Category Archives: MENTAL HEALTH
I am credited co-facilitator with WRAP by Mary Ellen Copeland. If you need guidance or advice I am here to offer my advice on how to become more independent, build life skills, confidence, learn to manage your illnesses and life stresses.
‘It is a self-management recovery system designed to decrease symptoms/stress, increase personal responsibility and improve quality of life. Self-management of mental health issues and wellness are an essential component of recovery orientated services’ – Mary Ellen Copeland
RIP KEITH from the Prodigy.
I planned another attempt on my knees
Spoke to a God
Daisy is no more.
A body emptied walking on egg shells.
Cause me to break out in blisters.
Words fail to recover my obsolete pose
stream of wrong chosen floaters in crimson blood rivers.
white foam is my diffident
Angry cross dressers
hung by confusion
bungee jump without rope into a quagmire.
Prayed to a cloud God in an attempt to die
Lost, scared, dreading my loss of locks
inside I’m already dead.
Queen bee keeps me in fear
droplets of pollen
my rival is life
Alone decorated in red confetti
Enraged at my syphilistic minded inability to write even borderline literate.
Fits and spirits
rummy body popping misfit.
Failure to perish
shelf life insignificant.
A failure at talking transparent.
A thief of integrity.
A coward rumpled into a once upon a time melody
No solace — out grown to suffer from eternal colic.
Stubborn push me over
‘cos it’s a waste of oxygen.
Recovery is overrated.
Trust when I say
I lied and I planned
My prison is this world.
Let me go!
I’m not strong enough to serve the bee revolution cos I’m different.
Scared to never feel my bones.
Scared to lose my only love
My minds my terminal to Cancer.
Purpose – 37 years wasted in ignorance.
I’m not writer
I’m a fighter.
An enemy of my Self.
Uncomfortable with peoples apparent confidence in my ability to not give up.
Strength is not telling
Can’t keep a secret — I’m a fraud — I lost my soul to the devil 3 decades ago.
A ritual given freely to a demon I couldn’t please.
Why did I tell of my plans?
Damn do gooders orchestrating my life.
Suicide is the answer.
I’m dead inside
I’m a joke-I’m aimless — shameless
Engaged – remember to pretend to be engaged.
Life is a sham — there is no plan.
Fear makes me who I am.
A writer died on that table.
I shrink my words-
I am not who I say I am.
Don’t tease me;
People — I don’t get you — assist me — talking in skipped beats
Daisy in the willows
I’m not a fan.
Help me disappear
not in another room with four walls
you hold me rooted
Why do I love you ?
You’re my child
I am A mother on mute.
Lost to a cause
Petrol bombed mind.
A lost cause to
These four walls.
Life is a shore ditch with no applause.
alive — so very sudden.
Cheated out of death
I don’t want to live
Stop saving me
Screaming to a society blinded
Samaritan I’m your even,
selfish? , yeah
welling up in self pity.
Take my Queen — kill me — a paperless tree.
these words are not free
I cannot be
Fuck the world
Listen to my plea.
Let me die
damn you all
I have Cancer in my mind.
You live behind fake smiles and superficial styles.
The only time i ever felt free was when I wrote without thinking
I’ve lost my creativity
I’m done thinking
My rights taken from me.
Death embrace me
Why can’t you fall in love with me?
Damn you all.
I am my biggest flaw.
Live for yourselves.
let me disappear into a shallow grave carved out of skin
Scarred by the welts of time.
A master of self distortion
Fuck the life-it serves no function.
All I had were my words.
Now I have nothing but a habit of crawling on hands and knees hiding from life’s sores.
I don’t want to be famous.
i want another chance to die — Fuck you
Hospital and doctors orders
I’m not an animal!
I’m a ghost of the cult of the morbid.
These are my words
Damn you, Bee!
Manipulate me into loving you
If only I didn’t care.
Maybe I don’t…
These words are simple.
Not good enough.
I’m the fucker with the guardian angel who won’t let me go.
Fuck you, you test me, then arrest me.
I’m perpetually unhappy.
Let me go.
Let me finally be free.
I was born into the wrong world,
The wrong time.
fuck you all – I don’t want to be
I’m too damningly kind.
Survival of the fittest — I’m a rumpled coward-a retard — a misfit.
Damn you,host — you saved me — when you should have save your breath for another.
I exist for others peace of mind.
*something self loathing in Rage -is (?) I wrote post -suicide attempt*
Write to recover. I don’t always feel so much self loathing. There is always a silver lining…….
Loss of control
Increased numerical equation
Detract from the value of self-worth.
Aspirations snipped loose by an unearthly, scale driven puppet master
Reduces an entire psyche to a chemical embarrassment.
Good mood desires nourishment
the live to eat philosophy
A heavy burden the beast bears herded in.
restricted to forage on cashing out a societal life policy.
