Monthly Archives: Sep 2020

Be happy or die trying challenge

Life is tough at the moment for many of us including myself. I have become very unwell and I’ve been knocking on doors for help from the Community Mental health team who have been unhelpful. Tried to throw myself off a bridge on the 23 September. I have and Eating Disorder and because I have put on weight I stabbed my breast and my thighs.  

I have decided that while I’m still living I am going to try and help myself so this what I have done today. I also have a voice and I won’t be ignored.

 

Your actions make a difference. https://10daysofhappiness.org.
 
What act of kindness will you do today? #Happierworld
 
Have started to read Ruby Wax’s ‘Sane New World again
 
 
It is a fascinating book as she goes into great detail about how she found by getting to know the inner self that we need to know how our brain works. She goes into neuroscience and explains all the parts of the brain and what they are responsible for. She also goes into detail about  what is in your mind and how each part works. She also explains the different chemicals in the brain and what purpose they serve.
 
She believes that we can rewire the brain to find  of some medium Happiness.
 
I have also made a start on restarting my WRAP plan -Wellnes Recovery Action Plan
 

The Wellness Recovery Action Plan® or WRAP®, is a self-designed prevention and wellness process that anyone can use to get well, stay well and make their life the way they want it to be. It was developed in 1997 by a group of people who were searching for ways to overcome their own mental health issues and move on to fulfilling their life dreams and goals.  It is now used extensively by people in all kinds of circumstances, and by health care and mental health systems all over the world to address all kinds of physical, mental health and life issues.

You can download the WRAP app for free -IT explains what how WRAP  can help you. You can make your own WRAP plain and email it to yourself.

What it is and https://mentalhealthrecovery.com/wrapapp/

Follow WRAP on Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/WRAPYourWellnessYourWay/

 

An interesting article to read ‘In the worlds ‘Happiest’ countries- the Happiness gap and how it has an effect on your Mental health.

The Nordic countries are meant to be the happiest countries in the world however according to new studies and analysis 12.3 % of the population are still struggling and the article goes in to detail of the the reasons why.

I’ve also started doing the Happify app again. https://www.happify.com/home/

Art helps you recognise your strengths, gives you activies to do help you achieve your goals and it explains the science behind the activities. It has a community forum for support. It gives you daily activities you can do and there are instant games you can play -Guided meditation, Negative Knockout, Acts of kindness. You can keep a track of where you are at and it it activates your Dopamine levels -that are responsible for the reward/pleasure part of your brain & this helps to keep us motivated .

You can find out more about Dopamine at Psychology today https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/dopamine

I’ve also started engaging with the unmasked campaign – it is a leading Suicide prevention charity started in 2019

Unmasked Mental Health provides support to like-minded change seekers in a genuine and personal way. Helping them to feel secure and live life confidently.

Find out more on their website https://unmaskedmentalhealth.co.uk/about-us/

WRAP Training reflection

 

 

Short reflection (First day down) onWRAP( wellness recovery action plan) facilitator training.

A stream of consciousness.

Heart beating, struggling to breathe, it’s my turn next to have a go honing in on my public speaking skills and being a co-facilitator, speaking about one core value and ethic of what the  WRAP self-management program means to me and why.

  • Breathe.

  • Make a few bullet point notes.

  • Listen to what others are saying. Listen……. 

  • Don’t pre-empt what I am going to say while listening to others.

  • Try and understand where that person who is currently in the hot seat, is coming from.

  • We are all nervous – we all have feelings.

  • Oooh, look!  A   squishy, colourful ball to play with,it lights up. I hope there is no one who is sensitive to flashing light in this room. Just Fucking do it. 

  • Remember, my reason for doing what I am doing.

  • This is not about what others think but about how I develop as a person and what it means to me, in my life – there is a bigger picture.

  • Smile.

  • wing it.

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  • Look people in the eyes when  I speak.

  • Acknowledge my nerves if need be.

  •  stick to the topic.

  • Believe in my own worth.

THE PRACTICAL EXERCISE:

Choose one out of the 15, WRAP ETHICS AND VALUES  that form the basis and success of the WRAP  self-management program, get into pairs to practice co-facilitating  (with someone I have never met before). Here is what I chose and what I had to say.

