Blog Archives

illness beats Daisy to the chocolate binge :(

My dear blogger friends and friend readers.

I fee like I have  deserted ship.  I had to with good reason.

Usually wake up at 5 a.m. , get my blog posts ready/ research then catch up on other blogs.

This morning I woke up to the feeling of nausea.

No I am not pregnant. I had not been on the vino. I just woke up ill. I tried typing up a post but can’t possibly share it because it doesn’t feel great…

 I went back to bed to sleep off the illness and woke up a t 10 a.m. with mega painful back pain. I tried having a gym session and my spine threatened to wibble wobble.

So, I was like fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu********k.

First date night in oh, for a long  few weeks now and I can’t munch what I want to because the guilt of not doing a gym session  over  rides everything else.

This is the curse of  what trying to keep up with a chronic Anorexic tag does to me. At about 6 p.m  U.K. time I tried again and managed a pathetic attempt.

I have a fair few blogs to catch up on including my own. I have so much respect for people who are physically ill all the time.

I’m such a wuss!

I have to don my Easter bunny ears early tomorrow to hide lots of eggs so that the hunt can begin chez home. Got the hot cross buns close to hand and we are going to do a spot of cake baking.

I’ll be back soon with my reading cap on. Find out what everyone has been  up to. I am not leaving the blogging world.

But Easter, my health and my daughters happiness has to come first.

Catch up with y’all soon ish —

HAPPY EASTER!

Willing to believe

Life is  not fucking easy. Can  just put that out there and state the obvious. One minute you are up and on a high and then you hear a tiny whisper of news and it brings you crashing down.

Not trying to get cryptic and poetic. It’s not my style.

My thoughts are all over the place.

First day down of facilitator  support group  training. -I can tell you it is not easy to facilitate a peer led support  group.

I’m not going t give up.

six hours of intense training -what did Daisy learn ?

The only thing I can think of at this moment is what my ma has just told me My uncle has a tumour – in his colon – cancerous- 6 cm big .

Oh and I remember this quote

“In the silence of listening, you can know yourself in everyone, the unseen singing softly to itself and to you.”

Read more at: http://www.azquotes.com/quote/824105

I think it sums up what a facilitators role is and the need to be self aware all the time.

I lost an aunt to cancer last February and another uncle not many weeks after that to Cancer. My Gran’s dementia is in the final stages. I’m trying to carve out a new life for myself, my daughter. I am terrified of losing my own mother.

I’m human.

 Conflicted.

Mental illness sucks balls

. I really don’t need it to start causing shit when I have so many important things I need to get on with.

Like what ?

Well my life.

My family,

my career,

Volunteering

I’m not going to let this beat me. No matter how many panic attacks I get, how many times I weigh myself  or how complexed everything gets. I’m going to get through this. I will be there for my family.  I will succeed in my goals with volunteering.

 Went to the dentist and his  assistant says to me

“you are one tough cookie.”

 So did the tattoo dude when I got my new tattoo 2 weeks ago .

Yes, It’s a good job I have lived the life I have.

I can honestly say thank fuck for every experience that has led me up to this moment.

I am holding up pretty good.

 I’ve done a gym session, had a bath and read my daughter a story. I’m not going to go into what I learned today.

I need time to process it.

I’m not going into my uncles condition.

 I need time to process.

I am going to try and distract myself and read your lovely blogs and posts. I want to write but I feel numb. I feel like if I carry on writing like this – no emotion will come across in these words..

In a way I’m honouring what I always profess to be. I am honest to a fault. Transparent.

I am the first person to mock religion but the first thing I thought about when I heard the news about my uncle was :

I am willing to believe in a God if it makes my uncle better. I’m willing to believe that  there s still hope,the operation will be a success .I’m willing to pray to something I have never laid eyes on if it will heal the suffering of a person I love.

My heads all over the place.

 

 

I have Dementia and I still laugh

Never forget how precious your life is.   This is my gran.  She has dementia and if she had the choice she would probably love to exchange mind and body with most people.  Counting your blessings. I am counting  mine.

