Automatic
Longer post than usual
A song to get you through it. 😀
Where do I begin?
Right here, I suppose….
I never want to share my darkness with the blogging community. Well, what I mean is – I try to objectify my emotions when I write.
Turn it into ART!
Sometimes being creative just means no great ART display or flow of words but creativity means getting whatever is in my head and out of it.
I want to be heard. I am not invincible.
There is part of me that wishes I had one of those wind-up devices in me that didn’t just make me move, but makes me feel- the opposite to what I feel now .
That is not how this Blog began.
It began as a way to write what I wanted to put down and I have done that.
Lately, I’ve lost a certain joy in Blogging because I have been feeling ashamed.
Ashamed ?
I am trying my hardest to be everyone and everything.
‘I’m the success. I am making my life a success.’
That kind of mentality.
I get in such a blue funk when I read certain posts- that it brings me down in my mood to the point, I can’t bear to read some posts.
It is because I am in this nebulous place – no soft carpet on the bottom of the pit, my ass is numb, I can’t get comfortable.
I can’t seem to get out.
I put on my many masks.
I am looking at them now- I count 10 . Some look more exotic than the others.
Think, Charleston Carnival Madness!
I’m not feeling festive or even wanting to consume anything that could make me feel spirited.
The ones that truly know me – are four people to be exact.
See , the true darkness won’t let me smile ( look what I did!).
It spits phlegm globules of doubts -splashes flecks of browns and greens across my eyes, my nose , my mouth.
My outfit.
That obnoxious bus was never going to slow down. It saw me and changed gear and pushed harder on the accelerate peddle just because it could.
If I undress and leave all my clothes in a heap will anyone notice?
They might.
Will I actually be jolted into caring?
It won’t let me – Let go.
My name is not Elsa or princess ‘whatever’- I can’t magic giant moving snowmen to show you the reason I am like this is because I may belong in a……..
morgue.
I just don’t want anybody touching my body and doing an autopsy.
In case I am still alive . That would be horrific, to say the least.
I hate writing stuff like this.
I want to be a ray of sunshine.
I want people to feel uplifted and energised around me.
I never ever want to knuckle drag anyone down to this point where your ass feels numb and well…
Dark ages Alert.
So I hide the extent of just how Stormy my mind has become. Why hide how wan I feel inside?
Dead,Afraid, guilty even.
I can’t even let go of a past person -why?
I want to open a present from my past.
I don’t want to receive my present – from this-this moment.
Because that person doesn’t want me for whatever reason.
Married, friendship . I don’t know.
I hate not knowing.
I loathe feeling like I have given up control to someone.
I look around me – I have an enchanting, little family around me.
Remarkable really.
People love me and people want me to flex my muscles and win the trophy.
I am doing it.
Fear or no Fear.
My heart has clumsily absorbed much blood.
This blood has formed congealed clots. They nestle around my beating heart.
Become complacent – they don’t want to move.
How can a heart harden yet weep at the same time?
Contradictions.
I don’t give up. I damn well feel like it.
Call it the stubborn part of me.
It serves me well in some cases.
I’ve decided what I am going to write about for my MA — well, the first part of it.
A script about a wife and husband dealing with the wife’s infidelity. There is a twist. It’s all in her mind. She is obsessed. A stalker of sorts. The husband knows. Why does he play along? She is ill. her mental health is not great.
I want whoever grades it to go:
‘Blimey/ fuck/ by Jove!/ Oh my hat!/’ or whatever the fuck expression they use when they are impressed and go ‘ I didn’t see that coming.’
The next 18 months is me putting in a lot of graft.
This anxiety corset grabs at me -gathers me – pulls me into a panic attack. I want to breathe – but I have to keep hold of my form.
I am in armour – uniform.
To be formless is to be Ovid’s chaos- on the first page of his ‘Metamorphoses’.
The thing is if I don’t share some of my weight bearers, then, I wonder what is the point of writing my blog at all.
It is just like in the real world – if someone can’t accept me for me at my worst -why should they only be allowed to see me at my best?
There is a person who ticked the box:
I am not a robot.
Me: typing these words.
I have body parts. So many emotions…..
I want to always write something that will blow peoples minds away .
We are all different and what may blow one mind may not even touch another.
So this is me waffling in type. Always stream of consciousness.
Don’t feel like rhyming or using fancy words.
I just want to feel authentic.
I want my spark back. I’m going to be a bad Prometheus and get me some fire!
I have an idea – find a joke!
How bout this one?
-
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
-
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
-
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
-
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
-
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
-
. “To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet … you can hide but you can’t run.”
Fuck!
Google – is shit for jokes or am I really that down -I can’t see the humour in these jokes to really make me LAFF OUT LOUD!
Anyone know any good jokes?
On a lighter note, I am alive and I have not been looking at grave sites.
I know how to swim!
Posted on Aug 30, 2016, in INSPIRATION, THOUGHTS and tagged Emotions, The art of Happiness, Thoughts. Bookmark the permalink. 42 Comments.
Daisy, I hope you are feeling a lot better. It is sad when one feels down, for whatever reason, but remember, it is perfectly normal. We are at the end of the day, human, and this is a part of life. Just take each day as it comes, and whatever transpires, tranpires. Just be kind to yourself and allow these emotions and hopefully in time all will be resolved. Hugs xxx
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Raw, everything from the sad to the funny.
Nice breadth of topics.
Also best of luck on the MA.
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Thank you. I’m feeling vthe nerves now 😨😨😨😨
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Sweet Daisy, I have many times sunk low with my emotions and blogging joy that I have questioned myself now and again what my objectives are. I try to look inwards and let my emotions marinate a bit and tell myself that I’m not special or a superwoman. I am just me, trying hard to be better. You are doing great. Take care of yourself.
