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Spindrift Nouveau depart

A true union of hearts was joined one summer in late June.

The birds chirruped, the sun shone – the two became one -reflected for all to see by La Luna- the moon
Air and Water – shouldn’t cross paths.
These two elements casually ignore each other in nature’s form-its innate core.
He of Air –
She of Water.

The energy that caused the spindrift was something not even these elements could ignore.

Le Mistral caught up in a steamy, heady mood.
Strode across the sky scowling, blowing curses – chaos surely ensued .

La Mer
– she was winding down for the day.

The tide had come in, and she was ready to listen to a mermaid wax lyrical her classic tale of Babe Ruth.

The wind so vexed was he – he deafened her with one strike of his herculean hair -clouded by his inability to self- soothe.

La Mer reacted in bad form. He struck her so hard, – her mind swelled up with great licks of waves – crashing and thrashing her mental whereabouts.

Never interrupt an element so passionate about listening to her favorite composer.

Le Mistral and La Mer could ignore one another no more. She would make him feel the repercussions of his foolish, senseless,not-so-well thought out Strop.

Now he would have to face his conjurer.
A tidal wave of thoughts arose inside her.

He would pay dearly for interrupting her meditative state of mind.

He had no clue what feud he had started.

Fire and Earth were shrewd not to intervene. They knew when to stay out of the way of a combination of this kind.

They witnessed how the passion of this great unforeseen union came to be.

The product of this affront was simply not even what the conflicted two could continue to deplore.

Witnessed by two friends .
Wind and Water created the very first image of love .

Spindrift -a physical feeling of exhilaration consolidated the two .
They were now ready for a new adventure – together -ready to explore each other, become the couple -who looked to the other with eyes that said ‘j’t‘adore.’

Definitions for spindrift
spray swept by a violent wind along the surface of the sea.

( written two months after I got married to my husband – Gaz. He is as Mercurial as Air and I more of a deep waters run still lass. Air & water are two elements that ignore each other. I used to read up all my family, friends, and boyfriends astrology signs when i was younger. I used to read the Aquarius sign and think that is the kind of man I want to be with . Trust us to be incompatible according to our zodiac). 😀 then I went to marry an Aquarius man & it turns out he is my soul mate. Nouveau depart)

Second Life- Mort tell et tea

 

* This Borderline poem was written a week before I attempted to take my life (again).I ended up in Critical Care  in a coma for 5 days & in ICU for a further 6 days. I was discharged from hospital on the 21st of May 2020 *

 

Please, make sense of  reality.

Use a stream of consciousness

words to vent,

rant,

rave,

A discovery in recovery

 Fathom out sense because words are only as good as the interpreter.

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 Could add literary success to a Gravatar profile  in  an ebook

Add few drafts poured into that fulminate crunched up chaos.

This doesn’t invoke a feeling of literary success.

Trying

Struggling to convey all words .

Reciprocated words are often misinterpreted

Misheard

Another attempt  to convey these words

Perhaps one person will see this array of affray spread its torment defecating the inner spiral case of the

Mind,

It swirls descends these steps in every way.

The moment to call it a day

This draws an outline forever have to have the last say.

Hear me proclaim

This

Is

My

Life.

Don’t want to carry on living this way

Shame lingers

It overstays — the bailiff  texts for rent arrears

Read,

What is laid down?

Listen

I’m not done yet.

 

 Hanging by a thread it’s tethered

Seen many days to identify as weathered

 Hanging by a thread

This is my life purpose!

Final chance to  meet my fate

Waited for this all my life

A  mystery date with a severed soul mate.

 

Taught & tethered & weathered is this rope

To late

 convinced

I’m no tight rope walker.

I’ve become my own word stalker

Shoulda, coulda, woulda arrested these rants before my digress

 

Covert corner

Wait in this hidden corner.

 

Evidently I’ve learned that survival is innate.

It ain’t easy to digest the days I’m not blessed to eat from a plate.

 keep rising up despite a life times worth of trip-ups.

 

Until I die

One fine day

I’ll face the final exit of my mortality

 

I’ll know the truth

Either way it’s gonna end up with a body

Fatality.

Subconsciously  know why I feel

It’s called humanity

What do I know about that  damp dark corner entertaining souls I’ve yet to meEt?

Going to have to wait for a future promising chance we haven’t dreamt of taking yet.

If I lose all memory

 Forget those words  

soggy, wet, lost to another realm of the bereft

Lest I forget.

I write to recover.

Be happy or die trying.

 

Simultaneously a resilient species & inconveniently inept

 

 

 

Deficit Wordsmith

It’s hard to be a wordsmith

when  brain cells  are deficit in cursive

I strain to see the letters

I  see I want to get betters.

If these are the only words I write

Today, a   better ‘morrow insight.