POETRY JO’S 3 DAY CHALLENGE -DAY TWO

Day two of POETRY JO’S THREE DAY CHALLENGE 

So, here is the challenge,

For this challenge you need to really explore your grandest dreams for your future. We are talking wild, big, bigger and biggest. Money is no obstacle and we live in a perfect world. What is your wildest dream?

Okay wow! This is tough. The first thing that goes running through my mind, is I want power and to be a success. In fact I want to be one the most successful woman ever. How would I achieve this? I would be able to engage with different types of people. I would learn and study about anything I stumble across that interests me. I have the scene from the movie ‘ Gorilla’s in the mist’  in my head for some reason 

MSDGOIN EC027
GORILLAS IN THE MIST, Sigourney Weaver, 1988, (c) Universal/courtesy Everett Collection

  I want that kind of power and freedom to experience the world in all it’s wonder. I want to make a positive impact on the world. I do. I’m sick of messing up. I’ve done that for over 15 years of my life and it is time to change. 

I want to be happy. Truly happy. Happiness that comes from within. Apparently that is the only way to find it. How? I’m getting there. Society demands me to look externally for happiness. 

So yeah. I may travel the world. In fact in my perfect world ;me, my daughter, my husband to be and my cat Tatiana and my Mum would all come on an amazing journey travelling the world. 

I like to look good. So, I guess it would be cool to have the opportunity to buy  what I wanted:

Clothes

make-up

pets

home 

yacht

plane 

holidays

I can see this getting boring rather quickly. The holiday bit I don’t. I believe there is so much quality and positivity and happiness to be found when you are in a place outside your comfort zone. I would still want to work hard and enjoy my holidays.

I thought about life and death. I don’t know. Would it be my perfect world to see my loved ones who have passed?

Would knowing what happens to me when I die make me happy? 

If I truly want happiness and I do!  then I might not like what I find out and that would make me sad. I like a bit of mystery. I like kind of hoping that unicorns and fairies and goblins could exist. I want to know that when people die -young and old that they are happy. 

In my perfect world I want everyone to be happy, no wars – none of that. The thing is there is no perfect. How can I understand and feel happiness if I have never known sadness. This goes for all emotions. My experiences as hard and difficult and amazing as they have been have led me to this point in my life where I am creating my own happiness. I have character because of my experiences. A perfect world would not fit with who I am. Who I am becoming.

I may have gone off topic here. I don’t have all the answers to end war. It would be interesting to have the power to create peace among people and see how that plays out. I am kind of playing some God then. I don’t think I want the kind of power that inhibits others freedom. 

I want freedom and power to be the happiest and most successful person I can be. I want to protect my family and pets.

I want to write more, read more, do more. Live more. In my perfect world there is one thing that I can guarantee : nobody would know what an animal tastes like except for animals. People would not need the taste for beef, eggs chicken. leather bags, snake skin, fur coats, ivory.. I’m not perfect but I’ve educated myself with what people- what humanity does to animals. There is a documentary I implore anyone who ever reads this to watch.It will change your views forever.  here is the link EARTHLINGS

My wildest dreams and my perfect world are located in the real world.

Does that make me a too much of a realist?  

 The fantasy of want is usually much better than the reality version  in my experience. 

That’s it. Day two down.  Take on the challenge. It is very enlightening . Roll on day three. POETRYJO’S THREE DAY CHALLENGE DAY TWO LINK,

 

 

Parenting and Mental Health

 

I was lucky to get a place on Calderdale’s first ‘mental health and parenting conference organised by an incredible charity called ‘Healthy minds’. People who know my story in previous posts may just be able to grasp the surrealness I felt being a part of a conference made up of social workers, Independent reviewing offices, psychologists, family support workers the women centre and mental health service users and volunteers.

