The queen of my mind.

I’ve been meaning to do this for a while. Yes, it exposes my vulnerability. I am merely human. I have bad days and good days. This letter is to the so-called friend I’ve kept as consul for most of my life.

Dear Anorexia and all the other secondary mental illnesses

I always seem to put this post off. I usually come out with all these things I have to say to you at the wrong times. Like when I am having a bath.


Okay, I sought you out. I did.

I begged you to be my friend and you eventually became the only friend I had. I didn’t want to lose everything. So, despite how I felt or how much pain I was in when I hurt myself, I did it. We had a strong bond. Bonds are not easily broken. Not even now, when I don’t want to be friends any more.

I thought you might be a bit more understanding if you understood what you took from me and what I allowed you to take.

You took most of my life experiences and made me put on a pair of your glasses so that I could only see life through your perspective.I didn’t have strong vision to begin with so I accepted your gift and I still wear them every now and then. I don’t know why you want me to hurt myself,

Life: everything I have ever seen and experienced has been through a filter of your making. You have had the final decision before I get to see anything, so I can then process it and carry on.

You encouraged me to self harm in so many other ways Drugs, cutting, taking chances, impulsive behaviour, getting into trouble. I don’t know if friends should really do that but I only had you. What did I know

You are jealous. I became your reflection..

Your reflection.

I had no life in me for many years. I was merely a toy- puppet of yours. Attached to strings to dance to your cacophonous melody. Sometimes I still feel you, hear you. Pulling me up. Making me go in a direction I don’t want to go in.

Every interest I had, be it watching a movie or reading or going to a rave and dancing or talking to people to try and make friends- you stole that from me.

I allowed it. I only see now, how awesome I can be without you. Fucking cool bananas.

You told me I was peculiar , not like other people, special, different.

You did a remarkable job of making me think that nobody understood the words, I spoke so I stopped talking. I let your talk for me- everyday, every living moment. Every tick of the clock. Your voice. Sounds so soft to others- barely audible- Invisible. To me it sounds more like a constant shriek in my mind, I feel anything but invisible – I feel I take up too much space.

Figure that one out? I can’t.

I lost my family. People thought I had an ego and thought that I was up my own fucking arse.

I only wanted to like myself.

I just wanted to feel good about myself. I thought you could help. If I was attractive to others people would get me and see all my awesome qualities and my true personality. You couldn’t stop at that.

You needed to coerce me into changing one small thing , then another small thing. You helped chip away everything that made me ME until I was lost and abandoned in the dark.

A vacant spot in a vast pool of darkness.A world of black and white. If people tried to talk to me you turned up the white noise. I sat there motionless.

Every person who spoke to me or who tried to be a friend to me -you would whisper they were lying to us, they don’t like us.


be on your guard.

Your motto.

You taught me that. I was and I am still on guard.

You know what?

Fuck this ..I’m not wallowing in the past.

What I really want you to know is I don’t want you in my life at all.

I was wrong and made a mistake.

I know better now.

I have a choice – it is my choice who will be in my life. Yes, you are powerful enough to try and come between everyone I love. I won’t let you.

I won’t.

You want to be friends with my daughter.


I know your true face. There is nothing behind that mask. I rip it off and before I can see the true you you dissolve right before my eyes. You need me more than I need you,mate.

You still try to convince me that our friendship is a blessing – that you give me strength to live.

I’m pretty convinced if I could find the cord that links me to you, I would be brave enough to cut it and I would finally start breathing properly again. I would learn how to breathe again. I would succeed.

How many times am I going to have to evict you from my mind?

Why don’t you get it?

I’m done with trying to kill myself.

You have taught me one thing – I am not at your mercy to live or die. You don’t get to choose because : I. won’t. let. you.

You crept back into my life last year.

So cunning, so sly……

Look at you smirking -so sure, so smug.

Like a snake, you slithered and curled around my whole body. I remember the familiarity of your touch -cold. Cold means thin. This means I’m winning. Your charm nearly disarmed me again.

In what seemed like mere seconds,your entire body had coiled itself around my neck -suffocating me. I nearly lost my mind for you again. A couple more months and I could have been back in the hospital.

I’m not some new friend of yours that has to be emaciated to believe I have earned your undying friendship. Today, I live in a body and a mind I have created.

To try and cast you out. Of course you weren’t going anywhere. How naive I still can be after all these years.

