many years her husband has been sparring at sea.  but that is a whole other post and story.

¬†So do GIANTS show us that Wisdom always overcomes Ignorance? ¬†Harry potter didn’t do so bad. What does this say about huge multi corporation industries(oil, guns trade, drugs trade, most governments) ¬†who in ignorance will do anything to protect their own agenda and interests – bullying, control, destroy the earth even? These are the giant monster of today. I don’t see anyone hero coming to our home to rescue it and us; but us folk who stand together and use our wits, can bring down the biggest and scariest of monsters. We just need to overcome our fear.

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How many times can a heartbreak‚Äč?

I don’t know how this post is going to take form. Well, it will be in a ¬†word press post form, I don’ know what the hell I’m going to put down or how it is going to end. All I know is that after having a conversation with a¬†close friend of mine. I am left feeling crushed like ¬†I’ve spiralled, fallen- ¬†down a long dark hole of wretchedness. I should have been there for this person, so she ¬†could ¬†talk and unburden her darkest thoughts, instead of sitting in¬†silence¬† for¬†a long time. Someone so close to me has been living in anguished silence for so long. I’ve documented in previous posts of ¬†my experiences with living ¬†in a brutal and disturbing relationship. ¬†I guess, it is easier for me to write ¬†about what happened to me because I can detach myself from the experiences .

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LOVE IS BLIND SILENCE IS DECEIVING

NO,this may not be a good way of dealing with abuse but at least I am still writing and talking about it.

This person is my most cherished friend . ¬†I feel I have failed to be a good enough friend. I have know this person for over 20 years. She has the most tender-hearted nature, a charitable ¬†heart. She is strikingly beautiful. Heads turn. Looking into her eyes is like looking into a¬†Caribbean¬†ocean. The colour is startlingly¬†beautiful¬†. It’s¬†comfortingly hypnotizing . In many ways she has always reminded me of the late princes Diana, she has the same grace and class, and is not ¬†even aware of how alluring ¬†she is.

We went for a coffee today and when I walked out of that coffee shop and said good bye- it felt like I was stumbling about in some ghastly trance. It was like I had floated up into the air like a bubble; I ¬†was looking down at myself -I could see myself walking -in a dwell. Each breathe I managed to gulp down was molested with the vision and words I had heard, come out of my friends mouth. I couldn’t hear the cars nor people’s ¬†murmurs. I went shopping and bought things in an attempt to prick this possessive bubble that had ¬†learned how to become impenetrable. ¬† I dumped a bunch of items in my trolley. I needed to distract the haunting picture of pain ¬†on my friends¬†face. Frozen- a¬†click , a flash. A picture captured for all¬†eternity. I had to eradicate it-¬†censor it form my mind.¬†

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ERASE THIS PICTURE FROM MY MIND

Abuse as you may or may not know is not going to just go away – I’m not going to stop writing about it and talking about it. When a friend you think you know inside out, ¬†confides in you, then you suddenly realise what this person has felt like. Feeling isolated so much that ¬†she felt had ¬†no one else to talk ¬†to ¬†because she felt ashamed. Her mind has tormented her for years..

Here is a  part of her story:

She met a man over 12 years ago. In a night club. He was the type to wear a thick gold chain and a leather jacket. Not her type at all. He said he was Italian. He spoke the language of love – He zoned in on my ¬†friend – he had my friend marked. I saw him approach her. He bought her ¬†a drink. I immediately ¬†loathed this pervert. I ¬†pushed my self through the crowd of dancers went straight up to them and I knocked the glass from his hand. I tried to get my friend away from him. I can’t control everything can I ? they swapped numbers.

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THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE

 

They started going out. For 10 years their relationship consisted of seeing one another  1 night a week. My friend was completely possessed by him . He showered her with affectionate words. She felt like a woman again. Maybe just maybe this man was going to turn out different than her previous  mis-creations. She would cook him meals and set the table Рbuy him slippers and a change of clothes and toiletries. She treat him like a king. A super star. No, a super hero. 

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Yes he was a king, a fake king  hiding under the robes, would in time reveal  a savage.

Let me try and get on with this post….

Um….a few months into the ‘relationship’, she found out that he had lied about his name and nationality. He was from some Arab ¬†country and was in fact a ‘faithful’ devout Muslim. That was cool. There is nothing wrong with two cultures mixing together. In fact there is ¬†a feeling of peace in this synthesis of different cultures ¬†coming together -bound by love .