Kalinda

When my Kalinda sees her reflection  she flinches over jagged, ragged parts of a body

discombobulated

Staggered &  separate. -body parts sewn together haphazardly.

The truth is stranger than fiction.

How can it be?

His soul mate doesn’t mirror the effort in his deeds.

fingernails claw

pierce fleshy skin -protruding  hanging  agape

flesh separates from the bo.ne

My Kalinda

she is more than a  blow-up doll  wearing a t-shirt that says ‘corruption feeds on  poison  egos.’

The Skullbones cross over .

Point at marks left from a  flirtation with suicide.

 

Maidenhead Hymen annuls her delusional animas.

Make her believe she breathes!

i

What is wrong with all that is her?

doesn’t my Klaineda get that life weith me can be whatever she will her self to dream .

Yes, a bargain plea?

instead of radiating from true love’s scribbled scribes in blank verse.

The stonewalled chamber gathers ipapalbe silence  born from these disjointed words

Talk. You have time to make my life right.

Perform this pantomime on Las Ramblas knowing the days will turn bright.

Perhaps I cup over & caress her excess mounds.

Compliments ‘damn you look good, healthier, you’ve  put some weight on’

Must she hear this now? Does it matter?

It’s too avant-garde even for Gaudi

Face swollen from a sting with an arbitrary drone.

Monthly luna flickers up sheds of decrepit blood

clots

compound that to a portrait that makes her face plump–fits of

disease

– please,

Hands hesitate over arms once scrawny, cheek bones sliced inwards.,

She’s rather own her shame and reach every gaze at her in a state of lean chronic thigh gap syndrome

spongy Food floats

expands

-drowns all sign of hope.

enough self loathing to remedy it with a calibre of a gun.

Date with Russian roulette –

6 chance distractions from this body, this mind , every part called forward into existence.

five rounds until she lands in the seat of a crash test dummy.

Grief , guilt ,

unpleasant to the taste.

fret bursts in beads of sweat – her few will revolt into petulant demonstrations of

why?

again?

how?

and when?

Get by on hope and luck and a fine mother hen

A good sized egg , pair of irises that delude her into feeling all her sins have been revoked.

Building bridges

“I’m not a wilting flower. I’m honest, so I pick a lot of fights. I’ve burned a lot of bridges.” Scott Thompson

 

SO WHY THIS QUOTE?

I don’t go around the streets picking fights with everyone.

I don’t go hollering ‘Yo mama is so big……..

I have always been willful and stubborn and not afraid to speak my mind. I then became a teenager and I got bullied emotionally and I became ill and I lost my voice.

Then I found it again!  WOOP!

I have burnt a lot of bridges speaking my mind with certain exes I didn’t have the courage or confidence to speak up when I  split with them. The power of social media came and gave me a chance to speak my mind. There are a few men who won’t let go and just be cool and be friends.  I see that as an issue with them. I am at peace with my past and I have forgiven myself and others.

It is no one person’s fault but I am at that point in my life where I go

” – shit,  man… I’m not holding any grudges. I don’t want to take that bitterness with me.”

I have learned to tone down my bluntness. I remember a time before my Gran had Dementia. She lived a good life until my grandpa passed on with cancer and then we lost our home, diaries, pictures, everything.

We moved from South Africa to France and then the   U.K. to make a new life.

Anyway, that’s a whole other book.

My Gran bought a fake oyster pearl Rolex on-line. She asked me to buy it for her on-line. I was muttering on about politics and slavery and how we are not helping people working in sweatshops, to improve their working conditions and life.

A few weeks later. We were out in town and in her charming French accent. She asked me what I thought of her new Rolex watch.

The first thing I thought,

I said.

“It looks fake!”

Well, to say my Gran was offended was an understatement. I was met with such vehemence. Anyone would have thought I had told her, she smells like the sewerage system in Barcelona.

We had a  bit of a to do. Gran:

How dare you talk to me that way. You have no respect.”

My Ma was trying to get me to apologise and I was standing my ground.

Why must I lie? I have every right, to tell the truth. What has respect got to with my opinions?

No, I didn’t burn my bridges for good. I love my Gran and she loves me -even now that she has Dementia and only sort of knows I  am someone she was close to.

I’ve burnt bridges with family members like my Dad and my uncles.  So many people have turned away. Sometimes it is because I refused to hide my quirks – or my illness and how I coped with life,I was misunderstood and people thought I was being a douche bag.  I have been a bit of a  dick at times.

It happens.

What is the single most important aim for me now?  Today.

Is knowing I can rebuild bridges if I want to.

We all can.

I’ve got the love back and respect back from some of the people who matter to me. I can say I have tried.

If people don’t want to help you reconnect or just acknowledge your differences for peace of mind. That is their problem, not mine or yours.