All brought together under one roof with a common goal of learning about mental health and parenting and how the two can concur. I was inspired by the people who spoke about their experiences with various professionals. People being ignored and there wishes overridden all because they may have had a mental health history. I finally felt that all my life and experiences have led me to this road that I am walking in my present life. I’m not the only one who wants to change! YAY!

 Mental health is about EVERYBODY and if we continue to ignore this fact we are seriously hindering safeguarding our community. I did two awesome workshops today: one is on how we in the community can get service users to access the services available. Fear is a motivating factor. Fear of being put down, fear that benefit money will be stopped, fear of local authorities involvement such as social services. Calderdale professionals need to get wise about mental health and be a part of the solution.

STOP TAKING KIDS AWAY FROM PARENTS WITH MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES and start signposting people to groups and services they can find support without judgement. One person I was over the moon to see was the independent reviewing officer who resided over my daughter’s case when she was a word of the court and in temporary foster care. This is the same woman 3 months into our case decided to ratify the social services plan to have my daughter adopted. We met today at the same level. She acted like a long time friend. She was the thorn in my side. We clash personality-wise and sometimes even professionals can’t put their personal feelings to one side. We are only human, right?  I don’t hold any grudges. I have my baby home where she belongs. I was happy to see her there ready to learn something. So good on her.

Something that never seems to fail to surprise me is how professionals link Domestic violence with mental health and assume that taking a child from their family is the only solution. NO! There are loads of groups mothers and fathers can access in my area to learn how to leave a bad relationship, find housing and receive mental health support and still keep their children with them. All these targets that local authorities need to hit-its like working for an inbound insurance company. The focus needs to be first and foremost how a family can stay together reasonably safely. This does require thinking out the box and more support workers and social workers and agencies to challenge their beliefs about mental health.

We all know there are major funding issues for mental health causes. Where I live it seems if you live in an arty area and can create then you deserve funding. Yes, being creative and having writing/ acting/ dancing and painting workshops are great but society still has a preconceived idea of what creativity means. We are all unique and funding should be more readily available. Although this bullshit Tory government needs to go back to the ’80s and die with all the bad perms of the day. 

I am getting ahead of myself. Back to the conference. Another workshop I chose to go on was the ‘mothers apart’ group. CLICK HERE FOR PLENTY INFO. Originally I was going to do the creativity workshop with a lady I will be working with on an anti-stigma workshop in November. I want to be creative. She is doing very well in her personal life. A book published. I’m a writer…but no I had to put my ego to one side and go with my instincts. I know about living apart from my child. I know the system, the flaws, the places to access help, how to communicate with various agencies, what needs to be done so everyone is working from a current document and not a bunch of minutes that were typed up in 1985. Slight exaggeration but you get my meaning. From this workshop, I’m in touch with the organiser and I will do anything to help.

There are so many different levels of support I want to access and learn to help others. I know I go on an about being a volunteer and I go on about it not because I want people to think I am a good person. I am but unfortunately, there are not paid jobs in the mental health sector for me, yet. Until I one comes along. I will continue to volunteer. It helps put my mental health in perspective. I feel like this is where I have always wanted to be. I was meant to take this path (fate if you like) but I also made the conscious decision to go down this path which is crucially important because I know why I am on this path.  It was a brilliant day. I feel inspired, positively ready for hard work and breaking boundaries and using my voice and developing my skills even further. I finally feel useful again. I have a purpose other than being a Mum to my gorgeous child or a super cool wife to be hahaha. So this is where I am at.  I’m going to put down a few links for anybody who is interested. The first is about how you can literally ‘HELP OUT WHEN YOU CHECK OUT’ – All you need to do is carry on shopping and buying the things you do but sign up to this site and every purchase you make at whichever store or organisation- a % of the money goes to the Health minds or a  charity of your choice. How easy and cool is that? No direct debits -hassle-free.click to register – 1 minute of your time is needed. 1 minute. I also got chatting to someone who gave me some information about ‘Fashion textile children’s trust’  – which helps people who work in certain sectors who need financial support their child’s wellbeing click here for more information  HOW COOL IS THAT?