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED – YOU SHOULD BE 😀

 

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HAHA!

 

 

 CHECK OUT THE CORE  VALUES AND ETHICS CHECKLIST THAT MAKE WRAP WHAT IT IS

HERE   ( there are 15)

  Here’s another link if you enjoyed what you read 😀

VALUES AND ETHICS -MENTAL HEALTH RECOVERY

  MY CHOICE :

Difficult feelings and behaviors are seen as normal responses to traumatic circumstances viewed in the context of what is happening, not as symptoms or a diagnosis.

 

What I said: Three minutes starts now: tick tock

 

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MAKES MY OWN TICKER BEAT FASTER

 

 

“Long story short, I grew up in what is commonly referred to in society as a dysfunctional family and upbringing. Grew up around mental illness, addictions/people who used bad coping mechanisms.

I, family members of mine were Stigmatized because of that.

The global / U.K. NHS model for dealing with Mental health is not working.

Change is needed.

Labels and diagnoses should be a guideline -not something that you are stuck with for life.

We all have feelings – not all most feelings are irrational/impulsive.

Society is uncomfortable in dealing with other people’s feelings.

Feelings can’t be reduced to mere symptoms of illness 

We all have Mental health. We all have a mind and a body. 

We are all subject to episodes of good and bad MH on a  sliding scale spectrum.

People with Feelings should be encouraged to share them. 

We are all unique. 

We share many similar qualities and are complex beings.

Our narratives – our personal story.

how we came to be who we are today and who we will become should be determined by being able to express our feelings and thoughts without being labelled in jargony terms ( if we want it that way).

We are human.  Let’s stop hiding it and act like it.

There is no shame in being human and feeling happy/sad/ insert emotion.

I believe, there is this cultural mentality that people with Mental Health “issues”  ( every human being on this planet btw)  who have come out or indeed still continue to suffer in silence are deemed incapable of taking true, positive personal responsibility for our own health in an empowering manner.

I think We are afraid because we have been told we don’t have the mental capacity to manage ourselves in the current medical, prescribed model set- up that we rely on still to this day.

This links into another crucial value and ethic of WRAP  which is  what my co-facilitator will touch upon now”  

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CO -FACILITATOR’S  CHOICE AND TURN IN THE HOT SEAT.

Self-determination, personal responsibility, empowerment, and self-advocacy are key aspects of this program.

How I sum up what my three-minute co-facilitator said, in my own mind, is:

Understanding and wanting to understand how to manage your own issues in new ways – safe ways, different ways requires determination. One-step and that is already a person taking responsibility for their path – their mind /their body. 

The result – I have found, is usually empowering.

I can do this.

Why ?

I have just done it.

WOW! Fucking shit man….. 

Carry on working on ourselves and focusing on what makes us well, unwell, etc…. is a great prescription. Self-advocacy is a prescription a person gives themselves. 

WHY?

Because I know myself better than anyone. I don’t care who believes it or not. 

You know yourself better than any doctor, family member or friend. You live in your head and body.

I am the expert on me and I can be pretty fucking resourceful if I am pointed in the right direction.

That’s it.

I’m Knackered.

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My Bella Bee is back at school.  Missed her first day at  BIG  school. 😦

My GHD’s said a big F U  to me this morning ……

but…..

I did it.

I can’t even focus on the words on my MA in Creative writing on the Open University website that is finally open and we have full access to use.

Finally!

What do I want to write about?

Social issues/ issues that affect us as humans.

I do know that my first Tutor marked assignments  (TMA) is going to be an 18-minute play about a homeless person and how society and the community can succeed in aiding a vulnerable person to help him/herself.

Be kind to yourself.

Be kind and rewind. Remember that one?

 

 

Catch up soon!

Loads of shout outs as promised at the end of the week.

Can’t wait to explore all the new blogs and Bloggers in the Willows and beyond.

Good night!

Daisy ❤ ❤

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Scars -a bloody unwanted reminder

Writing prompt -Scars

One scar I have is huge – it almost wraps all the way around my upper wrist -it is 2-3 cm wide.  Indented, It reminds me of a dried upriver.

The cause?

Domestic violence.

Before I continue…

Domestic abuse & Toxic relationships

Rape -NO means NO.

I’m going to state the obvious here.

