The suicidal coward.

I’m feeling suicidal

I can’t deny the concoction of escapism acts help keep me in denial.

Too many people looking out for me

I haven’t  had enough time  or privacy to actively find a sure way to make sure I’m undisturbed  absolute in my effort to be free

My daughter deserves better

I can’t connect with her

I’m not blaming anyone else for my failure to join the dots.

A girl succeeded in jumping off suicide bridge in 2019

I wonder if this morning will have an impact on my odds of survival – washed up in the river. The law doesn’t get I don’t want to be saved.

My calculations are all wrong.

 

I’m not doing this because of an income

9 months later after an ESA inquest assessment

And I’m safe till 2022

thanks for letting me know

Government Orange agent.

 

It doesn’t make me  happy to know that I don’t have to show up & prove I’m ill

Everyone else has a hard time at proving they are  beyond  over the mental /psychical capacity hill

They are sick

Why can’t  I CAN’T KEEP MY MIND STILL?

The odds of taking an overdose tonight getting it right are slim.

 

I need to run a warm bath and make sure I hit an artery

let the blood bad

bad blood leave me

Circulate not from within

I should have this right.

I’m in support of the assisted dying law for those whose  aguish is terminal

a mental psyche destroyed with life’s poison.

 

I still haven’t eaten.

This isn’t poetry

I’m borderline convinced I’ve lost the plot. I  told too many people my plans & now I’m living with the consequences.

Keep my daughter safe from me

She deserves to better. I m certain that better is far away from a mind convoluted by past & insight into the mother I am not.

About Daisy Willows

'Words are my everything' - Jon Wayne . A writer of poetry, stories, stage scripts, fiction, border line poetry & freestyle works, Music reviews, Guest Features/interview & shout outs. She is also passionate about raising anti-stigma & awareness for Mental Health. A trained co-facilitator in Wellness Recovery Action plan by Mary Ellen Copeland Natasha goes by many moniker names-Daisy Willows, bahtuhkid, GOAT2Bdazee. She has had a colourful life. Travelled. Natasha co-owns a second-hand clothing & accessories business -La Bella Bijoux Ltd Natasha was born in South Africa & is a French national. She currently resides in the UK Natasha Bodley holds a postgraduate in the Humanities. A BA in Myth in the Greek and Roman worlds & Advanced creative writing. She also holds a Foundation degree in Acting performance. She is currently working on her first novel (semi-autobiographical creative non-fiction). She has published one short story on Amazon called 'Number one' Connect with Natasha Collaborate with Natasha & feel free to Communicate her too. Light, Peace & Love!

Posted on 2019-08-07, in THIS IS LIFE and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Hi Daisy, seems something unpleasant going around you for some months…and feel bad that I can’t help you other than offering a few senseless words here. I wish you find the inner peace soon..

    Liked by 1 person

    • goat2bdazee

      Akhila, thank you for your good wishes. I know I’m the only one who can change. Writing & being creative is a great outlet. I feel terrible for not being able to read /follow blogs like I used to. Blogging /writing “saved” my life and I found a purpose that led me to believe I could study & better myself in ways I never foresaw. And I lost focus. Inner peace is true wealth. xx I don’t give up easily xx Life will get better xx

      Like

  2. I’m sorry you are in such a dark place right now. I wish I had a magic combination of words that would make it better, make the pain ebb, bring you ease. The only thing I know is that you are valued and deserve help. Please, reach out if you think you’re in danger.

    Liked by 1 person

    • goat2bdazee

      Thank you, Em. I have reached out. And still here. I needed to write something to make sense of my jumbled thoughts- xxx. No magic wands are there? lol

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Pingback: Thoughts about life and choice – Daisy in the willows

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