Thoughts about Suicide
A follow up to NEMBUTAL.
The man on the right loves me inside & out. My Boo . He has seen me in the best positions 😀 and seen me in positions that would make a man shake the rice out of his shoes quicker than a man walking on hot coals. He ain’t perfect.
He shows me my flaws & I struggle to accept them. I push him away not because I don’t love him.
I don’t/ refuse to understand how someone can love every part of me especially as I’ve got older and had darker moments than good moments of late.
How dare he love parts of me I’ve yet to love? Mentality 😂
He has brought out parts of me I didn’t know I have. I’m funny and smart and when.
I’m confident – there aren’t many people who can knock me down in a debate. I will state that I’m always willing to listen to other peoples opinions within reason.
I didn’t want to put this pic up on social media because of the way I feel.
The man on the right ( my husband) is justified to have more reasons to hate me than anyone I can think of. He puts up with a lot. He is not perfect. I’ll save that for another day.
I read something a person wrote about not wanting to fall in love but rather to grow in love with someone.
He is my best friend & hears me talk about whatever is on my mind. Even if he is breaking inside by my spoken thoughts and candour. I push him away & I’m learning not to.
Hope can be a tiny thought of ‘maybe.. Maybe I can be something more than what I feel right now. ‘ with hope comes the possibility of re-discovering one’s purpose.
I am that lady who fought death in the face multiple times. One example when I had a BMI of 14 & raised £ 100 for a small cancer charity shop in the retreat, in York ( in a mental hospital) in 5 days because I found another purpose.
To help others.
I won’t rule out looking at killing myself as an option.
I will be true to my character and rationalise as best as I can the pros plans cons of living life with my head until I can’t bear it any longer.
I think this line from fear & loathing sums up my over-analytical character. It’s genuinely hilarious.
There’s a big … machine in the sky, ….some kind of electric snake…. coming straight at us.”
” Shoot it”, said my attorney.
“Not yet, ” I said. “I want to study it’s habits”
I’m loving reading ‘Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas’.
Yes, it’s about the crumbling American dream & people becoming conscious about that reality.
It’s also an interesting paradigm & insight into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Write to recover or try living another day looking for meaning even if you can only see that hope in the eyes of another.