Domestic violence is a relationship fucks about with your mental health, whether you love the person or not.

 

Toxic relationships have usually tipped me over into using shitty coping mechanisms like drinking too much, taking drugs, overdosing and not managing my medication or my eating disorder and Bipolar.

So back to the blood river scar.

One night- no

Another night of heavy drinking and arguing, I found me in a house -not mine- that looked like a slaughterhouse. all dirty browns. There was a rusty scent of blood impossible to ignore.

Every time I inhaled, the scent would drip down the back of my throat like a  tap -I could taste it too.

I  had mixed copious amounts of alcohol with my medication and all I remember is trying to push my ex away with my left hand ( I am left-handed), he grabbed my arm and I struggled back.

BLACKOUT

 

 An image.

An arm.

 

 a massive shard of re-enforced window glass- barbered-   poking out of my right arm.

 

Another image.

the back of my exes legs and back running up the stairs.

PANIC 

BLOOD

DRINK

VODKA

WHERE IS THE ORANGE JUICE?

WHERE IS THE GLASS?

WHERE IS MY EX?

BLOOD 

DRIP

BLOOD 

DRIP

BLOOD 

DRIP

BLOOD 

DRIP

PANIC 

PANIC

An arm coated thick with blood. I wear it like an accessory

Blood makes noise.

I hear screaming.

Mine.

Ex reappears and tries to grab me.

I try to run away.

PANIC 

BLOOD

DRIP

I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.

Why is my ex naked? 

In the middle of the street?

Rolling on the floor with me- trying to muffle my screams with his hand. Trying to stop me from running away...

BLOOD

MIND FUCKERY at its best.

“Look what you have done…” ex says.

6 hours later – location:  hospital.

The doctor asks to speak with me in private. My ex doesn’t want to leave my side.

I don’t say anythingquack quack! quack quack! quack quack!   the word on a loop…

 

“What happened?”  he wants to know.

“We don’t know. We were drinking. I can’t remember. It was an accident.” my ex speaks for us.

My head bows down,it almost appears as if I am nodding. I can’t quite remember.

What I do remember feels like I have made it up, it is so detached from my mind and emotions. It is about as close to me as Pluto or Saturn.

3 days in hospital my ex never left my side.

Not even to go home to wash or brush his teeth.

I wasn’t alone- my mother was with us too.

I was high on morphine for the pain.

Why didn’t they operate sooner? 

Did they want to monitor me? 

The situation? 

Us? 

three days later…  I’m being wheeled on the hospital bed- away from the stale, coughing ward…

“countback with me from 10,” says the anaesthetist.

10 , 9 ,8 ……

BLACKOUT

 

“1”. my eyes burst open. I gasp a breath. It is  like I’ve been living in a homemade sac filled with half shallow water and half air.

 Disorientated.

What happened?

I look down at the artwork the surgeon has done.

No more blood.

re-stuffed re-patched, recovered,

by a micro surgical  hand.

Discharged.

Back to the carnival freak show.

I enter his home – a massacre.

Dry blood everywhere.

Smell.

Bleach.

Sound.

Scrubbing brushes.

Stubborn blood. 

If only it could serve as a reminder of what actually happened that night.

“I don’t remember” the ex says.

How can he and I not know?

Every time I look at my scar I am reminded of the chaos that was my life for 4 years.

This scar says –

mutilation.

despair.

secrets.

emotions numbed.

detachment.

silence.

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This scar reminds me to NEVER be silent in the name of so-called love or a sense of loyalty to one who claimed to love me so much he would do anything to keep me.

http://www.vevo.com/watch/suzanne-vega/blood-makes-noise/USIV20300313

When I left him, I did not take his threats seriously.

 What he did next gave serious competition with the scar I see.

That everyone can see.

Toxic relationships result in a severe loss – sometimes that means your life.

Think carefully about what and who your life may include.

I was reborn again on the 06/05/2015.

The day the court ordered social services out of my life.

The day that my ex turned his back on me,  is the day I realised I had been holding my breath for years.

I had forgotten how to breathe.  I might have been dead- a wanderer.

06/05/2015 -I remembered not only how to breathe again but why.

Life -not just my own but that who is of me.

Life is precious

Life is my responsibility

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