Perhaps I want to..

I want to stop stuffing my mouth with food

To allow the words I swallow tumble out my own truth .

I want my voice not to sound happy

I want it to be happy.

I want to eat meals without guilt.

I don’t want to be over weight.

I want anorexia to stop carving every single slice of edible part until there is nothing but my skeletal soul

Nothing but the debris of littered thoughts

Soiled emotions

Discarded remnants of self love.

I’m screaming

Pleading for just one match to light up my black holed life

The abyss that taunts

Torments

Each moment

Each breath

Every movement

I want to publish a book of my words

One solarity book to place on my bookshelf

I want to feel sexy without thinking that being curvy is criminal.

I want to feel pretty

Confident that I can eat sushi tonight when my daughter has a McDonald’s happy meal.

I’ve scoured the Just Eat.com menu

The thoughts become lairy loud

It becomes easier to take a valium or a drink

Awash myself clean against the accusations

I’m tainted

Impure

My thighs touch

My breasts are disproportionately imperfect

And,

I don’t want to blame it on Some tasteless comment some child made when I was 12 years old.

My collar bones are disappearing

My butt is bigger

Im not disappearing

I’m not smaller

I want a worthwhile exsistance

I want to claim my happiness

Perhaps my words are my winning ticket to recovery .

Perhaps I need to buy enough ink and paper to print off 6 years of documented writings, poems, plays, stories and musings

I want

I want

I want my body to understand what it needs

I need

I need

I need my mind

To understand

What it wants.

About Daisy Willows

'Words are my everything' - Jon Wayne . A writer of poetry, stories, stage scripts, fiction, border line poetry & freestyle works, Music reviews, Guest Features/interview & shout outs. She is also passionate about raising anti-stigma & awareness for Mental Health. A trained co-facilitator in Wellness Recovery Action plan by Mary Ellen Copeland Natasha goes by many moniker names-Daisy Willows, bahtuhkid, GOAT2Bdazee. She has had a colourful life. Travelled. Natasha co-owns a second-hand clothing & accessories business -La Bella Bijoux Ltd Natasha was born in South Africa & is a French national. She currently resides in the UK Natasha Bodley holds a postgraduate in the Humanities. A BA in Myth in the Greek and Roman worlds & Advanced creative writing. She also holds a Foundation degree in Acting performance. She is currently working on her first novel (semi-autobiographical creative non-fiction). She has published one short story on Amazon called 'Number one' Connect with Natasha Collaborate with Natasha & feel free to Communicate her too. Light, Peace & Love!

Posted on Sep 4, 2021, in POETRY, WRITE TO RECOVER and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. The last lines – “I want, I want, I want.” This is what my eating disorder was screaming underneath all the time, I think. Of course, what it really meant was “I need.” And sometimes, “I hurt.” You’re right that this is what we stop from coming out. ❤️️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I get what you are saying ( I think ), wouldn’t it be great if our body and our mind could make friends ?!
      Thank you so much for reading. I started binging on food a few months ago. An anathema to my previous anorexic behaviours . My cousin suggested that every time I go to binge I write about it whether it’s before , during or after and I tried it last night. I want the next 40 years of my life to be soke5hing more than my illnesses & this feels like a step in the right direction. I feel so blessed that you relate, Ems. Hope you are well?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, arthritis is kicking my ass. But, I’m nearing two years of no throwing up, something I consider a miracle. I’ve also gradually stopped restricting, though coming to terms with the changes to my body are hard – but worthwhile.
        I think that as we work on our recovery, and get closer to it, our EDs start to really fuss. I tried to think of them as ED death throes. 😌

        Liked by 1 person

        • That is great news about your strength in not throwing up. The long term effects if eating disorders are one of those if only we knew then kind of thing. ED death throes? That’s interesting. I found as I get older – my body changes and so does my thinking about where I want to be in terms of my eating disorder. Changing disorderd thoughts is so hard. Yes, the battle of wills- I think it has some thing to do with change and that part of ourselves that wants to accept that to change is inevitable and beyond our limits and the part of our character that cannot emotionally catch up with the idea of change if that makes sense? Time to be kind to ourselves and learn what that truly means xx

          Liked by 1 person

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