Un done

Let it go

just go with the flow.

My mind comprehends all that I   need to let it go.

I change my physiological state to shock my brain into a newly formed hedgerow.

What about the heart?

My heart , specifically?

We all make mistakes and some fail despicably.

To assume, that one actually cares as much as I do,

was possibly the most arrogant act and now,

I  am that potato, left forgotten in the stew.

All heart – open to vulnerability.

I better change and put on a long-sleeved T-shirt

to wipe my snivelling tears and rejected mucus and hurt.

Heart sore.

I’m so naive

I do believe.

Let it go.

Just go with the flow.

I write because I know that it eases some of this rejection blow.

Stuck in a vortex with stale, carbon monoxide breathe.

How can a feeling of rejection make ME want to feel nothing- even death?

This is not me.

My emotions are struggling against the tide,

underneath,

 crustal plates continue to move at the bottom of the sea.

Climate change – is the world ready to blow?

Careless.

My nature is one who hates to be struck through the heart by a clueless arrow.

Why does it matter so much to me?

Why does it matter?

Why?

Full rejection would probably make it final.

Give me peace, answer me or just snap the cord – every vertebra of my spine – break me until……

Stillness;

is all I want in my heart.

I fight these thoughts but my heart drives me into some dark quagmire with loud noises from creatures that bark.

They snap too -not just at my ankles- but plunge their fisted paws, right inside the most fragile part of me- the part of me that is more like natures own bark.

Trees, flowers, love and hugs.

All worthy drugs from my from an undying lover;

 from someone who loves me even though I am crying out to be hung.

Cut me loose.

If you care – or at least answer me – I’ve given my all not just to be flung like Apollo’s impulsive son.

* what is better ? to be partly rejected or fully rejected? friendships, relationships, acquaintances?  *

What’s that saying about rather hearing ‘I don’t like you’ than being ignored.

I can deal with  ‘I don’t like you’.

 

Published by Daisy

'Words are my everything' - JonWayne . Writer of poetry, stories, stage scripts, fiction, border line poetry & free style works, Music reviews, Guest Features/interview & shout outs. She is also passionate raising anti stigma & awareness for Mental Health. A trained co-facillitator in Wellness Recovery Action plan by Mary Ellen Copeland Natasha goes by many moniker names-Daisy Willows, bahtuhkid, GOAT2Bdazee. She has had a colourful life. Travelled. Natasha co-owns a second hand clothing & accessories business -La Bella Bijoux Lltd Natasha was born in South African & is a French national. She currently resides in the UK Natasha Bodley holds a postgraduate in the Humanities. A BA in Myth in the Greek and Roman worlds & Advanced creative writing. She also holds a Foundation degree in Acting performance. She is currently working on her first novel (semi autobiographical creative non fiction). She has published one short story on Amazon called 'Number one' Connect with Natasha Collaborate with Natasha & feel free to Communicate her too. Light , peace & Love!

36 thoughts on “Un done

  1. Of this vastly peopled world,
    there exist those heart killers
    those mind twisters
    and blind, soul smashers.
    Why do they walk from destruction
    smiling, with emotional obstruction?
    It may seem as if they rule us all,
    when sorrow makes a house call.
    Yet, in this population of numbers
    they are but the bleak few.
    There are those of compassion,
    within the sought friends of new.
    I am sorry for your pain,
    but within your words, is power.
    The heart that hurts, knows its alive.
    The soul that aches, holds warm blood,
    The pulse is glowing
    Thank you for your written words…
    As a reader, my wish,
    is that you find
    healed moments
    within time…

    Like

  2. This must be cathartic for you. I do hope you feel better. I know about emotional roll coasters and they can take you on a swift ride but you are strong and know how to pull the breaks.
    Please send me your email address so that I can send you the interview request. Thanks dear 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Greetings Daisy, It’s good to get our feelings out. They look so different when they are written on paper where we can see the illusion in it. I mean, you MUST KNOW the truth of who you are – loving and sharing yourself with others. One of the reasons for a spiritual path is that really, none of us pay very good attention to others or even to what we are doing. I HATE REJECTION. I let it drive me to a depression that lasted for years. But, the truth is, whoever this was, wasn’t thinking things through, caught up in their own STUFF that had nothing to do with you, really.

