Thoughts about post suicide

Be a bare foot bear in mind, body and spirit.

Daisy

LIFE UPDATE

There has been so much going on-trying to write consistently and coherently has and is still a struggle.

I did a major overdose in March 2018 (yes, stupid and I didn’t want to come out of it)-the gory details are :

I could have died and came close to it.

I went through the whole anger and retaliation at the world stampede.

I’m still struggling to cope with EVERYTHING

Yet I’m still here coping with EVERY THING.

I feel like a machine at times — loathe the mundane, monotony  of everyday living.

The enormous amount of stress that we all experience.

I hate this feeling but at the same time I feel the need for routine.

It’s easy to fall into bad  habits. I seem to get into toxic cycles a  lot. I get out of them too.

Oh my hat! After complaining (to whoever would listen)about never getting out open mic gigs; I finally got to  do another open mic night-I got my wish.

It can be an intimidating scene. Pretentious even. I hate the drama and Ego ism that comes with any thing to do with being creative. Best piece of advice I can offer is:

Don’t be like me and think double whiskies are going to make you awesome.

We already are… unless you have complex issues about yourself. Your life, your goals  , etc..

Like me!

So, I did the  open mic 4 minute slot.  😀 I don’t have a problem performing. Of course ,I worry about how I come across, want people to connect and genuinely clap or show interest cos something sets off a spark.

I got caught up in my head. Yesterday, I was on the phone to my mom about it, and I tried to explain the complete sense of emptiness and loss I feel about my eating disorder.

Nobody seems to really get it. And its unfair to expect them to.

It won’t give up on me but I have people who think I’m cool for being me. That is important.

It’s messed up how we can sometimes let our demons wreak havoc and have a full on hour fest with our emotions.

Disconnecting is  defunct for me.

Its standard to my character and way of dealing with life

Connecting is harder and typing about this may seem fucking boring but it seems necessary.

It’s not meant to be a profound post. WOW!  I know how to beat myself up. Don’t you feel we do that far too much? We are. Hard mofo’s on ourselves.

DO you ever feel like guilt will cause you eternal harrowing sorrow?

It will haunt your every moment. Sneak up on every smile.

I want to be loved and want to figure out what I want.

So this is what I have become Doubtful yet I am still full of gumption.

God, I can be so self absorbed.

Suicide is a huge global problem and it’s getting worse.

Check out lil Donald’s positive message about the  suicide endemic .

Get help and speak out.

I’m glad I’m alive. Christ, it’s a hard struggle. An onward battle. There are precious ,sweet moments that make it worth it.

I’m so glad be alive. Yes, I’m repeating that.

The anger has passed as do all things.

Suicide is not the answer. Its final — we don’t know what is on the other side.

What if on the other side we are trapped on one side of a mirror-only able to feel the cold and watch the world without being able to make contact again….

We all need time away from the mundane, from ourselves.

We all have vices ands poisons. Its easy to judge a person by what they use to cope. We walk with the feet that we are born with.

Sometimes we don’t have shoes to wear. It’s often the time we feel most free.  That first contact with bare feet and grass or beach sand is the most grounding and exhilarating feeling a person can experience.

Be a bare foot bear in mind, body and spirit.

Posted on 2019-03-02, in MY BRAIN -MY THOUGHTS and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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