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AN ELEPHANT NEVER FORGETS -ESPECIALLY THE FEELING OF TRUE LOVE

Over a period of 10 years they kept on making up and breaking up. Every time my friend said she would not get back with him.

  • ¬†One time she slept over at his house and his ex wife came was getting out the car ¬†with balloons in her hand(it was valentines day or his birthday). She saw him with my friend and told the bastard they needed to talk. The taxi pulled up at that moment and he ushered my friend into the car as quickly as possible- turns out his ex- wife ¬†was ‘crazy’ about him and wouldn’t leave him alone. ¬†Come on, he reasoned with my friend,she was fat and ugly. Not refined like my friend. He only used his ex to gain access to work in the U.K.

My friend took him back.

  • A few years passed and my friend wanted to move things forwards in the relationship. She wanted him to move in with her or her to move in with him. He refused -time and time and time after time. She was enamoured ¬†with him. She would do anything to keep him and if that meant only seeing him one night a week then she agreed to it. He never ever took her out. He never introduced her to his friends. Why? they were dodgy and he was jealous, they might try something on her.

She accepted this.

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I’m going out to play, you must stay safe in your home . the world is full of monsters.

  • My friend has an eating disorder like me . The bastard suddenly told her her body was horrible and he hated touching her. He hated thin women she needed fattening up. All she wanted was to be loved and accepted and so she grew bigger and bigger. This messed with her mind so much.Her confidence was solely in custody of this man. He played her like a puppet.

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    PIECE BY PIECE I OWN EVERY PART OF YOU

She accepted this

  • He would go off the radar frequently. He never text ¬†or rang ¬†my friend unless he wanted something sexual from her. Then it was ¬†all words of armour and flattery. What woman doesn’t want to be complimented? He never helped her clean the dishes or bought her a meal. He would go back to his native home and bring back the odd false perfume. He never once offered to take my friend on holiday with him, to meet his family. Many of whom he has burnt his bridges with. She was not to know this until it was too late to save her heart and mind from a torturous misery.

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YOU MAKE UP THE COLOURS OF MY LIFE. PLEASE BRING BACK SOME SUNSHINE WHEN YOU COME BACK

 

She accepted this.

  • On one of their ‘bust ups’ he decided to try it on with my friends nemesis. He wanted to take her out. My friend found the news out from her Nemesis. The shame, the degradation. She fell further down that never ending abyss of wretchedness. Banished her to a never ending hell of lies and mind fucks. He wouldn’t answer her phone calls , texts, he punished her. He went off the radar for a few months. My friend became obsessed, she would ring him all the time. But all she got was silence. Until one day he got in contact with her and the relationship was back on.

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WHY WON’T YOU SPEAK TO ME?

One unfortunate  day , he rang her РShe was over the moon to hear his voice. He had something to tell her.

What could this news be?  

He wanted too marry her?

Move in with her?

He had a surprise for her?

Oh hell yeah, he had a surprise for her:

He was ¬†getting married to a young girl who was pregnant with his child, ¬†he hoped that they can still maintain their one night a week ‘relationship!¬†

How many times can a heart be broken? how many times can it be mended? 

She accepted this betrayal  but she refused to see him. She would not. She was not some whore! An after thought. After the phone call ended  she sank to her knees heaving -sobbing. She was on the floor desperately trying to collect all the shattered fragments of her heart.  A few months later she saw him once again, in town, for a coffee. He wanted her to meet his baby. She bought the baby some outfits. This is the type of person she is, gracious and forgiving. 

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I GIVE YOU MY HEART. DO WITH IT WHAT YOU WISH BUT DON’T LET IT GO

She accepted this.

To be perfectly honest, they must have broken up 100’s of times. My friend always promising ¬†she wouldn’t take him back. We used to have vicious arguments .

She said she was in love.

I said she had bad taste in men and needed to get help.

She got pissed off with me. It wasn’t as bad as she had made out, she would reply.

She had over exaggerated things.

I retorted:  

You mean like the time he told her to lower her eyes to him when she was speaking to him and then laughed and said he was joking?

He knew she was vulnerable that is why this serpentine creature chose her. She ¬†was easy to control. He knew a lot of things about their relationship that my friend didn’t know. He didn’t exactly share this insight of their relationship with her, but it went something like this:

  • He knew he could abandon her and she would always take him back

  • He would deprive her of contact and she would always take him back

  • He would humiliate her by trying to flirt with her friends and enemies- even me!

