Life challenge on a soundtrack
I’m putting on my armour – mere mortal that I am and,
for the next week preparing for battle with all things to do with organising a funeral for next Wednesday.
I remember standing in my gran’ s room for 9 hours -maybe more . My Ma is super religious and she was telling my Gran to go to the light- just walk to it. She was telling her that she was ready for her to leave.
‘Leave – I let you go’
I don’t know if I’m sick and twisted,I mean we all deal with grief in our own ways but, I had this occurring thought that-my Gran wanted to sit up and look at my Ma and in a demonic voice go:
” There is no fucking light. Give me water, feed me. I’m in pain – at the very least give me a dose of morphine, you inhumane bastards”
My ma kept on asking where my ( dead) Grandpa and Aunt were. Why were they taking so much time to collect Gran to take her to heaven?
Sarcasm got the best of me – I was thinking ‘who in their right mind would come back to this shit hole?’
If I went to a country and got food poisoning or a strange illness. I would not go back to that place because of my previous association with the place.
72 hours.
That is how long it took her to go.
Here is my biggest thought. It’s not pretty and it’s highly unsentimental.
I think; because my ma was ready to say goodbye that is why Gran is dead.
No, I’m not saying she killed her. There are many laws blurred with the assisted dying law. I am pro for it only, if it’s not dressed up as the blessing and will of a God.
I think if we had nursed her back to health -given her water, kept her in the hospital, fed her etc…
She would still be here.
She would still be the vacant shell of the woman she once was -living in a bed,24/7, surrounded by iconic pictures and statues of some white Jesus,who happened to be a shoddy carpenter but a damn good healer/shaman/ trickster – IDK figure that out.
The doctor wouldn’t give her pain relief because she didn’t look like she was in pain.
She had vascular dementia and Alzheimer – her body couldn’t respond -neither could her mind.
Just because she was wasn’t thrashing about -making a nuisance of herself;
Does that mean she wasn’t in pain?
If It took me 72 hours of
no food, water, people looking at me crying, and me with a rosary bead around my neck, to hopefully, slip away
“peacefully”
I can assure you – I would be in severe pain – if not physically, then most certainly mentally.
I choose the battles to fight.
It doesn’t matter what I believe because the fact is: she is not here.
My own beliefs or even my daughter’s theory that she is ‘ hopping from one aeroplane to the next travelling the world ‘ or whatever.
It’s a comfort to me that I can’t see her in that care home -wasting away.
I don’t know what possessed me to do it!
I’m analytical and an observer -It was about 10 pm on Saturday night. We were all tired. Gran was awake- not dying ….. ( if this comes across as disrespectful – please bear in mind,I have my own beliefs about religion and dignity in dying)
My Ma had fallen asleep on the cushion part of the bed, my gran was lying in her bed and, hanging on the wall in the background, was a picture of his lord’s son , most merciful saviour.
I have the picture on my phone.
It’s a picture that shows that humans suffer. God’s don’t move from their paintings and show mercy.
If that were true there would be NO suffering in the world.
The picture shows a dutiful daughter , exhausted and full of love, refusing to let her mother die alone and scared,
watching over them is some picture of the son of a God doing- fuck all.
I won’t put this picture on here out of respect for my family.
It is an image that clearly expresses my inner conflict about my love and duty towards my family and my own beliefs about life and beyond…..
I particularly like my daughter’s belief that my Gran is rocking it on Jupiter.
That is where I would go – screw heaven!
They’ve denied entry for this amount of time. Sure they can hang on for a bit longer.
I’m going travelling . I don’t need money.
Anyway,
The challenge is not only a blog challenge but it’s about challenging m
yself to move forwards
Today is all about:
choosing makeup for my gran to wear – she’s being cremated( she wanted to be buried), choosing flowers, travelling around the countryside picking up various legal documents with my gran’s social security number and evidence that she is dead.
My gran has been treated by the government with more respect now she is dead,than when she was alive.
I sound angry and bitter.
I’m not. I’m glad she’s not suffering.
I hate hypocrisy and injustice and I speak my mind often, especially when I care about something or someone.
I fell out with my tutor about my TMA 1 script because of our different perspectives on the homelessness crisis.
Come on ,
This is my character.
I will be 40 years old in 4 years time. I’m set in my ways just like jelly. :D😁😁😁😁🤔🤔
I can learn new tricks if tempted 😉
In my defence,
I know I speak my mind and heart.
It’s not always appropriate but I do mean well. I love fiercely. I am there for my mother until her last breath. I have her back. I will lay my life down for her. Many times I’ve manned up and apologised (to people)if I went overboard and said let’s agree to disagree.
That’s fucking dramatic – ha ha!…. let’s do this!
Posted on Jun 14, 2022, in WRITE TO RECOVER and tagged Beliefs, Emotions, humanity, Life, Relationships, spirituality, Thoughts. Bookmark the permalink. 24 Comments.
Daisy…hats off to you ..your grandma will be happily reading this post from some Jupiter..really appreciate the way your mom handled the heartbreaking situation
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thank you Akhila, your comments mean a lot. My mom is going for a sainthood 😁. She is an astounding human being x catch up soon
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Sainthood..🤔
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😁😁😁😁
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Daisy I’m sending you hugs and lots of encouragement as you have to do what many of us don’t have the strength to do. Praying for you and your family during this difficult time.
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Bless you,Tikeetha. Your words mean more than you know x
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Huge hugs, Daisy.
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Hey eugenia xx thank you xx
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I hope when our time comes, we are allowed to choose when and how we go. Or have enough money to bribe someone to knock me unconscious and just throw me (with a heavy rock connected to me) in the middle of some ocean. Anything to avoid 72 hours of pain. Because, that is a though way to have to lose a beloved one. Sending you strength and love to give this loss a place into your brain and heart.
Big hug,
XxX
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Ha ha. That’s my kind of thinking. Aaw thank you for your kind words. I can feel they genuinely come from the heart xx big hugs
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Sending you BIG WARM HUGS!!!! Thinking of you at this time…..Grief heals itself…..Take Care! ❤ ❤
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Thanks Babs, I’m feeling the love. In its own time indeed. X
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Be patient with yourself…my dear! And Kind! Hugs! ❤
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there is alot to take in here. one you loved your gran. two your mother was abusive and had ill feelings towards her. three your grief. allow it all the time you need to let her go and may she rest in peace and peace be with you tasher.
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Hey John, sorry if it it came across that my ma is abusive. She isn’t. She loved her mom dearly. I don’t know many daughters who would do what my mom did for my gran. We have different religious beliefs but there is no doubt in my mind and heart that my mother is a wonderful lady who astounds me everyday. She sets the bar for how a daughter should be . Hugs
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ok
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😊😊 have a great weekend
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remains to be seen. you too tasher
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Thank you 😁😁😁
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hmmmmmmmmmmm yw
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Reblogged this on wwwpalfitness.
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TY Paul . hope all is well 🙂
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You’re welcome Daisy. It’s been a shit ride lately
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Sorry to hear that, Paul. Take it easy and be kind to yourself 🙂
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