how do I wish you a great day without addressing the past?
Memories are usually a good place to start.
Let’s forget about the bad ones.
No room for improvement in a negative mind state.
You taught me how to fish.
That was cool because I actually caught a fish but I was not impressed when you threw him back into the ocean – he was too small to eat.
You taught me a valuable lesson:
Compassion and what is necessity.
The night I was sat on the step, crying. Mom was going through a tough time. Nobody understood how ill she was and you sat next to me and begged me not to follow in my Mom footsteps. I would never live a life with joy.
I learnt that enemies can want the same thing and can come from two completely different view points . Ma never wanted me to follow in her footsteps either.
I remember the day I baked you a cake. You came over to Nan’s and you were sobbing. Great granddad was not well.
You taught me that there is a lot that goes inside a persons mind and just because they don’t express emotion all the time, it doesn’t mean they care any less.
I remember trying to get to know each other in 1994. My holiday and first time back to South Africa in 6 years.
I sensed you were trying to talk . To break the ice. It is a pity my sister in her teens and a little shit at the time and you had to act as the buffer.
I learnt that vulnerability doesn’t make you weak. I learned that jealousy is a wasted emotion. It makes us say ugly things. I am only sad you didn’t try again to speak to me -one on one.
I remember on that same holiday we went on a safari. It was a treat and one the of the best days in of my life.
You taught me that you did indeed care about my happiness and you wanted to create happy memories.
The truth is we are not close for so many reasons. I am so over blaming. It’s un productive and the truth is we do things that we think are the best for each moment we live.
I understand this because I am a parent.
I know it is hard to instigate a conversation with some one you barely know.
I know you may have feelings about what you could or should have done differently.
Let’s not get too hung up on what we could of done.
Focus more on today and what we can do today.
Want to hear something funny?
I may not know you very well but I have kind of ended up getting married to a man whose birthday is two days apart from your own. I am actually marrying my Dad, in a crazy round a bout way.
Before I end this -I want to thank all those silly quizzes you do on Facebook.
Who would think that I can learn so much about you based on a trivial quiz?
We may not be close but if anything happened to you and I held you in my heart with resentment and bitterness, I would never forgive myself.
I do love you, Dad.
There is some ethereal sense of commitment I have to you. I can’t give you up. I have tried but I won’t give up on you -ever.
I know my illness scares/ scared you.
I am much more self aware these days. I don’t blame you , Dad.
All I wish for is, to get to know you better. To sit down and have a chat, laugh and I want to look into your eyes and I want you to hug me and tell me you love me.
I know you do but I want to feel you see you and hear your voice.
Have a great day , Dad -from the U.K. to S.A.
Posted on Jun 17, 2016, in MY WORLD, WRITE TO RECOVER and tagged Emotions, Family matters, life lessons, MY WORLD, parenthood, these are my words, Thoughts, UNCATAGORISED, Write to create. Bookmark the permalink. 25 Comments.