A semi colon saves the day
On the 11 of May 2020 I attempted my final suicide -or so I thought.
I had read the suicide manual.
I chose death by overdose this time. I crushed the tablets into a gooey mixture -(added small drops of liquid)-with a morsel and pestle.
Measured a small dose of alcohal to 3/4’s apple juice then chugged the paste down without any hesitation.
Fear entered my brain a cloud saturated in grey -I let it sail past
Its size was irrelevant
I had to achieve death. One thing I was good at. Finding a way to cease to be
My other attempts were slow suicides. Sectioned multiple times -an inpatient stay -12 months at a time starving my body hadn’t worked
A suicidal coward -I couldn’t live with an ego wounded with a false hubris made shirt.
I waited until I was alone – my calculations of jumping off suicide bridge again seemed ill prepared for what I had in store.
Quetiapine -antipsychotic medication was a miscalculation too
The symptoms agitated my unconscious state
Stairs lead me to the front door
This is an account from my husband-yellow flowers in his hand
he found me regurgitating on my vomit on the kitchen floor.
In 2018 I ended up in ICU 9 hours -my mother prayed -I raged from her selfish wants.
She had no understanding of living day to day in a body half sawed from an asylum hijacked from myriad peacocks relentless
until I escaped -there sounds crawled up my spine
Lit upmy human barbaric side -quelled the blaze could not be subdued.
2020 -Inhaling my vomit
husband pushed open the back door with yellow roses to cheer me up
He knew I was running off the cliff – he thought let me cheer my missus up.
Many hours, days I was tortured by Aliens
Abducted. I pleaded for the fire to cease
for water to replenishes my thirst.
World War 2 Masks leering over me
Christians say I was in purgatory.
Mother on her knees
The daughter wrote to me in my sleeping castle.
I fought against the tube pipe minutes from a trachae-I begged for freedom -a place filled with light.
Hell what would I know?
Aliens abducted me -I know that cold water
Probing up my nose
Mind tricks disregarded my pleas to change
let me leave
I knew no prayer or god would release me
A face painted up as my mother caught my eye –
my daughter couldn’t hold my attention.
Guilt fit to burst out tears .
Gassed for my lack of integrity
I found out how many days my dear mother prayed for me to come out of my coma.
The family started reconciling I was on a life support machine-close to brain damage, paralysed- death would be the prayer for my destiny.
Once again -her rosary beads anointed her
Happy birthday mum, where am I ?-
the aliens bid me farefill after a 5 day probing
An experiment not worthy of their intelligence
It was all for nothing
10 days later I was high on life.
A hug doesn’t help, nor did talking, self-medicating, reaching out to my tribe.
Suicide is not the answer unless you are sure you know why you want to say goodbye.
Do your research & even then you might not die.
Months go by
I’m still here -my body & thoughts to collude with troubles from 3months
Gone by– I thought I had dealt with my trauma by attempting to stage my greater suicide attempt.
Life toys with my perception -some days I laugh – other days I scream at the injustice of the helpful folk who saved my life without my consent
I’m present – I’m still here.
This is my journey. I’m seeking help. I hope to find peace before death shrouds all philosophical thought.
SUICIDE ATTEMPT 25?
I’m still alive
SURPRISE! -no mask
Oh, wait the mirror betrayed me when I stopped seeing myself without a glare.
https://www.samaritans.org/support-us/campaign/world-suicide-prevention-day/http://WORLD SUICIDE PREVENTION DAY
Posted on Sep 8, 2020, in MENTAL HEALTH BLOG, MY WORLD, WRITTEN WORKS and tagged Bipolar disorder, Eating Disorders, Emotions, humanity, Life, mental health awareness, poems, Relationships, STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS WORKS, suicide awareness. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.