It’s not worth hold in on to a grudge. It’s  not worth thinking that because you fucked up a lot that you can’t ever go through life not fucking up again

I only recently “fucked up” again,  ( I say this in very loose terms) with some work I am involved in. It was dealt with fairly,

I got to speak my mind.

I came to the conclusion that letting shit go and working with someone or something is far better in my interests than turning my back and walking away. Especially since I have put a lot of effort and passion and hours into this project.

 I  have become that person that puts aside my harsh feelings and I am usually the first person to be happy for peace.

I don’t want drama! I really don’t.

I wish I could let go of my weight and scales issues.  I  should practice what I preach.

I do but when it comes to my Eating disorder…

well, it’s a never-ending bloody soap opera.  There are only so many times you can bring a character back from the dead, right?

Have hope! Bridges can be rebuilt and if not -it says more about you and the type of person you are, to make the effort and the courage it takes to be the person to try and make amends.

Remember, if someone won’t entertain you after you try to make amends.

Move the fuck on.

There is so much more of life to see and wasting it waiting around for someone to like you again or forgive you is a waste of time.

So hold no grudges and move on today!

We exist to serve the Gods?

I’m always going on about how resourceful people can be but I am  so high fiving the Tikopians.   The original true opportunists.

In the Pacific island live a small number of people who have dwindled away since the 1950’s, when Christians were on their Jehovah like mission to convert all people to their religion.  Sadly these people didn’t have a

‘We don’t open doors  to Christian people’ .sign and doors are are lot sturdier these days.

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These people would originally  do two -week rituals a year  which they called undertaking ‘ the work of the Gods’

These Gods don’t ask for much of our human time, do they?

The idea  behind  the rituals was that it was kind of like a  currency exchange in the form of:

I  indulge you and work for you and you provide us with what we need to survive.

 A great system of trade – fair and legit enough, don’t you think?

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Okay, Daisy, What is so awesome about these people that make you want to high five them?

This is genius! Okay here is how this religion was structured:

 Let’s pretend I am a Tikopian. I check my watch /sundial and  I’m thinking –oh boy, time to do some work for the Gods to please them. 

So, I think to myself –I’m not shy of work. I see a canoe. That looks like it needs fixing and I fix it.

I look at my soil and think  –Aaah yes, what a good time to plant those vegetable seeds I bought a while back….

I do a bit of gardening.

I’m sweating, I wipe my brow. I look up to the heavens. Crying out

“Look at all this work I am doing for you”. I get a few treats and a potent drink of kava and offer it to the Gods.

I know that they are not as consistent as say , Santa Clause. Unlike Santa Clause these Gods don’t take a sip of their drink or nibble at the food left out for them.  I could interpret this as being highly ungrateful, or

I go to the place where I placed my offerings and I say

” Gods! I see very clearly now. You must eat only ‘in essence’. I know what I shall do,I will eat and drink your offerings in the presence of your grace”

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I’m feeling a bit tipsy but I have worked hard and the Gods are happy.

Some time passes, I’m seen out having a leisurely canoe ride, my plants are harvesting and my people can’t understand how I can prosper so much when I consume the god’s offerings and work for my own gain under the guise of working for the Gods.

Minding-Your-Own-Business

My people shout my name and want answers. They have been self-flagellating or praying or chanting or whatever during their two week ritual of working for the gods.

I steer my canoe back to the shores and jump out of it and walk towards my people. They form a circle around me. I say:

” I was asked to take part in some work on this work for the Gods ritual, was I not?  I fixed my canoe and tended to my harvest. Is this not work?”

No one can really argue with me.

My people ( the ones who catch on quickly) start to look at me differently. The look is one that makes me feel like I have elevated my status. I’ve been rewarded by the Gods not punished. I am  now seen as someone with great  privilege.

So why am I high fiving these people?

Well, they used these rituals  with the Gods to create a social and economic structure within their community.  They saw an opportunity  to help their community to thrive and stick together in the name of their Gods.

These  rituals and how they approached them held the Tikopian society together.

Now you have got to applaud such cunning and resourcefulness from so-called primitive people.

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WEEK 8 WRAP

Morning all fellow bloggers and wrappers.

Week 8 down!  Here is the link to the all the other weeks covered so far. CLICK HERE  I’ve learned so much. I hope that you have got or will get as much as I’m getting out of doing this course. This week one of our highly valued groupies could not make the group so we decided to put the second part  of Action planning our triggers on hold, until next week. We focused on Early warning signs. These can be rather subtle or they can blast up seemingly from nowhere. If you have been doing this course over the weeks. You will know  that Early warning signs can and often are linked with our triggers. Sometimes in life there may be many indicators that things are not going so well, perhaps you are not coping or managing your thoughts and feelings so well.  Identifying your Early warning signs can help you from going into full crisis mode.