Why would you go somewhere else when you have everything you need in me.


I am healthy.

You tell me I’m fat.

I’m not fat.

I eat and you tell me to pinch my skin, you tell me to loathe it. You yell at me , telling me to grip my bones.

You tell me the bones have been lost in my womanly body.

How dare I grow up?

How dare I start having periods again?

How dare I have a child?

How dare I put her first ?

How dare I empower myself……

Now,you listen to me. You can make me cry- you know you can.

You know that every living moment I know you are with me, in me.

You won’t even let me be touched and loved by my own husband.

I flinch when he touches me because you have convinced me that my body is wrong.

It has taken four years to get to the place where I am with my husband. You don’t want me to enjoy being loved.

You don’t like affection.

Affection means a chance to be loved.

Your kind of love is like boiling water and third degree burns – plastic melting and merging with my skin -never letting go ;forever scarred and deformed.

All this to make sure you have me forever. You feed on my thoughts.

Why won’t you let me watch a fucking movie with my partner without making me aware of my body?

You are sick. Contagious. A reoccurring infection.

I don’t want to be sick. I know I can’t just get rid of you. For a time I was able to shut you out and started living.

Oh, what a jealous friend you have been. You plotted and planned – ready for your comeback .

Always had to be the one who has to take the lead part.

You can’t have the lead part in my life any more. My life is my stage. I am a producer,editor, stagehand, actor, writer, graphics producer , costume designer, light technician . Your dear friend has been made redundant.

See ,The terms and conditions of our contract?

See this lighter in my hand? Flame jumps from container to paper – it can’t lick up the paper quick enough.

I’m the one who says what goes in the script and what doesn’t

No, I know you don’t like this. You are laughing in my face. What was that?

I have no confidence,

I’m needy, lazy, a failure.

You are right,I’m not fucking perfect. How many times have I nearly died doing your bidding?

I want to be happy.

No, not your idea of happiness.

I want to forget about being aware of how you want me to feel about my body. I want to enjoy each moment away from the knowledge that my body is just there.

Today, I respect my body. You don’t need a mask to cover up the fact you have no idea what that word means.

I had so many things I had in my head …. to say to you…

I feel you still don’t get it.

I know I eat.

I have to eat . Don’t put the guilt trip on me if I feel hungry.

Yes,I do. I love food. There are so many more types of food I want to try and I am still afraid to try . I am learning though.

Every book or film or conversation I have ever had was drowned out by your voice or because I couldn’t stand to hear your voice again , I drugged myself, tried to take my life

– oh so many times.

Yet, I still stand..

You won’t go because you love a challenge. you enjoy the struggle.

How boring would it be for me to just give up.

Oh don’t get me wrong, love.

I have nearly died for you and you happily appeared to allow it. We both know you became my friend because you knew I would fight you.

Still now, twenty odd years later I fight you.

No – you can’t have increasingly lower digits. I have set the bar for what weight I can live with. I’m not going to stop eating if I go over that weight threshold. – I will cope. I will get back to my safe weight.

You hate the fact I exercise to keep fit and on track-to focus -to keep me rational – I have found out the secret you have hidden from me for so long.

I’m not going to binge or take laxatives again. It fucking hurts. 100 laxatives a day for how many years. I’m not buying into that abuse any longer.

You are having so much fun with me at this moment. Forever toying…..

The scales have gone up. I should know I’ve only been there with you over 50 fucking times today on that scale. Willing that 1.5 kilo of weight to go down.

I am not having fun.

I am a woman not a child. My spirit is not a newborn. You can’t corrupt it like you did all those years ago.

I get periods. There is a lot of ‘I don’t want’ that comes with the power to create life.

Fluid retention is one of them. You want me to think that these laws of a woman’s body don’t apply to me. Your arrogance never fails to catch me off guard.

You want me to think I have lost control…….

I see all this and I hate you with every thought, every emotion, everything.

Yet, you still won’ t go away

You may be having fun but I’m not having fun and I don’t want to play.

You have brought many foes to my door- snuck them in. Bipolar ,a so-called personality disorder, the list goes on and on. All free loaders.

Remember when I was at the height of my career? You wouldn’t let me become more successful. It wasn’t your definition of success so you took it from me.

Remember when I tried to better myself and go to college?

You fucked with my head then too.