A one manned island
to its hunger
Be authentic 👏and keep writing , expressing yourself, pushing out of your comfort zone, getting back on the wagon , dealing with regrets with advocates/friends.
No person’s life is perfect. Many days a tough and unbearable however there are days when we can push ourselves to places we never imagined seeing or experiencing.
Challenges make us stronger even when they feel like they are destroying us at the time; albeit second, moment, hour, weeks, months…
Recovery has no limits-
if you have hope or can find a match or a flint or even be thrown a lifeline of light to help you guide yourself back to shore.
Don’t be ashamed to use the lighthouse. A metaphor 😉
I’ve leant on many people – strangers and family alike. People who were there short-term or long-term.
Not everyone is 100 percent helpful. Learn what you can from your experiences- good and bad . Set your boundaries. It takes a life time of changing them and setting them.
Don’t knock yourself for having to hit your head against a wall trying to learn the same lesson multiple times –
The aim is to keep your eye on the long goal.
Be as educated as you can on yourself
Use others to lean on without abusing their time
Learn to take accountability for your life
Fall if you you must..
Just get back up and remember to look after yourself. Basics – hair , teeth , bath , clean clothes.
Open the curtains, make your bed even if you get back into it 5 mins later, get out walking even for 5 mins.
Feel whatever you feel and notice it and listen to others even if you want to hurt in & disagree…
That’s it from me.
Prompt the order of the dog
There are many types of Child Abuse
Emotional Abuse can be hard to spot and is easy to miss the signs.
- humiliating or constantly criticising a child-
When my Mom was in a Domestic Violent Relationship with my ex step father he would constantly tell me I was chubby, too clingy.
- threatening, shouting at a child or calling them names
- making the child the subject of jokes, or using sarcasm to hurt a child
- blaming and scapegoating
My ex -step father would shout at me for wanting to be close to my mom. He would drag me into my bedroom -my mom would stick up for me and she would get the brunt of my tantrums, clinginess, my eating issues.
- making a child perform degrading acts
- not recognising a child’s own individuality or trying to control their lives
- pushing a child too hard or not recognising their limitations
My ex step father’s idea of teaching me how to swim was to grab hold go me, jump into the swimming pool and stay under the water until I thought I would pas out. He would do this as a joke in front of his friends and laugh at me for being so scared. I was 5 years old
- exposing a child to upsetting events or situations, like domestic abuse or drug taking
My ex step father used to beat my mom up regularly because she dared to challenge him for cheating on her constantly ,for getting a 15 year old pregnant. He was always high and there were always parties going on with strange men and women around. I used to try and defend my mom until I became too afraid. I used to barricade myself in my bedroom. I would wait until he came home from work and hide under the bed.
- failing to promote a child’s social development
- not allowing them to have friends
- persistently ignoring them
I felt like my life was irrelevant. I wasn’t worth anything. I remember having an argument with my mom. She was struggling with her Mental health and the abuse. She came home from work when I was 5/6 years old. I was dressed up in her wedding dress and having fun. She screamed at me to get out her room .She was crying, I didn’t want to be away from her. She locked me out of the room because I started to have a tantrum. I went to the kitchen and got a knife out of the drawer and went to her bedroom door and yelled I was going to stab myself if she didn’t open the door. No reply. I heard her crying. I felt alone and that I couldn’t help her.
- being absent
When I felt helpless and angry. I would act out. I would binge on food, wet the bed conrantly and go and sleep with the dogs in the kitchen. I recall one day feeling so worthless and useless that I couldn’t make my mom better or please my ex step father that I packed a suitcase falloff toys and clothes. I needed to get away. I walked down the driveway (to my child self -it looked like I was walking a long way from home), When I reached the end of the driveway I looked left, right, I looked across the road and I thought to myself: What do I do now? I prayed that a car with two nice people would stop and pick me up and take me away from where I was. That didn’t happen. I had to accept my defeat and I walked back up the drive way angry. No body knew I had disappeared and I didn’t get the attention I wanted.
- manipulating a child
Manipulation can be so subtle. I recall a time when my mom had found out about another affair that my ex stepfather had. He turned up from work with a puppy for me. I was over the moon.
- never saying anything kind, expressing positive feelings or congratulating a child on successes
- never showing any emotions in interactions with a child, also known as emotional neglect.
SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE IN OLDER CHILDREN
- use language you wouldn’t expect them to know for their age
- act in a way or know about things you wouldn’t expect them to know for their age
- struggle to control their emotions
- have extreme outbursts
- seem isolated from their parents
- lack social skills
- have few or no friends.
EFFECTS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE
- wanting attention or becoming clingy
I never wanted to leave my moms side. I refused to go to school. I would have tantrums and do anything to be heard.
