Category Archives: My thoughts on…..
Bahtuhkid · my thoughts about the past
When I think I’ve escaped the past
I know my Ma doesn’t drink alcohol and she Sort of kicked me out without kicking my ass.
My daughter cried
Tatiana didn’t meow
I came back to the place where I thought I would relapse
I went to buy cat food
shop was closed
memories of that drug dealer who shine bright with implanted teeth
£4000 inclusive holiday
I could have gnashed
Instead, I congratulated him for his holly wood smile with panache.
Using my money to fulfill another dream — one more ticked off his bucket list
It’s so sad
I’m back in the house
haunted by ghosts of the past.
Mother wouldn’t let me in
steam off on a legal poison
Get Sleep with Prosecco & a gin with a 60 pence glass.
Daughter cried I packed my bags
I saw her cry for our cat
I packed up all my bags
And walked out like an immature twocker
with a dirty rash.
DIDI WANT TO SCORE THE GREATEST OF THE GREATEST OF SNIFF?
Nah, all I wanted was freedom & to sleep without alcohol and illegal grass or bash.
Here I sit in darkness not happy to be back.
I have a packet of lamberts and Prosecco I’m NOT interested in drinking until I’m befokkered.
I won’t sleep
Forever forgotten all thoughts that made me high
Making drug dealers run for corruption, greed, and bite so compared to ash Wednesday like sinners driving by.
My bee she cried for my Tatiana
Guilt came flooding for sleep in a bed
where my inner whore rode the men who treat me like trash
Except for my soul mate …
He told me to fuck off and I gladly said
Went to the shop
Found spring water tuna-I
Felt Less guilty
felt less crass.
Went against the momma bears rule.
I’m a wildflower with an instinct to rebel from life rules.
THE FALLEN ANGEL WITH INVISIBLE WINGS
If chickens could fly higher I’d fly higher than the dragon from the land of sniff ready to rape
fOr an extra taste.
In coma 5 days x another 5
In a coma, I remembered the alien abduction
Their torture made me atone to live life differently
I’d even believe in mom’s anointment of Jesus Christ.
Thorns of roses
Thorns of self-destruction.
Alone with my cat — my husband won’t come back-
My child is probably still crying.
I’m alone again
I can’t complain
This was my choice.
I want to sleep
Dream of our family home
help those who shouldn’t live a history worse than orphans blurred vision live on the African continent
Not their decision.
*written on 13 June at 11 pm. 2020 ( today is 29th June and still wanting to Live)
I didn’t relapse. I didn’t want to get high. I had a drink because I needed to sleep and I’m on sleeping medication 5 days a week out of 7. I’ve asked my doctor to take me off 15 mg of Nitrazepam that I had been since 2007.
It three weeks since I tried to take my life and nearly succeeded, maybe Life is not finished with me yet because my family were told to prepare for my death, brain damage or me being paralyzed*
It hasn’t taken away everything
there is still me inside.
Don’t forget I rise, fall, stumble, then I suppose because I’m here, I rise.
See even grey lizards can be
Newborn from cinders.
My number is definitely not over
Mother’s nature to beta block a seizure on Kronos’s clock.
merely an earthling in my mortal dregs tried
to take my heartbeat, crush it in my hands
So many times,
Yet here I still am.
I pulverised the very heart of my soul
This beaten path
Led to a southern state in need of heart donors
Many lived as secluded slaves
pieces pulled apart.
I may be flawed but you’re no patron saint
for you have a blood hue lusting for the Big Easy.
See there it is!
Blemished if only so faint.
Self-hatred became queasy & took it out on my star crossed lover
Call it, resting bitch face syndrome.
My love can be seen -it hovers.
Moments of Rapture are fleeting
Take time to bask in my lover’s latest sunshades.
Who’s to say we’ll never meet up with
a black dog again
– a self-made state of oppression.
The Living aint easy.
my relationships my temper and I write to make sense of my thoughts)
Where is my mind?