Yes, I got my degree, eventually. I nearly died getting it.

I nearly died getting my daughter back too.

You like the fighters. The ones that put up a struggle. The more I struggled the more obstacles you put in my way- one of your finest tricks was the abusive relationship act.

I finally see you are indeed a one trick pony.

Well done, a round of applause.

You are not the master of my mind any more.

You are a bully- deranged.


I’m getting married and you can’t stop that. Yes, I know I’m vulnerable because I need to fit into my wedding dress.

Guess what?

I am going to have another child and I won’t let you stop me. I am going to nourish life, nurture it like I should have done the first time.

I will be free of the medication I take to stop you from having the upper hand all the time . I don’t think you have realised,

the fight you have with me, does not just end with me alone any more. You continue to take me on -you are now taking me and my family on.

You are a threat to my life- no not a pathetic one,but one full of joy and love and respect. You hate it. I don’t know why you won’t allow me to love.

Where did you come from ? and what made you so malicious?

I can’t be your therapist and provider.

Yes, we are back to fighting again;

I don’t need tarot cards to know the ending to this.

I’m winning.

Yes, I am.

You are strong, I will give you that but I have had four years of some kind of freedom from you –

You ,dear friend, let your guard down .

Thank you, because you gave me another reason to live and want to be alive. The devil I know or the glimpses of joy I have found in living ?

you lose,

check mate!

I will continue to rise as the queen of my mind and your whole kingdom built on flimsy lies is going to come toppling down.

If you are going to throw a punch – don’t let your guard down.

Practice what you preach.


About Daisy Willows

'Words are my everything' - Jon Wayne . A writer of poetry, stories, stage scripts, fiction, border line poetry & freestyle works, Music reviews, Guest Features/interview & shout outs. She is also passionate about raising anti-stigma & awareness for Mental Health. A trained co-facilitator in Wellness Recovery Action plan by Mary Ellen Copeland Natasha goes by many moniker names-Daisy Willows, bahtuhkid, GOAT2Bdazee. She has had a colourful life. Travelled. Natasha co-owns a second-hand clothing & accessories business -La Bella Bijoux Ltd Natasha was born in South Africa & is a French national. She currently resides in the UK Natasha Bodley holds a postgraduate in the Humanities. A BA in Myth in the Greek and Roman worlds & Advanced creative writing. She also holds a Foundation degree in Acting performance. She is currently working on her first novel (semi-autobiographical creative non-fiction). She has published one short story on Amazon called 'Number one' Connect with Natasha Collaborate with Natasha & feel free to Communicate her too. Light, Peace & Love!

Posted on Mar 4, 2021, in MY BRAIN -MY THOUGHTS, WRITE TO RECOVER and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 55 Comments.

  1. “We are all born beautiful, the greatest tragedy is being convinced we are not”. People always think that if you are on the larger side of the scale then you become complex. But I think, being a really skinny kid makes you quite complex too. I just remember being picked on for being as thin as a toothpick and I still am. People see me more for my super skinny physique than they see me for me and I’m so fucking done having people tell me what I should eat and do to gain a “healthy” body. It’s almost feels like people look at me with pity in their eyes and that just pushes me over the edge and somehow my anger seems to dissolve into pain, hurt and self loathing. Although I don’t suffer from anorexia, I could relate to this post on a very personal level. This is a great post, sending nothing but tons of love to you Daisy darling. Love you, keep writing, keep inspiring.❤️✨

    Liked by 1 person

    • 😀 I’m so happy that you relate to my post. It sucks that people still judge peoole on our body shapes or make assumptions. It’s really awesome to hear your thpughts. Thank you for sharing them. Happy international womens day!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing your journey. I’m glad you have continued to make you a priority in this process. ♥️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. VainBeauty

    As a person also with a disorder, well several, I understand how hard it can be to expose oneself. Well done.🌙🤍

    Liked by 1 person

  4. self esteem
    Is a shadow of what should be a friend
    I have many more of these wantbees
    I understand how it all works
    But it doesn’t make it easier to correct
    See you on the other side of creativity
    As always Sheldon


  5. Such a cathartic and candid post. It’s good to write these out. It refreshes and energizes you. Well done Daisy


  6. Hi DaisyWillows! 🙂

    Thanks for stopping by thepublicblogger and sharing this post. ❤ This is beautiful, and not in a "romanticize eating disorders" way but a very real, raw reality for many of us. Motherhood has a way of showing us what is important, and I am glad that it sounds like your daughter is your inspiration to fight. My son was that for me, even before he was conceived.