- not caring how they act or what happens to them
I became a child who started walking home from school on my own from 5/6 years old. I remember a group of older boys pushing me about and touching my breasts and vagina.
- trying to make people dislike them
I didn’t feel very likeable or good about myself so I pushed people away from me. I didn’t feel Could trust people and even today I will show people the worst parts of me to protect myself.
- developing risky behaviour, like stealing, bullying or running away.
The first time I stole anything was a 5 rand note from my mom so I could buy myself and people in my class sweets at the tuck shop. My ex step father refused to allow me to eat sweets because I was too ‘chubby’. I ran away from home many times as a teenager to get away from my mom when I was a teenager and my Nan and my Dad who refused to acknowledge me. I didn’t want my family to dictate to me. I didn’t want them to tell me they knew what was best for me. I wanted to escape and drugs and being around strange men seemed like the right answer.
EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT PROBLEMS
- feeling, expressing and controlling emotions
- lacking confidence or causing anger problems
- finding it difficult to make and maintain healthy relationships later in life
- higher levels of depression and health problems as adults compared to those who experienced other types of child abuse.
MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS
- mental health problems, including depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts
I went on to develop serious mental health issues. I developed social anxiety from a young age. My first suicide attempt was at 12 years old
- eating disorders
I became obsessed with my weight. I couldn’t deal with my weight issues and I started taking diet tablets at the age of 15 years old. I abused cocaine and mandrax and ecstasy -any drug to stop me from thinking about food. I used to demand my mother take me to doctors to prescribe diet pills for me even though I was thin. I had huge problems and I eventually developed Chromic anorexia. I was sectioned twice in the U.K. In 2007 I develop Bradycardia. My BMI was 14. My weight was 39 kilograms. I wanted to die.
I don’t know why I felt the need to cut my legs in my Nan’s kitchen when I was 12/13. I didn’t know how else to express myself. When I lost my virginity to a guy who had left his ex and promised to date me and be with me. The next night his ex, myself and him herein his car and he chose his ex over me. I flipped. I couldn’t deal with the pain, the headache and I cut myself with a bottle neck and became uncontrollable.
- language development
- problems forming healthy relationships.
If you want to help some one who is being abused in all its forms or to help some one who is self harming.
It’s mental health awareness week in the U.K.
This time last year I was in a coma after trying to take my life-again. I woke up 9 days later on my mom’s birthday. I don’t think I have come to terms with the fact that I am still alive. These past fews days my mental health has been deteriorating and I’m trying my hardest to fight these sodding demons in my head.
I’ve been feeling suicidal again. I have everything to live for.
It doesn’t mean the thoughts go away.
I fight my battles every single day and I reach out even if its to get away from my head for a few minutes.
I can’t have a head transplant or swap my head with some one else for an hour.
Self medicating rarely works or makes me feel good so I push myself to reconnect with life in different ways again.
It’s mental health awareness week and maybe by being in nature , trying to get out of my head may help.
Maybe by just going through the motions even though my thoughts carry on chattering away it doesn’t matter. The act and the intention is what matters.
For a few moments I’m distracted by some other nature that isn’t my own…
Suicide isn’t the answer. I will carry in telling myself this until I believe it.
My story hasn’t ended.. life has a greater purpose, I
#mentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealthawarenessmonth
Today, I heard the postman push through my mail. I opened one letter and my heart nearly dropped to the floor quicker than the letter did. My hands were trembling like an addict going into withdrawals.
It was the referral letter from my G.P. and mental health nurse to be assessed by the Adult eating disorder services in Leeds. When I picked up the letter to go and read it , I felt like I was drunk – the words were spread out , doubling over the next word, hazy and unreadable , hazy and clouding my vision then my judgement as I felt the tears wet my cheeks and watched then drip into the paper.
I’m unsure why I started to cry. A combination of Fear and relief?
Fear that I might be rejected from getting psychotherapy because I’m not thin enough. Since I’ve moved house -3 months ago, I’ve put on 6 kilos( nearly 1 stone).
Fear that I will get the help I want and face my Eating disorder willingly. I know it’s a headspace controlled by my eating disordered part of me. The space of the unknown. That moment in between.
That train of thought –to be ill I need to look ill.
My rational mind totally ‘gets it’. My emotions and feelings about the impending assessment took my thoughts back to the years I spent in and out of hospitals, the loneliness ( I still feel many days)felt, my dream career that I had to stop due to my health deteriorating linked in with my eating disorder, the isolation..
I still tend to isolate myself. Most days ,I struggle with getting out and socialising. Most people think I’m over confident.
These days I’m less rigid in my thinking around my eating disorder. I know it’s there. Hell, it chatters to me 24 hours a day 😂😭. I also know the amount of energy it takes keeping my weight at this level.
