If you wanna switch off you could
I threw it away
Not realising I would come to call it my most favoured crown.
Fascinated seeing my self riding waves of the guilt
drowned in salt tears of rumination to the hilt.
letting mom down
all my fam too.
Those who truly love me.
There are but few.
Hot damn! That’s better than cool.
Gave self-destruction a permit to ride out a course of self-flagellation
decorated in sleuth
The truth hit me oops upside of my head
Discombobulated -I saw the truth.
I let myself down
Take me back to my roots.
Be nt over crooked
wrung my hands for people who haven’t left my life
Anticipate gloom & doom.
allow these drum beats to perform
my body afloat
on cloud nine singing cheerfully to the staying alive tune…
Regrettably, I’m responsible for this present predicament.
There goes a fully armed disorderly platoon.
folded like that grieving widow.
She had a reason
I still have an abode
I’m not a widow.
I’m down on my knees & up off them almost like it didn’t happen
Stood defiant still feeding an outdated superstition
of other motives
This is my prison.
Trust in people
Risk my heart
Yes, It didn’t go my way
This was a time to not fall apart.
A glimmer of hope I’ll grow strong
Make mirth and merriment
not misery & disappointment.
I have only one person to blame.
I disappoint myself over and over again
then Surprise myself by what achievements I continue to create.
How am I to play this next move?
escape to another alternative reality – never to bloom!
Or talk about my feelings -is anyone listening?
Cos they have, what is the problem, strewth?
facing all that ‘I feel fat’ STUFF
Makes me wanna holler hey you, cat, scat!
Look me in the mirror & be proud
of my deeds for seven consecutive weeks.
Nor ask my loves to keep turning another cheek.
I am to blame.
I have to fight
My mother is alright. I mean my mother is right.
This half-hearted escape acts
attempts on my life.
attempts to self-harm
They come & they go.
If I can keep this train of thought
the cravings of self-hate might go
Perhaps I will still hold on to some of my dignity
or become a statistic…
We all end up a statistic one way or another
What statistic do I want to come under?
Now there’s a question to ponder over.
Posted on 2020-01-08, in MUSIC BLOG, poetry and tagged Eating Disorders, Emotions, Fears, guilt, Love, music videos, poetry, Reflection, self expression, self image, Stream of consciousness. Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off on If you wanna switch off you could.