Garden Fascinator

Write to be something I’m not feeling.

Not nothing

A sense I’ve lost details planning how to plot.

Stand mid-sentence

tongue ties all thoughts

Need a referendum to figure what to prioritize first.

These are my words

They grow like weeds amongst the Garden fascinators.

Smoke break

Every

Every time I write down words,

Ending in a half sentence with no meaning like this one.

Eventually the reader will realise I’m taking the Mick.

Every single word on this page

Each one is absolutely pointless.

Egg me on, I dare you

Especially as I’m clearly hard to ignore because you’re still reading this.

Elements are as tangible as these words transpired with indefinable clarity.

Ergo I must now go

Evening awaits , I anticipate clear skies

Early morning we’ll need to say our goodbyes

Evidently we all have lives to live. Thanks for reading this load of sh**.

Mumms the word

I’ve tried to epitomise my mom-in a few words. No easy feat to do.

Mom

a la mode
Bang on-trend

a Panache for transforming a lifeless neck scarf into an haute couture piece -an eye for detail that makes you a formidable fashionista Godsend.

Finesse in all you do: from baking bananas loaf’s salad Nicoise or cauliflower cheese.

Woe, the day a chef attempts a bake-off with you for he’d lose his hat, all his stars and wail, mamma Mia what a mistake ah I make a. I must have caught some disease.

Self-sufficient -you can lift your bed on your own, fix your dryer, paint your home, fix the boiler. Your tenaciousness growls especially when your body dares groan: please take it slow!

Talented at reinvigorating my moods with that eccentric, warped wit.

An example: the time you thought it would be fun to pay for me to get my entire face threaded. You laughed at my pain.
I love our giggles-the side-splitting snorts are hilarious to watch and hear. It takes me back to our flare nostrils days. Who could make each other laugh first?

Your loyalty towards me astounds me, your unwavering love for me confounds me, your forgiveness impels me,

Life gives us many hard knocks -your heart nor face betrays your past pain. It reveals your altruistic complexion. A reflection of your heart. When you give you to do so freely without seeking to gain.

I’m in awe of your spiritual journey. You think I’m not remotely interested in your opinions & sentiment. Your faith is truly remarkable- a tangible contrast to your ethereal temperament.

Remember how you tell me to straighten my crown, the world is in the palm of my hand?

Remember numbers do not define a person’s character, beauty or ability to achieve greatness. I see the talent and potential within you. You should/could become an interior decorator. No age or number can dictate your dreams, hopes, aspirations and goals. The skies the limit.

Happy Birthday, mom.
I love you xxxx

Melody of those in the Same boat

My cow bells are a little bit off par
My serenade seemingly won’t separate the stars

They’re dying
Earth bound

Trees won’t surround my natural state of being.

Everything I feel
My inner sight.

I’m meant to be singing a stream of consciousness of my inner plight
To gloat I’m on another planet.

If only I knew how to consistently cope

In this moment
In this dimension
I might have a bit of hope.

A full fleshed 3 D character would awash with the flostam
Starting from the Knee deep creeping up to reveal my fragile throat.

I’m you, man.
You are me, men and women.

We’re all floating in the same boat.

Different directions
In water we still get soaked.

A place we try to fathom
No .
stake as our own.

If not to deem ours authentically
Then atleast to titillate to titivate
With a decorum of sensuality

Melody of the same boat

My cow bells are a little bit off par

My serenade seemingly won’t separate the stars

They’re dying

Earth bound

Trees won’t surround my natural state of being.

Everything I feel

My inner sight.

I’m meant to be singing a stream of consciousness of my inner plight

To gloat I’m on another planet.

If only I knew how to consistently cope

In this moment

In this dimension
I might have a bit of hope.

A full fleshed 3 D character would awash with the flostam

Starting from the Knee deep creeping up to reveal my fragile throat.

I’m you, man.

You are me, men and women.

We’re all floating in the same boat

Different directions

In water we still get soaked.

A place we try to fathom

No .

stake as our own

If not to deem ours authentically

Then atleast to titillate to titivate

With a decorum of sensuality

Can I have a sugar daddy?

Aaaaaaaaargh! I have been putting off this post for a while. I mean the one guy

You were the first real man I knew  not some boy but a real man.

I tell myself I have dealt with the indifference. Yet, as soon as I find a way to make contact again. I let all my pride go and open my heart and soul to you. I do it publicly on social media websites. I end up looking pathetic but I don’t care.

I post things like:

I hope you will forgive me  one day so  we can build up a better relationship

or I  tag you hoping you will comment back.

I am looking after your queen. I won’t let you down. 

 I comment on those silly quizzes you do  that pop up on Facebook, like

WHAT NATIONALITY SHOULD YOU BE? –

 ME: You got you look like a Spaniard – haha!  funny I got I should be  American (silence)

New comment from a friend:  I got Portuguese 

You to friend : you look Portuguese

I don’t want anything from you . Okay that is a lie. I only want a bit of your time, a few words once a few years.

She warned me not to go there again. I wasn’t prepared to have my heart  broken again.Well, not broken but pumping with less voracity than before.

I know I wasn’t the most affable of characters all those years back. I mean what did I know at 12, 15 years old? 24 years old ?  Not much.

Yet, that was when you first turned your back on me.