The thought of all the dedication and commitment to go back and actively starve myself to below 50 kgs fills me with terror because the life I’ve managed to create will have no meaning or purpose, if I let it consume my entire world , it’s a bit like,how I feel about my suicidal thoughts since my last suicide attempt in , May 2020. I remember the pain and terror of when I thought I had been abducted by aliens -when the truth is :I was in a coma for nearly 10 days.
Truth is: I was beyond terrified however, the suicidal thoughts don’t disappear completely.
I’m actively trying to get my weight down to 53-54. A weight loss of 3 -4kgs. My safe weight. Will I want to stop when I get to that weight or carry on chasing a deficit in numbers and chipping away at my character, self esteem and my personality simultaneously?
Just like an addict- adding fire to aid the beast of addiction to lash out flames of fury at me.
Many years have passed since I was last sectioned for anorexia. My life has transformed -no, I have an actual life that my imagination never ever could conceive. I was drowning in ignorance because my mental illnesses had told me things that I believed.
I’ve made goals and achieved them. Some goals were not planned until circumstances pertaining around them turned them into goals to conquer or over come.
- A daughter
- A husband
- My degrees in higher education
- Volunteering with mental health charities
- Eating the way I do today
- Conquerimg other obsessions and addictions-actively working to stay away from that behaviour
- Looking at getting back in to full time employment
There is the desire to be free of my eating disorder.
So much has changed in my life and what role my Eating disorder and obssesions play in my life
Conversely, not much has changed either…….. ( dot dot dot dot).
I didn’t want to write today. Small words about a big force that hangs over me.
My word but moving house is super stressful.
I’m happy because I’m moving to new pastures.
Life has been a mind haunting experience over the past 2months.
My anorexia nervosa reared its ugly head because I needed some form of self medicating after stopping toxic self medicating.
I lost over 2-3 stone!
I love food.. I have recently been bingeing on food. My husband can’t stop me. After a binge,I’m verbally abusive to him, because I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.
I chew the foos and spit it out.
My weight has gone up to 8stone 10 from 8stone.
I’m angry because I rely on government money for my illnesses.
I’m trying to get better.
I have an assessment award review in 3weeks time and, well… I feel like I need to lose the wight I’ve gained to justify I’m ill.
I attempted a serious suicide overdose in , May 2020.
I was in a coma for 5days on life support and a further 5 days in critical ICU care.
I’ve done 4 serious suicide attempts in 2 years and 2months.
I tried to jump off a well known bridge.
I had 5 people hold me down so I couldn’t jump.
Now my gut instinct says try and kill myself.
I’m tired of my illnesses.
I wish I could have a job that covers my bills.
My daughter who is 9 years old has never been on holiday-not even in the U.K. because I can’t afford it.
I’m bricking it. I have a lot of paperwork to prove I’m ‘seriously* ill as my family and husband states.
I can’t move time ahead nor make the assessor re approve my extra income.
Not having control over my world is debilitating but i have to focus on my new life and have a plan B if I am not awarded PIP.
I remember my first meeting with a mental health charity to collaborate and co-facilitate an anti- Stigma workshop/group that This is what I have been wanting to do for some time and here I am achieving my dreams. When I was back -institutionalized in an Acute ward with Anorexia and Bipolar in 2005. I think that personality trait to help others and organize groups has always been in me.
was am a nightmare patient.
I always refused bed rest and focused my time on doing things like raffles to raise money for a charity shop connected to the Retreat,in York. I ended up raising over £100 in a matter of days with a BMI of 14.5. so about 41 kilograms. , 90 pounds – I’m nearly 5.8.
In other clinics- I was tube fed and restrained -often by up to four nurses.
That is a whole other story and debate.
I met another man who is/was a barrister and he had a complete breakdown. His wife had been cheating on him. I met an artist who expressed her unarticulated pain by painting. I met a woman who had been fighting Anorexia and OCD all her life and who taught me how to put a Christmas tree up.
I had forgotten.
I didn’t know what life was and what it meant to live.
I met a few ladies, not on my unit -The Acorn unit ( the name pun has not gone over my head). They expressed their pain through cutting and self-harm.
Nobody played games. Although some of us, from time to time would get hold of paracetamol and other shit and overdose to liven the humdrum mundaneness of life in an acute ward. I once got caught out on weigh day with fishing scales attached to my paper gown. The staff was quite taken aback with imaginative ways we would come up with to avoid putting on weight. These girls were hardcore. I met so many people.
I met a girl who terrified me. I could tell she had been in hospitals all her life. Her family could absolve themselves of whatever guilt they felt towards their daughter by puttting her in private clinics and the problem was dusted under the carpet.
I had started the process and recovery of eating again and putting on weight. I couldn’t cope. I developed another way to cope, for at least 4 months my day consisted of:
making a coffee
eating more chewing gum
make a cup herbal tea
smoke a cig .