(written in 1st & 3rd person in quotes tbr)
She didn’t know why she felt the need to document her suicide attempt, and post suicide. She says that she genuinely wanted to die. She spent many months angry at her mother, angry and displaced because the doctors told her mother to expect the worst. She had been in ICU for over 8 hours. Her suicide was was not an attempt to hurt anybody especially not her daughter.
She felt it was best for everyone & she couldn’t live with her self & her illnesses any longer. She was in the system of benefits. She had received a PIP claim form to prove she needed some form of income to live on, her daughter’s child tax credits were stopped on Christmas eve 2017. Her mariage had broken down due to erratic behaviour and actions & life stress.
She had to give the go-ahead to the doctor to snow her Aunt with Morphine. She sang to her aunt until the death rattle passed. She watched her grandmother die from vascular Dementia & Alzheimers (over a period of 3 days). She watched her own mother look after her mother until she passed away on Mothers day 2017.
Her wedding day was mixed with joy, stress, emotions & her Anorexia/Bipolar started to manifest in not eating/drinking fluids to make up the 4 hours of the gym she did for 4 years 4 hours every day. She had a cracking body but at what cost? She holds on to too much guilt -not all her own to own.
She hopes to edit.make cuts of all the footage in a documentary( the good, the bad, the ugly). Why? To help her understand herself.
“When I’m on self destruct I am good at trying to kill myself/allow people to abuse me & lose my way. Albeit slowly through starving myself & ending up in multiple hospitals with Braccardyia and failing organs. ”
She recalls unsuccessfully trying to throw herself off a bridge.
“The police grabbed me as I put out her arms and feet out to jump. ”
The previous night, she had taken an overdose worthy of being at the very least hospitalised however she woke up shocked – alive & devasted.
“Whatever I put my mind to I am a person who ( surprisingly) and through sheer stubbornness who succeeds to my detriment or wellbeing.”
Last year, her psychiatrist of 10 years was moments awayy from sectioning her again. He knows her well. She is usually able to reason & is too honest for her own good at times.
“I was hypomanic and through misusing medication I went into drug-induced psychosis. I didn’t hear things or see things. I had to comply with fortnightly injections. I didn’t want my daughter to think I didn’t love her so that is why I filmed my attempt. I saw no bright light, I heard no ambulance, I don’t recall anything except my disappointment at still being alive.”
“I work on my self every day to love myself.
Acknowledging she doesn’t get it right all the time. These videos are not edited nor are they in order. It’s one of her multiple ongoing projects.
“I hope to tie this in with the hard work I did on myself by getting out into the world, volunteering with Mental health charities, writing, getting involved in the creative industry and I realised how much I had to give through experience. I wasn’t stupid. I have qualities people in the mental health & Creative arts sector look for.”
Her mental health deteriorated again. She has been well & she believes she will get well again.
” There are no limits to recovery from an illness. No, they might be terminal or chronic and never go away. We may know we will die from say Cancer. It’s about the quality of life we live while we are still here. I’d rather die at 60 & have done the things I want to than live to an age of 80 -lonely, old, neglected & liability to society.”