    You’re clearly a strong woman. Sometimes we just need to get it out because that’s how we heal. Sending Love. Debra (It’s funny how we can have so many people supporting us, but that one person who doesn’t screws up everything. LOL)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is silly really. I’ve been up and down with my moods trying to get back to some sense of normality. I cried the whole day and ranted and raved about Brexit. I’ve been snapping at everyone, then I go and send an impulsive text to someone who clearly doesn’t think it is a big deal or care and I cry about that. I cry when I read peoples blogs or when my daughter sings to me.

      A learning lesson : if I want to suddenly stop taking meds for Bipolar -do it with a doctor.
      These are all classic symptoms of how my bipolar plays out. I always feel the need to run away and just party and go wild. I started partying when I was 12 years old and gave up my crown begrudgingly when I had my daughter..
      My Gaz is so opposite to me- never taken drugs, doesn’t drink, a family man, loyal, helpful, a saint really and then there is me – Yeah rejection sucks but today I think is this really going to matter in two weeks time or a year. I’m moving to France in the next two years. Fingers crossed funding for my MA in Creative writing comes through soon. I can then do a mini top up course and teach creative writing/ write stage scripts to other Europeans in France. I miss it. I’ve been here in the Yorkshire far too long and I am so scared of losing my open mindedness. I’ve got goals and I am loved by many – I feel it. I’m not going to let one person who decides to ignore to ruin another day of my precious life. If I see this person I will probably say hi – and hope you are doing well. I know who I am and that is what counts.

      We all go through shit. It’s how we recover… Thanks for your support. Honestly you have all been wodnerful with me snivelling away like a family member died.
      I have so much to be happy about . One rejection in my life just makes me more determined. It adds to my character. I fall down and I am up again. xxxxxxx

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Robert. I am far too sensitive for my own good. I always have been. Sometimes it feels like a curse. But if I can cry and express myself it reminds me I am human and I don’t want life to make me bitter. I would rather hurt for a day than be bitter and resentful for a life time. Your support helps me tremendously xx Thank you

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Shining bright through the pain Daisy! Nil carborundum (rough translation: don’t let the uggers get to you or get you down…as you are awesome!) 🙂 I read this and straightway thought of and just listened to Let it grow by Eric Clapton – try it (there’s a YouTube link here:-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eShwTTYcqMg) BEST to ya! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you friends. im emotionally drained. I will get back to to you soon. Writing my thoughts has helped. Time to look for wards and enjoy the life I have created and am continuing to make. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This person is on her unique journey. No matter what you say or do she may not be ready to reach out to you although you are far along on yours. One day she may reach out but today is not the day. Keep it up. Writing and taking a walk is therapeutic for me. You’re a strong woman with so many people supporting you. x

      Liked by 1 person

    1. No , it won’t Babushka. Too much happening to get hung up on something that requires me to move forward. I can’t make a person speak or email me. It’s their choice. I’ve had my tears and writing this post really helped me and Gaz has been amazing. He truly is my King. No matter what I tell him. He is always in my corner even when he hates knowing what I am upset about. It upsets him too. I owe it to him and my daughter to carry on moving forward and I am good at doing that. I don’t hold any grudges. I’m happy for this person. I knew this person at their lowest point and I just thought I got to break through the act and found a genuine person. Not ot say this person is not genuine. Funny how we all have a different perspective. I cried so much yesterday and for all I know this person could have been laughing at my texts or just thinking “fuck her” but it is not my problem what this person thinks. I have my own mind to deal with and I can’t control what people think about me. I can control what I think about me. I know what I have done to make peace. That is what matters at the day.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Why does it matter? Because you matter. You matter to all of us. 🙂

    But the pain is something different. What you feel in the heart and what is coming from the outside is in parallel. The solution is in parallel too. To alleviate what ails on the outside, one must deal with the heart.

    Are there magic words to get rid of the pain? There are. I will share them with you if you are willing. They are these: “I give my pain to you Yeshua, Universe, Creator. Thank you for your peace.” That is all.