I know I have mental health issues and to you it’s all just,

DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA

 A heads up? It’s not been a fucking picnic or tropical island holiday for me either.

Do you ever think about me?

What do you feel when you look at a picture of me? Do you look at pictures of me?

Are you so distant with everyone?  We’ve been drunk and stoned together and you are a legend at Karaoke . Over the years, I  have seen how you make everyone laugh…

Why don’t you talk to me when I Skype? I know I fall way down the bottom of  the  hierarchy chain of the many  girls in your life.

 To have a slice of your heart…

Well, of what is left to give. Is that what it is? You haven’t got any more heart to give?

I don’t want much… a few words, a phone call – no maybe that is too much..

Okay ,what about a teeny tiny interest in my life on social media perhaps… You live so far away  and it’s my only source of contact.

Why do you reply to other peoples comments on what you post but not mine?

Why don’t you reply to my emails?

I’m  not bad. I’m actually a fucking awesome person. Why can’t the past stay where it is.

Don’t judge me.

I don’t judge you.

I thought I had closed the door on ever having a chance with you again. I opened it again three months ago,, feeling we were in a more equal position. Me being older and you being older – wiser they say..

Never mind, I have  googled the meaning for indifference again and read it out loud,to  remind myself.

I can’t make you love me or want to contact me. I know you are going through hard times – if you must know-

we all do .

Maybe if you decided to chat properly with me I could make you laugh. We may find out we have more in common than you think.

Done with this post.  Finally got it out of my head. I can move on again.

No blame.

Never blame.

I am an adult and I choose to be happy.

I don’t resent you.

I am curious to know you.

am sure if you let me closer, you would find I actually like you and love you- unconditionally.

But it is cool.

You are over there and I am over here.

Living our lives.

Your blood runs through my veins.

 Nothings changed and that is cool too.

Indifference it is then, dad.

Not a suicide kid

Time stands still

Waiting for my child

To pick her up from her school.

Locked out

I’m no fool

Schools not meant to be cool.

Just another institution

Similar to a prison.

My constitution was made to rebel

For a cause

Less

Waiting around on top.

Never thought I’d glimpse a shadow of my former self -over the hill.

Curse these minutes.

Frozen into a state of blissful ignorance.

Wrapped up into a stationary kit.

Sigh

Sudden bowel movements

I feel ill.

Bad humour lost to a desolate sky.

Simmer into another ghetto outfit

Sparse Sunshine shimmer flecks

Until my skin unravels into motion.

For this moment

I’m not a suicide kid

Instead, I’m knocked out

By a dead dong ringer

Them there eyes

Catch sight of her eyes.

How they glimmer!

* inspired by the school run & national poetry day  & Life

 I’m genuinely happy to be alive. Not because life is perfect today but because I’m happy, humble and honest.

  • Write to recover

  • Create to recover

  • Communicate to recover

  • Connect to recover

  • Collaborate to recover.

Good people

These are my words. Mental health awareness week. Look after yourself & remember you are worth more than your mistakes.

The beast that is nature

It’s mental health awareness week in the U.K.

This time last year I  was in a coma after trying to take my life-again. I woke up 9 days later on my mom’s birthday. I don’t  think I  have come to terms with the fact that I am still alive. These past fews days  my mental health has been deteriorating and I’m  trying my hardest to fight these sodding demons in my head.
I’ve  been feeling suicidal again. I have everything to live for.
It doesn’t  mean the thoughts go away.
I fight my battles every single day and I  reach  out even if its to get away from my head  for a few minutes.
I can’t  have a head transplant or swap my head with some one else for an hour.
Self medicating rarely works or makes me feel good so I  push myself to reconnect with life in different ways again.

It’s  mental health awareness week and maybe by being in nature , trying to get out of my head may help.
Maybe by just going through the motions even though my thoughts carry on chattering  away it doesn’t matter. The act and the intention is what matters.
For a few moments I’m  distracted by some other nature that isn’t my own…
Suicide isn’t the answer. I will carry in telling myself this until I  believe it.

My story hasn’t ended.. life has a greater purpose, I
#mentalhealth  #mentalhealthmatters  #mentalhealthawarenessmonth

If blue was a hue

If shades came in pigmented blues

Would the world recognize the significance of colour as opposed to hues?

Would living in colour stop it’s either this or that?

Would grey get a chance to convince us to investigate?

Would crashing into a slick  navy

crude and  lost at  sea,

Inspire old fashioned candy knots to carry us all back to safety?

If black wasn’t so noir

Would fashion dictate less to those in the savoir?

Would flags become less patronizing?

and white flags more entrancing?

A hue is a hue by its very name

A colour can decide to change and play  – a child-free game.

Rich reds

Glorious Greens

 Would we see who profits from wealth – would we want to change this scene?

Would hearts come together under a purple strewn night? 

Lovers take pleasure dancing in the rain, see each other in a different light?

Emotional attachments are often aesthetically pleasing

Only to the one who is eyeballing the muddied one’s high pitched squealing.

Clarity of light sought in souls and not in places of questionable heaven.

Admirers eyes to skies

Solid legs still rooted in the ground

Unifying all genders of brethren.

How wealthy we are  to have  a landscape of colour

Don’t ignore its beauty in the search for another.