Today, I heard the postman push through my mail. I opened one letter and my heart nearly dropped to the floor quicker than the letter did. My hands were trembling like an addict going into withdrawals.
It was the referral letter from my G.P. and mental health nurse to be assessed by the Adult eating disorder services in Leeds. When I picked up the letter to go and read it , I felt like I was drunk – the words were spread out , doubling over the next word, hazy and unreadable , hazy and clouding my vision then my judgement as I felt the tears wet my cheeks and watched then drip into the paper.
I’m unsure why I started to cry. A combination of Fear and relief?
Fear that I might be rejected from getting psychotherapy because I’m not thin enough. Since I moved house -3 months ago, I’ve put on 6 kilos( nearly 1 stone).
Fear that I will get the help I want and face my Eating disorder willingly. I know it’s a headspace controlled by my disordered eating. The space of the unknown. That moment in between.
That train of thought –to be ill I need to look ill.
My rational mind totally ‘gets it’. My emotions and feelings about the impending assessment took my thoughts back to the years I spent in and out of hospitals, the loneliness ( I still feel many days)felt, my dream career that I had to stop due to my health deteriorating linked in with my eating disorder, the isolation..
I still tend to isolate myself. Most days ,I struggle with getting out and socialising. Most people think I’m over confident.
These days I’m less rigid in my thinking around my eating disorder. I know it’s there. Hell, it chatters with me 24 hours a day. I also know the amount of energy it takes keeping my weight at this level.
The thought of all the dedication and commitment to go back and actively starve myself to below 50 kgs fills me with terror because the life I’ve managed to create will have no meaning or purpose, if I let it consume my entire world , it’s a bit like,how I feel about my suicidal thoughts since my last suicide attempt in , May 2020. I remember the pain and terror of when I thought I had been abducted by aliens -when the truth is :I was in a coma for nearly 10 days.
Truth is: I was beyond terrified however, the suicidal thoughts don’t disappear completely.
I’m actively trying to get my weight down to 53-54. A weight loss of 3 -4kgs. My safe weight. Will I want to stop when I get to that weight or carry on chasing a deficit in numbers and chipping away at my character, self esteem and my personality simultaneously?
Just like an addict- adding fire to aid the beast of addiction to lash out flames of fury at me.
Many years have passed since I was last sectioned for anorexia. My life has transformed -no, I have an actual life that my imagination never ever could conceive. I was drowning in ignorance because my mental illnesses had told me things that I believed.
I’ve made goals and achieved them. Some goals were not planned until circumstances pertaining around them turned them into goals to conquer or overcome.
My degrees in higher education
Volunteering with mental health charities
Eating the way I do today
Conquering other obsessions and addictions-actively working to stay away from that behaviour
Looking at getting back into full time employment
There is the desire to be free of my eating disorder.
So much has changed in my life and what role my Eating disorder and obsessions play in my life
Conversely, not much has changed either…….. ( dot dot dot dot).
I didn’t want to write today. Small words about a big force that hangs over me.