    When the pain is taken from the heart, the true you will be exposed to new life, and the opinions an actions of others toward you won’t matter nearly so much. Your happy and true self will now be untethered. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey ART! That is exactly how it seemed to me. Great advice – I’m just going to continue to give my self and my heart to people who actually want it . I want to just move on. I don’t want to hold anyone back. I just thought we were kind of friends/acquaintances and I think I got a bit carried away. My ego got the best of me and I wanted validation from this person that I am still attractive or likeable. I know the answer already but I was reaching out. I didn’t reach out to specific friends of mine because I know they have their own shit going on. I just thought I could get some kind of compliment to boost my spirit and that Ego of mine but I can see what is going on. It was my problem and I had to sort it out. I had to believe in myself and not lose sight of everything I have fought so hard for and I don’t want to lose the person I have become. Thanks for the pep talk . You are always so kind to me. All of you.

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Aw Daisy xxx I am sorry to read you are in so much pain. Rejection gets us right in the heart and the gut doesn’t it. I know that feeling exactly, pain that is so bad you go into a place where you think about death. You poor love, I’m so sorry this person has so far, as you see it, ignored you. I don’t wanna go too CBT on you as I think it’s a load of crap but there may be reasons why you’re not getting the response you want, or indeed any response x Well done for braving your soul in this beautiful piece, I don’t think it’s badly written at all. The way you describe how much you’re hurting is imaginative and dark but beautiful. I’m here if you want a good old comment section natter. I’m in the shed, escaping from the family lol 😆😫 QB Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Isn’t it mental to think about death ? I mean it hurts so much at the time all I wanted was to knock myself out. I wanted to drink. I even think if someone offered me heroin or something equally powerful to knock me out I would have taken it. I know all about CBT and the rest of it. I’m usually on point and got my shit together. This threw me for whatever reason. I also think because I stopped taking certain medication for a month -my moods went all helter skelter and that has a lot to do with being over emotional and taking things too personally. In the shed? Is it that bad? ha ha… I’m glad I am able to write my feelings down. It really helps me. It’s an new day. I have so much to be happy about. xxx thanks for always being such a great friend. It’s weird , you know, I don’t know you guys and gals in reality but when the people closest to you or people you know don’t acknowledge how far you have come and I have always been the kind of person to champion people with whatever endeavours they go into even if I don’t know the person very well. I think I need to give to the people who do give a fuck. Thanks for being one of those people xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You massively give a fuck about people. You are already so supportive of me and all your other blogger followers. And yes I hugely give a fuck about you. I try and see the best in everyone, but sometimes certain people, like you, really get under my skin (in a really brilliant way!) and I want to get behind them!!! I know what you mean about needing to do a inventory of people in your life and assess, regardless of how often you’re in contact, or whatever role you play in each other’s lives, who really is good for you and wants to see you grow-and who are wallpaper people, in the background, looking pretty, but ultimately not doing all that much, except just being there as wallpaper. I’m glad you have that new day fresh start mentality and am just so sorry you felt such extreme discomfort yesterday and Saturday especially. I fully understand that feeling of wanting to just knock yourself out, totally. It’s fucking shit isn’t it! Thinking about death is mental I guess, as it’s a pretty dark and major thing to feel compelled to seek out for yourself, but it’s not mental, in the sense that it’s not necessarily literal, it’s an understandable psychological ‘want’, when you are feeling deep pain which, in that moment, it feels there is no way you can stand. Suicidal pain is crippling and the most panic inducing pain out there, but a lot of people feel it, so you’re not mental for feeling it. Feeling suicidal is a way to gain cognitive mastery over our pain. We don’t like what we feel, so we take action by creating cognitions that death is better. I wish you a better day today Daisy. I have every faith in you and to double up my efforts I will do a meditation for you later. If you feel a difference, let me know 😉😆😃 With love from your Queenie B 😆💪💛

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Ugh! I hate being ignored, I feel like I need a def8nitive answer before I can decide what to do.
    Maybe, however, anything but a “yes” is most certainly a “no”?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I think this is beautiful and that you are overcritical in saying it’s your worst, because I think it is pretty damn good. I love all your examples and the way you paint a picture.
    I agree, I would rather be fully rejected than ignored. I think that ignoring and avoiding is more cowardly, although it IS easier sometimes.

    Liked by 3 people

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