loop of mankind
When I think of the word History, I think – ha ha!
I think of all my experiences.
I think of all the times I never listened to others, all the adventures -risky and dangerous -that I took myself on.
I think about where I am today – or rather how I think about my personal history.
I find it useless to blame my parents or ex-partners or people who abused me at whatever age- not because I don’t think they had an impact on some of the decisions I made in life.
Some people were held accountable either by the law or good old karma and others went and still continue to go through their own life shit.
I can’t do anything to change my history. I can’t make a person talk me ( I can try to and have done) or love me or want to know more about me.
I find the more I rag at my past or people in my past – the less productive I am in my present life.
When I come to terms with say, a childhood experience or heartbreak/betrayal and I decide to forgive (not forget);
I’ve seen how this conscious act to look ahead instead of looking backward has helped me deal with my past, in unexpected ways.
Classic example: I was very hurt about the relationship I had with my Dad for many years and then, when I decided to focus on how I could try and move our relationship forward, Life found a way for us to have some kind of relationship.
He lives in Africa. I’m in the U.K. and I really love those silly IQ tests /knowledge tests on Facebook and so does my Dad!
It’s our time together. It’s a way I have found to get to know my dad, have a laugh, feel connected to him and it’s helped me see my Dad as a human.
I have been able to talk with him on skype and let him see who I really am- Who I have grown up to be. I’ve had the uncomfortable ‘I don’t know what to say’ and worked through it.
This is just one example.
I think if I had carried on being on the offensive – not being contact with him and thinking and feeling whatever it was I did, I don’t think I would have some part of my Dad in my life today.
Should he have reached out? I’m not even going there.
The point is I know how to reach out to people, I know I’m in control of me.
I don’t always get it right.
When I think of certain people and situations I’ve caused or found myself in- I can be confrontational and maybe those people aren’t ready or in a place to be a part of my life in a way, I want them to be.
It’s hard for me to accept other people’s choices.
I don’t give in.
The people I make time and effort for in the past or now- I do genuinely care about these people.
Eventually, I have to respect that not everyone wants me around or likeS me or …..who knows what they think!
So, I have to suck it up – cry, refocus my energy and live my Life.
I don’t forget these people.
I often want these people to succeed even the people who made life hell for me.
The people who tried to bring me down – one example,
At my hen do. I was looking good, my mental state was great and I felt good about me and I had an energy around me. I invited a bunch of friends out and one of the girls who I met through a relative – made the remark
” You’ve put on weight haven’t you”
My mates were horrified knowing how far I’ve come with my issues.
It took a couple days for my rage to kick in. I had it out with her and then I decided this girl has a LOT of her own issues.
Her life hasn’t been easy and isn’t and I’m not going to fall for it.
So even today, I big this person up. I encourage her to achieve dreams. I’m not best mates with her!
Fuck, I’m not stupid. ha ha!
I need positive people around me.
I just realized that she saw something in me that maybe she didn’t have and it’s easier to try and bring a person down than be happy for someone.
Not everyone is on the same level of thinking you and I are on.
We all have a narrative, a past, a history. We deal with ourselves 24 hours a day.
Sometimes we try to escape from ourselves,
We drug ourselves to get away from ourselves.
Be it with sugar, food, cigs, weed, prescription meds, alcohol, crack, spice, legal highs, extreme sports, sex, porn, money.
I’m glad I’ve had people run me down in life.
I’m not ecstatic about it but I can see the benefits of it – looking baaa ack over my shoulder…. ( like the song)
I am a person who is genuine, I have empathy, I filter my judgments, I forgive, I set boundaries, I reset boundaries.
I know what I believe in- what I am passionate about.
People do still challenge me.
I’m an observer and I ‘ve learned how to respond to certain types of people. Some people need to be spoken to how they speak to others.
If someone doesn’t get me -I’ve learned there are many who will and do.
I just put myself out on a limb and it feels like torture but I hang in there -until I’m just about to give up, then somebody or something comes into my life and reaffirms what I believe in.
I’m not saying my beliefs and values and the way I live are right for everyone but they are right for me.
I know what I need to work on and I do ask for help.
January is coming to a close –
no more Just January Jots.
I’ve enjoyed the word prompts. I never know what will come out of my head.
It’s sunny and I have lots of work to do and I’m feeling optimistic, scared and determined.
Thanks for reading