    If you'd like, swing by thepublicblogger again here in an hour, we are having another presentation on cutting that I think you'll love.

    New Crunchy Mom, Rebecca Lemke


  7. hi! Daisy, speechless myself. You have written a truthful experience and you are a strong person. Thank you for writing this blog and you fight the good fight. So much respects.

    I got very emotional when I read this blog twice myself. You are such a strong human being.


  8. Oh Daisy, I am speechless. I have read this twice and got emotional. What a beautiful post, so determined, so heartfelt, so just everything …. real. I could feel every word you wrote. You are great, you are beautiful and you are going to be fine. This is your time now and from now onwards and you are in control. Thank you for fighting the fight, you won !!! x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Lynne. I am shocked by all of your comments. I just needed to get stuff out of my head and the support from you – well everyone makes me so emotional. In a good way. I know it’s a virtual world but I open up myself to you all like you are my friends and a lot of you do the same. xxxxx thanks for supporting me. I will never forget you or anybody who has been so kind and supportive of me. Never .xoxox

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Strong words,amazing post.They say “know your enemy” ,and you seems to know your enemy well.I wish you the strength to carry on fighting and I know,that you will win.There is determination in your words and real strenghth!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Ondrey. so much faith in me. I’m so blessed to have people like your good self to care to read about my struggles. There are so many of us who do. Blogging is one of the best challenges I ever gave myself. Thankyou

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, i do have faith.In everybody,but myself.It’s work of progress ,but i can do it.You can do it too.One need to know,that there is somebody to catch us if we fail,somebody to say,that it will be ok.Even if this is only a virtual word of encouragement,it still can do miracles! i’m there for all ,who need me …..

        Liked by 1 person

      • cheers Ondrey. Same here. Blogging keeps me sane 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Wow. Daisy, this is incredible. What a beautifully written post – so heartfelt and desperate, yet so empowering and determined! Your courage to continue fighting, to maintain your hard-won freedom from this, is inspiring to say the least. Keep kicking its ass & showing it the door xx

    Liked by 2 people

  11. This is a fabulous letter Daisy, as you say you don’t need that old friend, because you now have great new friends who want everything good for you and the great life you have in front of you, Have a good day


    Liked by 2 people

  12. I reblogged this, Daisy, hope that’s okay. This piece is so powerful. I am so proud of you for STANDING UP TO IT, and realising that there are sacrifices to make and that you have to be willing to give things up. This letter is so honest, so raw, so real, that it sends shivers down my spine.

    Keep fighting, friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Reblogged this on dbsthoughtsblog and commented:
    READ THIS. If you do one thing today, read it. I’ve tried to write to my ED before, but it’s never worked that well. This is what I want to able to say one day

    Liked by 1 person

  14. wwwpalfitness

    Reblogged this on wwwpalfitness.


  15. Impressed by your courage and honesty 😄❤️
    You are giving a great gift to the world by sharing your truth. I am honored to read it

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Cinn, I don’t see it as a gift but I am honoured to have you and any body else read this post. It’s personal and usually I like to do upbeat and comical posts but sometimes we just have to let it all out right? 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  16. You are so brave and strong to have kept up the battle for so many years and though I can see you’ve had many unimaginably difficult times it sounds like you’re fighting hard to stay in a better place. Thank you for writing this, it is really inspiring!


  17. I won’t pretend to know the grab of an eating disorder but I can see how it took over just by reading your post. I leave near a young persons eating disorder unit and watch day these you children from I think 10 upward walk down my road. I think reading this could possibly show them there is hope and choices eventually. Inspiring piece of writing, thank you for the honesty

    Liked by 2 people

  18. This is an awesome piece. The way it goes from weakness to strength is amazing. You really are coming out on top of it all. I have been there and I am still struggling. This inspires me. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I think I’ve just felt every single emotion possible while reading that. All i can say is feel proud, feel love, breathe and stand tall. You are a warrior 💜

    Liked by 3 people

  20. mcnerneyblog

    That is really awesome. I loved it – every line. You should proud of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  1. Pingback: MAN-IMAL OR WO-MAN-IMAL? | Daisy in the Willows

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