Stream of consciousness

When someone has said to her:

 oh, you’re pretty.

She always gets mad and ditzy and insulted.

Is that all , pretty?

 not beautiful, funny, smart, intelligent, dramatic?

Pretty crazy…

that fuels her embers –

I’ll show you pretty. 

Pretty demeaning is how I  would describe her state of mind.

She’s come to that crossroad: hit a right for success or hit a left for back to her ‘usual isle of distress’.

She’s always had this pretty dark quirk in her nature- a dent.

No!

 More like her nature took a key to her brain – triggered it, in the same way, a malicious person keys a person with a fine automobile or new car.

That is what she does to her mind. It’s almost like there is another- living inside her. She’s not pretty.

She is ugly.

She says ugly things.

She makes people cry.

She pushes people away.

She isolates herself.

She knows it will end up wrapped up in stained sheets of her own self-pity cries.

Ones she pushed for – ones she earned.

She never liked herself – wouldn’t have her own picture taken for a long time. In hatred, she tore up all pictures of herself,

then sometime in her life she grew confident and started taking lots of pictures of herself -too many.

Maybe she was beautiful stunning,   pretty even?

  Was it worth the self-damnation she put herself through to achieve a look she deemed is acceptable?

Many people have asked her what it feels like to be so intelligent and aware of her issues- to have so much insight and phycology into her own problems.

Is it a blessing or a curse?

Let’s try something.

Think of a person coming to her house with a bottle of wine/ cocaine /pills/ bondage-style stuff/ comic books – insert vice/ fetish /escapism tool  ………..here.

Let’s make this person -super – pervy -sleazy -gender? unknown.

PERVY PERSON: So, like, hey why the long face? (a stream of consciousness brain has become lame)  You, uh … wanna get wasted?

She does get caught off guard sometimes not always.

The truth is these days her reply is mostly,

No.

Why?

She’s a stubborn mare.

Truth?

She knows the consequences.

She knows the problem is burrowed deep within her – nothing but he can make it stop.

Pretty lame?

or,

Pretty courageous?

Either way, she has to live with herself.

So, she gets the whole escapism psychology.

She has taken countless overdoses, countless drugs, been in various institutions – locked up for being herself -criminal or “just” insane.

It doesn’t work.

Why does she push people away?

Why?

She knows about her upbringing and she can’t blame them or that or it.

Or the others- this is not a horror movie!

It’s her life.

Yeah, agreed. Pretty horrific.

She is an adult- with her own mind and life and responsibilities.

Her pretty demented reasoning is: eventually –   she will hurt those she loves and she would rather things got horribly ugly-

sooner rather later.

She doesn’t want to draw it out.

Oh, darling, Don’t let her fool you. She loves acting!

She can do one hell of a supernova act if she wants but she isn’t malicious – something inside her is disturbed.

It may have come with her when she got delivered on a wonky legged stork,

or,

she may have seen something that petrified her into this state of self-destruction.

She loves to sing twinkle twinkle little star to her only child.

Stars are huge.

She knows why people always say before they die or, to someone who has recently  lost someone

There is the person you love – twinkling above – looking out for you. 

Stars have a lifespan of billions of years. It’s pretty amazing to think she quite possibly looked at the very same stars that her great grandparents or ancestors looked at many moons ago.

( singing) When you wish upon a star…. know that once she did so same from afar.

Ha – pretty lame as it gets.

Ever thought what it would be like to have a child /ren who are Siamese twins?

Say you could only possibly save one.

One was seen as truly wicked and the other?

Well, the other one could go on to make his/her mark in the world.

 Maybe not with a fancy career but merely by being human.

 Reaching out to people in need.

It can make a difference!

 Sometimes more than all the money in the world could.

Just knowing someone cares. What does she  know?

I digress, – -in a pretty way – haha.

Think of yourself as a mother -as a person with some kind of intellect.

You would reason that no person is born inherently evil or absolutely good.

There are many sides to a person.

 Inside her is her very own Siamese twin.

She has to put one down.

 Murder it!

At that moment, that pretty wicked one has a grip on her heart and her mind – it’s all so terribly confusing and frustrating

So, she has to make a decision.

 Invasive surgery for, no – on her Siamese twins, in the hope, that the one with the potential to twinkle can be reborn.

Goodby, Red dwarf. Be angry.

Goodby, white dwarf -cool down.

And finally, ciao , Black dwarf –   your true composite make up is on a show for all to see.

Your heart is blackened –  not because you are evil.

It’s just the nature of how life (and those who energize and roam it)  goes.