Monthly Archives: Apr 2018

Why are you watching this?

The ugly truth about why i haven’t been able to write.

Things became too much for me. All of it and  life, I took a huge overdose and I ended up waking upon a hospital.I became hopeless.

I feel so estranged from life. I am closer to my daughter more than I ever thought possible. Here is me looking glamorous and 1 step away from a hospital bed.

self medicating turned me into going into drug/ medication induced psychosis.

Writing is getting easier. I know that I will not quit my final year of my masters. I am rebuilding our lives and I’m relieved that I threw my ex husband/partner out the house. I don’t care how hard things get- once I lose respect for a person or they don’t walk the talk -my patience runs thin.

I’m focusing on getting back to blogging, my Masters. Writing and getting these feature music artist posts in publish mode.

My daughter was with my Ma when I took the overdose and so in honor of Paul  all those who suffer in silence or are misunderstood to remember that we are all awesome. Some more than others…….

only joking.

There are more videos i took. I think I thought if something good can come out of watching blood pour out my nose and looking and acting not like my usual self.

I’m still adjusting to the fact i’m alive. I’m happy to be with my daughter. Yes, call me what you want.

I’m merely human – no unicorns to be found here.  I’m just doing what I need to to get by.

These are my words 😉

 

 

 

 

 

Do or Dye

Sitting on the roof top trying to tell myself I’ve not misbehaved.

Blush rose hues creep up my cheeks and I know my hearts desire is unexplained.

I look at the stars — one always stands out brighter than the rest.

I say to myself — there goes my next conquest.

With liberal wings and green peace in my heart ,

I know for the sake of inhabiting my skin-unconfortable feelings will always play a part.

Forgive me for  being free spirited and seeking out a bon ami.

If I had testicles would  my new gender let me walk free ?

to be me?

It’s a plea.

I love what I desire .

I desire what I love .

I hate it when my sanity decides to imitate a neat whisky on the rocks.

Truth be told – I know I’m getting old .

Disambiguous feelings about the path I tread.

May my daughter’s laugh always bring me round to the sound of present day clocks.

Murmurs of hesitation .

Live my life, have a voice, and sail away

Where else do you think I would choose for a holiday destination?

The one I never have to come back from.

It’s me inside me.

Dare to take a part of me — feel my anticipation.

The specials-the after math.

Told  off for  my impulsive reaction.

The fact I’m conscious I am typing these words-

I feel inauthentic in how they roll out my mind with a hesitant tense formation

Words rise up ,around me – Jab me and a jeer me to dare say whats on my mind.

I’m not a child and I’m not venerable just yet .

So I swim against the tide of the alphabet soup.

Clarity I seek.

One tidal wave from forcing myself to write these words down;

If only to reinforce I have my own sound.

Sound as a pound

Scared of clowns .

That’s better-Socs — that’s my deal.

My contraband.

How I get from a-z- without reaching out for the  plan involving illegally, prescribed Ativan.

Banned from my perception of the elite.

Breached my licence to complete…

Should I hit delete?

This is my beat.

I won’t let me beat me down.

Self is the worst enemy-you know how it ages your reflection

scowling in a frown.

She’s back in business now . Wah da da da da — the song clearly has relevance in my sense of decline.

Fall 8 times — get up again.

Who am I to want merely blend in?

I was born to be a Bengal feline.

Character building — life coach ,I sense my patience won’t let me vote for your reality T.V. yoke.

It makes me sick.

Confession .

Watch one episode and I will mutate into just one more cockroach.

I’m on the down line with a mean upper hook.

Priorities in order.

House work infected by the pox — aren’t you glad you vaccinated your park life children?

Let my demon free to infiltrate the anti’s, confront them with the disease bitten book.

Have a say — what’s the worst that can happen?

Speak your mind — illegal aliens might just descend from that planet called Saturn.

Write to recover. Write to escape.

Shake up your mind , dare to continue —an inner ongoing live debate.

Not for hate — you make your own fate.

Feeling Anxiety. Too worried about what John Sax’s might reveal to his munchie  queen.

Know thyself and be true to yourself.

I’m not going to change my character to fit in with society’s latest heart melt.

Superstitious mind – I earned it in walking my path — did you see my black belt?

Stand up for who you are and what you believe in.

Some may consider me strange but have you had a look at your inner heathen?

The entity is back — no wheel-dealing with a bad batch of sugar coated crack.

6 million ways to die — choose one 

That came from a song – Who am I to sit around and hide?

 * DEADLINE  for EMA  Sunday night.  *

 

The song -contains  some cussing and may offend feminists …..  😉 Maybe not this song 😀  Idk.

The get by

Writing to get by

It’s that or sudden death – I merely exist or throw myself off gullibles bridge.

Splat –

Acme would own up to my incredible fuck ups blowing out trails of smoke.

Enticing my inner bloke to forget about the matriarchy and live off some clean toke.

It’s not important what we type or write about.

It’s survival for me that I spit these words out.

I can’t rap – Maybe one day – I’ll be in a head space

you know me meeting up where its at.

Until then I”ll write to recover,

Remind at least one other –

Yes we have to live in order to die

Die in order to live

Our mistakes

Our successes

are us merely being human.

Master piece this is not.

Usually

my stream of consciousness shakes up a nest of serene syndromes.

It’s all making sense – typing ,doing what I know instilled in me.

A teeny bit of common sense

We have it rough

we have it smooth.