The weed who has every right to declaim — life’s not fair.
I’m back , I’m here . And a round of applause for me.
I’m reclaiming my life!
Life is like tax credits. We have to keep on reclaiming it to make sure we get it.
For one reason only:
This is my life and I care.
separated from the one I thought I
saw my life for what it really is
If that makes me a hard bitch, emotionless or selfish.
I’ll take every adjective and I’ll mix it in with my next meal.
Add an extra portion of muscles and plenty of shellfish.
One life to choose.
Mine or another?
I choose me and my daughter.
Every. Single. Time.
I’m a cheater, I’m a druggie. I’m crazy. I’m a …what?
I ain’t got time for your nonsense,
Pack your shit up and get out;
so I can raise my family
people are human.
Some people keep on building the same rickety, useless fence over and over and over.
And then die.
If my vices-when activated
render me a misfit of society?
Bah j’en fiche!
Whatever! I don’t value your opinion.
I’m not suicidal.
I’m not a sheep.
I’ve been swimming since I was living in an amniotic sac.
Born and bred.
The water life chose me.
Life is not fair — don’t be patronizing.
Boy ( you’ll be a man soon)
Listen. I don’t need you or you type.
I sure as hell, don’t want you.
What about all I’ve done for you.
I literally picked you off the street.
Must I go into detail ….
I’m dealing with it.
I can’t hit a button and go on the rewind.
Her bond to me- is first and foremost.
She’s already living a lie.
I have to explain to her who her biological father is.
Parents walk away every day from their children.
Others do step up
and do good by them.
Until… abuse and disrespect start again.
Back off deal with your emotions.
Cut the strings. Grow a ..ahem
Pair of wings.
Fly – be ambitious — live your life.
You want to be role model?
Live your life.
That is the greatest show of love you can bestow on a child.
Show them –
yes, life is unfair.
No one ever said it was easy.
Nobody wins a prize for it.
Depending on your religion.
If you want a prize
go pick one and go with it.
We just gotta keep going on,
Don’t lose sight of that lighthouse.
It will bring us back to shore.
I can’t carry another dead weight.
I need to save myself and my child.
I was drowning in all of your shit.
The ones I chose to sleep with, and play a game of common whores.
We can all do chores
We can all be whores.
We can all be bores.
Genderize it. Put it into context.
I look around me and everyone with ‘a stick to throw’ has disappeared.
I’m on my knees.
A new dawn, a new day.
New gossip to come — Lodi Dodi -there’s some tussle or gossip to come from some other party.
(Slick Rick reference)
Fodder for the foraging masses.
I don’t owe you an explanation
If being busy is a sign of vindictiveness
If saying no- is a sign of vindictiveness-
Throw that hoop on me.
And I’ll hula hoop my way into ‘the vindictive dance award’s category.
What else can you/people throw at me?
It hurts more when I’m unstable, high – not using my resources.
When I’m me. I can take it.
It doesn’t hurt.
my life —its where I’m at
Live for yourself.
miserable human lives for someone else’s approval.
Trust me, I’ve tried, never lied, nothing to hide.
Everything to gain
lose my sanity, possibly my child?
My Biggest gamble.
willing to take my own life.
You’re stood there crying like you are’ the shook one.’
I’ve stepped into reality.
Scraping dog shit off my shoes every day.
willingly believe dog shit is a sign I’m going to receive good news.
willingly believe that I have what it takes to make it — Again.
gasped my first breath in years.
Not willing to let you cripple me
see another way-
see another route never said I cared about you or him or that.
probably do. This is where I am at.
I do not answer to you.
Or you –
I know who I have to answer to.
Pass me more tissues
aware of my issues.
My life or yours?
I’d be certifiable insane if I allow me to take more attempts on my life.
On a final note
‘I am an artist and I’m sensitive about my shit ‘
- Photo credit Francesca Woodman