Thoughts about my daddy issues

Happy fathers day. Sorry, I don’t have any shame for wearing my on my sleeve)for the 2 or 3 years of you blocking me, Dad. (I guess it what some would call gumption).
Dissing me, ignoring me.

Yes, I called you a ‘spineless bastard’ cos sometimes you’re just too laid back & let two women rule you. I’m not what you think of me cos every year I’m. going to wish you Happy father’s day./Birthday etc..

You can justify why you don’t speak to me or say I’m a bad egg. I say: Life is short. I didn’t even get to speak with u about when Grandpa B passed away. I just wanted to give you support. As a daughter. Pay my respects but I did it in my own way. I was there for my Nan. I know its hard building on a natural bond( after deciding to forget about me & Lou & moving on to find some happiness in your life). That probably kept you sane
.
but I’ve chased you more than any man I’ve ever known. All I wanted was a tiny piece of you & insight into who you are.

Anyway, look after your health, be happy, I did ask for money to help with the rent & was down the rabbit hole in 2017. I just couldn’t believe you would think that me and Bee being homeless was an option cos that was where I was headed if I didn’t think creatively. If that is tough love-its brutal & well… I don’t know who you are. Sometimes I think you have died. I shake my thought away & hope I get to see you one last time before you go your way, & I go mine.
Forget the money. I was more interested in your poetry, your acting the character Othello & I wanted to see a bit more of the Dad I started to get to know in 2004.

Yeah, I got ill & I’m obviously not what you expect from a daughter. It’s cool. I’m 38 this year & I’m more curious than angry.

I expect this just reaffirms r that I’ve got more love, curiosity, and respect for you. Okay, a spineless amoeba bastard is a bit low, I was on my ass -my fault or not) Blood in, Blood out, yeah?
You probably won’t see or read this but for what it’s worth, you can’t stop me from doing what I am right and performing my (in so far as I CAN) duty towards you, as your, eldest daughter.

Nah, I don’t give a shit about money & inheritance.  Listen to Alan Watt’s ‘What do you desire?’

Trust me I’ve never fallen for a man for his kerching. Except one but I was not in love and well… I didn’t get to the 5*** hotel in Mexico cos I couldn’t bear sleeping in the same bed as someone I had no chemistry with. TMI?

I heard from a source that this is one of the songs that you used to play on the guitar. I read the love poems when you dated my Mom -way back. Romance isn’t dead it just grew up. Take it easy, Pops.

If this is hanging my “dirty ” laundry’ out then I will say that this a fresh lot of laundry, just out the machine. It smells of. Jasmine & posies. It’s clean.
And me? I’m only a rag n bone hope sapien like the rest of us. I do what I do to get by. Enjoy your day & if it isn’t Father’s day in South Africa (it is here in your Yorkshire).
I can still see the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh & I can hear your laugh in my inner ear (or mind).
HAPPY FATHERS DAY!
I wish I could give you a hug cos I know how close you were to your Dad. And the loss is hard. You have support ( and I will be thinking of you). I still remember how you broke down great Grandad fell ill when I was 12 or summit. I hugged you. And you let me hug you. It made me cry. These are my words.

 

Posted on 2019-06-16, in MUSIC BLOG and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.

  1. Your honesty is heartfelt and really speaking from your heart.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I really liked this; raw, heartfelt, and honest.

    Liked by 1 person

    • goat2bdazee

      THANKS.I try to see his side and well.. think he should defo man up ha ha! I’m always chasing but I don’t want to have regrets about being resentful or angry cos one day my Dad won’t be on this planet and you know he has flaws and He tried but couldn’t stsy the istance. And that is cool. I can count the times I’ve asked my Dad to help me out and luckily I have had help from other people or figured it out .So THANK YOU for reading. It sucks cos idk he wants he easy life . MEH! Whatever xx

      Liked by 1 person

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