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To hear this coming from you – someone I see as successful and determined and ambitious- is a bit of a relief really. Thank you for taking the time to remind me we are only human. ❤
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Indeed we are simply humans and have our down times. ((hugs))
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❤
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No words, except sending you lots of love, hugs and sunshine!
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Thank you Etta. Today is a better day. 🙂 Your posts inspire me more than you know . xx
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Great to hear you’re having a better day. Thanks, it means so much to know that my blogs are inspiring others. xx ❤ 🙂
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They do. You do! What a difference a day makes. Talking to others helps too. It helps me get more perspective. 🙂 ❤
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No matter what the it is
Let it out
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Ha! yes, this is my version of ‘Screaming or crying into a pillow’
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Hi Daisy. Remember, as it says up top, you are “irrepressible”!!! Plus, you write SOC sooo well. The world needs good honest writers. I hope your writing helped you shake yourself out. Yep, we’ve all been there (me, at least; I shouldn’t speak for anyone else!), the dark spin of some days, just temporary though. I hope your writing helped you shake yourself out , find your center. I am sending hugs, in case they help! ~ Peri
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That is my tagline Peri- Thanks for reminding me 😀 I’m feeling better. Just one of those days where I felt crap and could only think of all the bad things people have said. I’m starting to remember all the good I have achieved and how many people do care. Hugs help a lot and so does your comment- THANK YOU!
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Ha ha! I think there is something wrong with me – I love morbid jokes. That second one made me laff! Thank you for sharing that. I need a robot like that. Pretty cool.
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My dear Daisy! I want to say ‘I love you’ with great affection and comfort. Pardon my temerity. You are clearly a most loveable lass. Big Hugs!
P.S. Have always adored the lass in that Header picture. 💞💞
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Babs, I love your boldness. Very un English and Yorkshire and that is why I love you for it. Thank you. She is a bit lush. ❤
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Bless You! Yorkshire honesty….boldness? Calling a ‘spade a spade’? Hugs! ❤
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😀 ❤
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Hi darlin x these kind of inside out posts you write are my favourite. I can truly hear your voice and your vulnerability. No one has lofty expectations of you but you. I wish I could give you a big hug xxxxx I’ve missed you x I’ve been absent as I’ve had my own personal stuff going on. I still love ya 💖❤😘
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Oh my soul blogger. I feel like I have neglected you – you know my voice for real. I miss our little chats. I haven’t been on WP feeder for a while because I was having – he computer won’t go fast enough’ issues with it. I’ve mainly reading blogs via my email. I need to get back into the feed. I feel like I am missing out on so many posts. My laptop is booked in for a health check -bwahahahahah. So fingers crossed he hasn’t been on all night benders or on dodgy porn websites having his ahem.. health corrupted. I ❤ u 2 xoxoxoxoox
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We need a catch up too xxx
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haaha. Naughty computer 😉 I miss you lots. I am stressed out with this new waitressing job I’ve got as the boss man wants me to work more hours and be more flexible than I ideally want to
It’s also hard adjusting to work life again, post breakdown. 😦 I will email you the link to my blog and you can just read it from that if you like? xoxoxox
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I love when you write whatever your mood. We need our dark and our light. Take good care today (well every day) and know that whatever you feel, whatever the mood, whatever the change it’s all you and you’re wonderful! xx
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Really? It scares me when I see these words and go -now what? Alexis -the sun is shining. I have everything going for me! II suppose better to embrace it all xxxx
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You’re kicking ass even when its cloudy. 💕
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You are epic. Making me feel better. Thank you! muchos love to you xxx
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Hi Daisy, you know, we all have bad days and bad or uncomfortable things going on in their life, all of us, nobody escapes that, and we all choose different ways to handle it, but its there for all of us to enjoy !! You know by experience that you are strong, so hang on in there, you are just recharging your batteries, we all do that as well, and when you feel that power surge on the up, you will bounce back, like we all do, so just remember your strength and keep the charger on ! You will know when your ready, but dont worry about it, focus on something else and enjoy everyday…………..I can think of one little bundle of joy that always makes you smile 🙂
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Brooke, I love your posts. Your energy. Maybe I need new batteries -ha ha! I know I am strong. I suppose that is what frustrates me the most is letting this feeling or not being able to have some kind of piece with someone in my past because they don’t want it. Let go and move forward. I will. I am. Will double check that the charger is on. She is the only reason I am able to crack a smile 🙂 xxxx
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Maybe, but a very big reason xx
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I can’t argue with you on that 🙂 T Y xx
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There are so many things here I am not sure what to comment on. I too hate to give up control. And we all have a dark side. Be happy. Be well.
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Thank’s friend. The fog will lift. It has to. 🙂
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I hope letting all that out helped you feel better. You don’t have to be a ray of sunshine all the time. Nobody is and if they seem like they are, they’re lying. We take the good with the bad, Daisy. That is life. The trick is not letting the bad stuff swamp you. Now go be a bad Prometheus and get you some fire! xo
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True. Thank’sMeg. I hate typing stuff like this in such an ordinary format. ha ha!. Yes, let’s hope my liver will forgive me. I will stay clear of all spirits and other mind enhancing trickeries 😀
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I really wouldn’t mind borrowing money from a pessimist since he won’t expect it back😀😀 Have a great day Daisy. Good story line for your M.A. It sounds nice.
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Kind of funny! 🙂
Thanks E xxx I will be back when my head is clearer.
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Thank care dear.xxxx
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it’s ok :’)
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❤
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