I found this session tough as I have never really looked at my early warning signs that may off set my mental health- negatively. If you have one or two supportive friends or family members, they can help you identify you EWS. Sometimes another persons perspective and how they experience your mental health- good and bad is something you can’t identify because you are in the ‘thick of it’ so to speak. Their view is external to your own. So it might just be worth asking someone what they think are your EWS.

EWS are  usually thoughts and emotions that are going on inside. They are internal and seem to have nothing to do with a distressing  situation. Here is a good way to see how EWS are related. Imagine that your mind is a bucket.  From day to day you will come across many different stressful situations that fill your bucket.

So as an example: Your car breaks down- the bucket fills up a bit. You have a bad day at work, the stress bucket fills even more. Your child’s school call you in to discuss behaviour issues. The bucket is nearly brimming full. Then your partner accidentally breaks your favourite coffee mug. You bucket over flows. You then  go crazy at your partner. Perhaps you shout at  him or her and break down crying. It can seem like the coffee mug is the one thing that tips you into a negative mind state/crisis mode but as the diagram shows; it is an accumulation of events that fills up the bucket,  until it is so full, that it seems something quite small can tip you over. This is why it is always important to recognize your Early warning signs. You can put in place a tap to drain the water (an action plan) so that your bucket (stress levels) never reach that tipping point.

Solution+Focussed+Stress+Bucket


 MY LIST OF EARLY WARNING SIGNS

  1. I stay up until the birds are tweeting working on projects
  2. I get irritable
  3. I become overly obsessive with cleaning, my weight, everything.
  4. I miss taking my medication or stop using it 
  5. I cut down on my food/fluid intake
  6. I over exercise
  7. I’m unable to see anything else that is going on around me that is outside of my own problems
  8. Avoidance- people, places, things. emotions
  9. I go onto auto pilot- I can’t stay in the present moment. I look to the past or to the future. I  find it difficult to be in the present
  10. I isolate myself from people even family and lose friends
  11. I’m not able to give my full attention to my family
  12. I become focused on de cluttering my home (even thought it isn’t)
  13. I lose my sense of humour
  14. I’m resistant to all affection
  15. I focus on the negatives in my life. My ‘silver lining’ mantra disappears
  16. I trawl through social media websites comparing my entire life with the lives of what social media website users choose to present to the world and how they wish to be portrayed. I lose sight that this is only one dimension to their lives. 

 Brilliant!  What  do I  do now? Unlike triggers, where I would need to make an action plan for each one. When it comes to action planning for my EWS I only need one plan. So here is a comprehensive list of what I must do if I do start to experience any EWS. It would be a good idea to go back to  your WELLNESS TOOL BOX  and try any other techniques that I/ you have learned over these two months. download (6)

Here is my list

  1.  not over blog/write
  2. Disconnect from all technology
  3. carry on volunteering/working
  4. enjoy and give my full attention to ‘Date nights’ with my partner
  5. Spend more time with family/ friends-especially my daughter 
  6. Book to go do something I enjoy. It could be something as simple as watching stand up comics at home or  going to the theatre, cinema etc.
  7. Meet up for coffee with family and friends
  8. Exercise for no more than  an hour and a half
  9. Lay back and chill and listen to my favourite music
  10. Communicate or at least try to communicate my thoughts and feelings no matter how jumbled they may come out 
  11. have a clear out at home- don’t go over board
  12. face the day
  13. Keep in contact with my C.P.N.
  14. Use mantra’s and positive affirmations
  15. tell myself that ‘whatever happens I can handle it’
  16. Look for my silver lining
  17. Be kind to myself- a bit of TLC – go for a manicure, facial, massage
  18. RING MY LOCAL SAMARITANS      if I feel there is no one else I can speak with 
  19. A great technique to use is to alter my physical space which automatically alters my head space- it can be a simple as getting out of bed.
  20. Be creative- read books, write, paint, draw, do crafts
  21. Try the technique I describe in my video clip of week 8.
  22. Another good technique is this:

If you have a negative thought. Here is an example.

‘ I cannot cope.’

Write that thought down.

‘I cannot cope’

Notice that you have written done the thought

‘ I cannot cope’

The aim of this technique is that by writing the thought down you create a mental distance from it. It becomes not a fact but just a thought. 

Finally I would just like to add and remind people of the 5 key concepts of WRAP. Another exercise you can do is based around these 5 key concepts. 

HOPE. – write down  one experience from your life that gives you hope for the future.

PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY -Write down one way that you take personal responsibility for your life.

EDUCATION- Write down something you have learnt about yourself on this journey.

SELF ADVOCACY- Write down one area of your life or situation where you would like to assert yourself more and a step you could take to achieve this. 

 SUPPORT- write down the name of one person who supports you and how they d that. 

If you feel this is a tricky  exercise and need an example. I will gladly use my examples. All you have to do is comment ‘EXAMPLE’ 

That is it for week 8. Go away and feel empowered. You are creating a powerful plan to help you in every life situation you face.