  • He controlled her by making her put on an extraordinary amount of weight, in full knowledge, ¬†her confidence would be at base level. A woman with no confidence couldn’t possibly be ¬†attractive a man ¬†( this was probably his ¬†warped strategy )

  • He knew my friend was an introvert and it was so easy to isolate her. He didn’t have to do a thing -she already had done the hard work for him.

  • He always took from her. If he had asked her ¬†for her the ¬†shirt on her back, he knew she would give it to him. Every week, for one night, my friend made her home cosy, turned down the lights -low,to give off a soft romantic glow. She would cook for him , serve him, rub his feet and then make him a packed lunch to got to work. She spent a lot of money on him that I suspect ¬†she didn’t have.

  • He never once asked my friend about any issues she had and how could support her. My friend took a massive overdose,one year, ¬†I thought she had finally succeeded this time. Her Mother was still alive at the time. He came to the hospital with a kitten stuffed toy with blue eyes, just like the colour of my friend’s eyes. He acted so concerned. Since my friends mother passed away – the money well has dried up and he lost interest again.

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THOSE EYES ARE GOING TO GET YOU IN A WHOLE LOT OF TROUBLE

I had to stop writing last night. I ¬†couldn’t go any further with what I was putting down in this post. I don’t want to betray my friend, no body will know who this friend is. I’m speaking up for her because she is unable to speak for herself. To tell her story. She needs a lot of support and confidence building. ¬†Care and possibly counselling. ¬†¬†

There is probably a bunch of stuff I don’t know. I do know that what came out of my friends mouth ¬† yesterday- blanched me. I must of walked ¬†out of that coffee shop, my hands immediately ¬†felt icily cold, I had forgotten my gloves.. I was trying to fight my way through the fog in my mind . I had become numb.

This is what my quiet friend told me:

After two years of not seeing this ‘man’. She moved to a new home to start afresh, he got in contact with her a few months ago.. He said all the right things.¬†

  1. You are beautiful

  2. I will divorce my wife from you

  3. I should have never split up from you…

All that superficial crap.

I could go on and on. There are a lot of beautiful and courageous women in the world who feel so alone.  Women that put on there clothes and make-up everyday and smile and give as much of their time and heart to as many   people as they can. She was no fool for taking the bait. She is angry with her self Рfurious. She wishes she could stop loving him. WHERE IS A GENIE WHEN YOU NEED ONE?

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FINALLY THE TRUTH -YOU ARE FREE -THE HEAVENS ARE YOUR TRUE HOME

I couldn’t be angry with her for going back to him.

I haven’t slept ¬†– I have had awful nightmares of what has been going on ¬†for years in their relationship. My friend is naive and shy and not some dominatrix or kinky in any way at all.. And that is fine. He bites her all over and takes her from behind.

 each thrust,

each bite,

bleeding out her soul like she is some kind of piece of ¬†halal meat. My friend always says ‘NO, PLEASE DON’T BITE ME! DON’T DO THAT, YOUR ARE HURTING ME.’¬†

I could see¬†through¬†her and saw a vivid image of her heart -patched up haphazardly like a child’s favourite toy. Sewn up, swung about, it loses an arm, then a leg , then a tail and still she finds a way to sew back the pieces.¬†

He has been RAPING  you. I told her. We looked into each others eyes. She knew it felt wrong but he told her that is what people in love do!

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STOP! HAVE MERCY.

All this time and I didn’t know any of this.

She is left bruised and sore for weeks after being raped.

How can someone you love rape you?

It happens. More than you know. I came home and cried my heart out. I was shaking with anger and shock. 

I don’t want my friend to stop confiding in ¬†me -no matter how much it kills me inside. Please people, don’t suffer and quietly die like a beautiful plant that someone forgot to tender to.

YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN YOU THINK. 

ABUSE COMES IN MANY SHAPES AND FORMS.

Use your mouth or if you can’t speak -write it down and show someone -anyone!¬†

I had to write this post. It is something that I do that brings me comfort. it helps me focus and cope with¬†life’s¬†madness and senselessness .¬†

I’ve written what I can. I’m going to be a better friend.

Last night I rang her and she thanked me for ringing. I mean she didn’t need to thank me! I should have been around more often. Her voice was distant, remote. I switched off my light and put the duvet over me and all I had in my dreams was ¬†the image of him biting her all over and raping her.

HE EVEN USED TO  ASK HER TO PISS ON HIM. 

 He is a dangerous and seriously afflicted man. 

How do I end a post like this? I don’t feel I have done justice in telling her story. I can only hope and encourage her to tell her story herself, one day.¬†