Monthly Archives: Dec 2017

Just a piece of paper heart

*Something I wrote in November 2017 whilst listening to Red Hot Chilli Peppers ‘Give it away’*

 

Throw it away.

Throw it away .

Throw it away now.

 

It’s only a  a paper contract wasted on keeping real life from plugging in.

 

Throw it away.

throw it away.

Throw it away now.

 

What does it matter ,that you will know the out come only appears exactly the same?

 

Throw it away.

Throw it away now.

Throw it away now.

 

Is it ever worth the chase , crave, the chaos , the complications ?

Devastating collision.

 

The battle to assert who has control of the seventh wave.

The seventh.

not you or I

We  came and went.

No compromise .

No middle ground.

One bold walk on that white painted line

brainnav reroutes another path for those falling leaves

Seeking clarity in sage.

 

Do it away.

Do it away

Do it away now.

 

What is there to gain?

debts outstanding

Lives to follow.

Loves to give……

cheese and bread binges coated in butter-

Enough to give the heart a clamorous pounding.

 

Sharks circle —

its pay back time

merely out of interest-

The swell of denial is as shallow as it’s melancholic moan.

 

Cycling up a cyclic cloud

dense ,

depressive

manic mountain

— legless

Armless.

Voiceless to the doubt dubbing over the output time

  chants of Russian bass  erupt from within.

 

My belle — my vie

-La vie est belle avec une sourire

Call me —

no cellphones needed,

pagers

No technology.

Its embedded in our skin.

 

It hovers closely watching my flip switch-

the place I access when I’m doused in self loathing

Ignite the flaming fear of

The who is this person ?

The guilt of having done nothing…

….except find a way to appease unbearable backdraft

One will shatter

the reflection

I know is waiting to conscript  me into progressive lands

For being a  mortal being.

Love

— daughter lights candles to make her seem truly present

A shadow I wish to always welcome in my darkness

Her light  dances carefree abandonment.

Brighter than —

my lowest deeds — time I have not

To go through each error I have made  chewing off  another biro pen.

Smother me from far

With promises of intoxication.

Forget the food inhaled. Overloaded on  negative exposure.

Compromise my self and I lose all that I stand for?

 

I am .

I am not a line or a verse of what I pay for.

I a m self defined.

Believe in these words, little girl

 

Don’t just type — connect  the mind

Believe  life will shine again.

Rain will fall, snow will stick, sun will seek out  all your usual hiding places.

The clouds  create a dullness to reflect what I should be working on

My own grey matter.

 

The longer I let you find a space in my home

the harder it is to part with you and throw you out-

 

Get it out.

Get it out.

Get it out now.

All I have to do is

 

Shout

Shout

Shout it all out.

 

Don’t tempt me, little bruiser.

I’m ready to flush you out.

Thoughts about Human rights

If you believe in justice,  a fair government,  equality and you have ever enjoyed my posts on here.

PLEASE -read this

Hope. you all had a great Christmas. This may explain (in part) why I haven’t had the time to read as many blogs as I usually do.

T

The saying a picture tells a thousand words doesn’t seem to tell the true story about what is going on beyond one captured picture.

It doesn’t convey domestic abuse, self-harm or the self-harm witnessed, a mother’s mental health on the brink of being sectioned – trying maintain ‘the perfect mother’ image – she has portrayed for 6 years.

FYI there are no perfect mothers.

It doesn’t show a woman doing everything in her power to piece together her life, protect her child from harm, it doesn’t show THIS WOMAN asking her own mother to look after her child for 4 weeks, because this mother knew her mental health was declining.

This picture doesn’t show the abuse and social media troll comments she endured trying to fix up her home, trashed by her ex-husband.

It doesn’t show a mother trying to finish her final year of her Masters in Creative writing with the Open University.

It doesn’t portray an image of a person trying to prove to her community that she is still in the right frame of mind to volunteer and set up a workshop with a Mental health charity (in her community).

It doesn’t show how she self-medicated and thought about disappearing. It doesn’t show how she sought out help and signposted herself to every place she could find to help her and her child.

It doesn’t show how she looked to a mental health charity she had previously volunteered with to ask about advice regarding the government (without warning) stopping her child tax credits.

It doesn’t show this woman going to a food bank and having to decline most of the canned goods because her daughter is a fussy eater and this woman has a diagnosed illness of chronic anorexia, and bipolar

It doesn’t show the pain and betrayal this woman felt when her colleague from the mental health charity alerted social services. There was no mention of her concern for this woman’s child in the conversations they had.

This picture doesn’t show the raging, passionate, warrior fight mode of a woman who fought for her rights.

It doesn’t show a person who is resourceful, emphatic, honest, heartbroken, human, sensitive, passionate and willful.

It doesn’t show a woman who has a habit of choosing partners who rely on her finances (benefits, tuition loans, credit cards) to keep the family afloat.

It does show a mother who loves her child. It shows a beautiful warm home – it shows a person who has no issues, is well off and looks like either she married a wealthy partner or she is a lady boss.

It doesn’t hint at poverty.

It doesn’t show her state of mind.

It doesn’t show her anxieties.

It doesn’t show how deep she has had to “dig” to make sure her daughter has a Christmas that our society brainwashes us into getting into debt for.

It doesn’t show a mother and person who will fight for injustice, exploitation and for  the rights of all human beings being treated without discrimination. It doesn’t show a woman who has travelled the world and who lives in a small village/town in West Yorkshire ready to take on anybody/any organisation that ignites her passion for all issues related to humanity.

 

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EATING DISORDERS- recovery and support

Daisy in the willows

UPDATE 2017:   I was led down the a rabbit hole.   Lack of communication, how to’s and (on reflection) there was pressure one to do all the ground work and I was left guessing. I did know that the person I was matched with to discuss putting the group together has had eating issues.  I can’t say if this person is an actual employee or or another volunteer  of the charity I mention in the post. I would be breaching data protection, my subscribers on here are not from the Calderdale Region and will not know who I am speaking of. The group didn’t happen despite my efforts to push for it, ask for help on how to fund it. I have been in many various eating disorder clinics for lengthy periods (in my life) I’ve come back into my community with no expert advice for people with eating…

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