Vacant
I’m scared because I don’t know how to comfort her anymore.
I’m scared because when I go and visit her ,
She does this trick of making out like her eyes have glazed over into a dark,shut, emerald door.
I can’t see inside. I try to peek through the keyhole, carefully.
There is seemingly no one there.
Vacant. a word chastened in hyperbole.
The remnants of a body is clearly still in front of me.
I only sit and stare.
I hear a sound – high pitched screams.
It sounds like there is a disturbing altercation going on in there.
A neighbour breathes and passes by , leaving only a scented whisper of
” Feed her chocolate. It keeps her subdued”.
Fair trade Chocolate does not seem like the ethical solution to end a deplorable mental feud.
The air is thick with my punctuated words.
WHY?
the neighbour screams,
Red, furious and right up in my face-
“BECAUSE THEN YOU WON’T HAVE TO KEEP UP YOUR NOBLE ATTEMPTS TO MAKE OUT SHE IS STILL A PART OF US HUMANS SPACE“
She is!
look,
Look at her .
I kiss her head and she flirts with that smile.
The neighbour shakes his head.
“All she does is mumble like a car spluttering ,trying to clock one last mile”.
“It would be kinder if they actually just stopped and kept her underfed.”
Oh really, if she doesn’t understand then why the hell did she lash out to hit me ?
She saw her ring on my finger .
If she is only a shell then why do such emotions come out like she is a venomous, angered Bee?
“I wish she would go. It has no existence”.
Yes, it is hard to see her exist like this but the only alternative you suggest is that me ,you and her have even more distance.
Maybe I am selfish,
but nobody really knows how much she knows.
Just because she can’t speak or walk or do much anymore .
it doesn’t meant everyone can just talk around her like a she is a retard.
It doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel our ignorance like fists pummelling her heart in fierce blows.
I see the image of her in bed , sleeping with her Teddy bear.
I can’t take my eyes away from it and just pretend that this is what it is and carry on like I don’t care.
I don’t cry. I will try .
I don’t try . I cry.
Suffer.
Suffer.
Suffer.
If it was me in her place,
I would make sure I had a will that specified I decided when I wanted to dissipate into another state or place.
(For my Gran. Dementia is ……. I am at a loss for words)
Posted on Jun 29, 2022, in WRITE TO RECOVER and tagged Beliefs, Emotions, humanity, Life, Relationships, spirituality. Bookmark the permalink. 68 Comments.
Nice
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Beautiful post 😊
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Thank you 😊so much for reading . Great to meet you.
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You’re r most welcome 💓🙏
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Nice to meet you too….your post is beautiful…💓🙏
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Thank you! Blessing 🙌 to you. Hope you stop by again
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You’re r most welcome…yes sure… will visit soon…😊🙏
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Mercy Johnson
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I’d been through the same a few years ago with my dad. It’s hard to see it happen, seems like their personality changes. He knew it was happening, which made it even harder to accept. They don’t want to be this way, but have no control over it. Keep doing what you are doing, but don’t forget to take care of yourself, also. (((hugs)))
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Thanks! I’m part of this Dementia group on FB and everyday some relative is dying. I don’t want her to suffer but I don’t want an end of an era. I know on some level my Gran hates what this illness stops her from doing. It is no life but we have to enjoy the time we have with. xxx Sorry about your Dad. It must have been real tough – hugs back
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Thanks, it was hard to get through. Love and light for your Gran and you. ❤
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Hi
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Thank you x
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Hello
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It’s a toughone . Before my gran passed I was hell bent on trying to fund raise events or do things to help not only her but people with her illness.
I used to take hundreds of pics so I could remember her ..
I look back kon my social media pics and I scroll past them because that is not how want to remember my gran .. I want to remember her before it took over.
I have my daughter , mom , husband ,my cats 🐈 and my own health to put as priority now.
I can only learn how to take care of my own health and be more proactive with my family’s too.
I don’t want to.lose my mom before she hits 65 .
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I’m sorry for your pain.
Nothing I say will nake it better
I know that if I was in purgatory …
I would want an end.
And… I have a radical stance when it comes to suffering and death..
I’m pro euthanasia and …
I’m sorry…
This may not be an appropriate comment to respond to your comment .
Do whatever it takes to soothe your soul and follow your instincts with how to respond to your gran’s needs and wants …
Big hugs
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Beautifully written words kisses
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Thank you 💚💛💜
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Wow
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🙂
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wow really great piece, emotion cant be felt in every word.
i have nominated you for the 3 day quote challenge, i hope you accept- rules can be found here https://thedarkestfairytale.wordpress.com/2016/06/02/3-day-quote-challenge-3-of-3/
k
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Thanks K . I’ve got a couple of awards and challenges I need to do but I will try and work something out -it is always lovely to be thought of xxx
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No problem, in your own time lovely x
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It’s so true and beautiful yet sad and heartfelt write. Very beautiful written 🙂
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Thank you so much Ajaz
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Hi Daisy, I read your post and my heart just went out to you because I can relate so much. I’m so sorry for the pain and the heartache that you’re going through. I know the feeling. I’ve been going through it for over a year with my own mum. Some days are so hard, but all you can do is be there for her. Her soul is still in there and she still loves you, even if she can’t express anything. Hugs. xo
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Hi Miriam. I can’t imagine what mental state I would be in if it was MY mom. I see how much pain it causes my own Mom. I can’t fix her pain and it sucks. I suppose she has her loving moments.. IIt is just a horrible illness. Sending you loads of hugs xxx
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Thanks Daisy, it’s hard for everyone isn’t it? xox
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that it is . At least we can support each other xxxx if you ever want to chat let me know ❤
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My grandfather was similar a good 15 years ago i would say. My grandmother insisted he go to the er as he had ab pain. He had a tiny spec in a Pet Scan, I am doing one Friday, and it was said come back in 6 months and if it has not changed it is all good. I have experience with this turning. He was fine and the growth was the same size. my grandmother insisted he had surgery. Oops a clamp slipped and he lost a leg and almost died. I had pull and got him upgraded. I worked with him 3 days a week outside of 3 days with a pt and I taught him to strengthen himself. He scared the hell out of my grandmother and she cursed me for teaching to climb up the stairs using his arms and he surprised her as she slept. he did not need surgery and he settled for poor surgery badly and lived several years later but he was never the same. So, i understand.
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How sad Paul, but you did so much to help him. Good luck for Friday , Keep me updated please 🙂
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I did my first half today and the Cardio hated my echo result. I had told him that I have had stress tests since I started heart rate training. In HS I would suck the first week of cross country practice, I would walk the warmup when my heart felt bad. week later I was doing 2 miles in ten minutes, maybe 1.5 weeks. So the cardio is scared, the ortho today told me surgery will probably not heal me and I may never be able to workout again and I may need to alter biking or may never be able to do that again, after 2 years of it, maybe 3. Tomorrow is interesting and I am waiting to calm down and start cramping shortly.
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Oh man. I’m so sorry. That sucks. Do they know what is wrong with your heart? what is the condition called? xx Sending you hugs, friend
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Oh, this is so powerful and heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for your Gran and for you and all those who watch her fade away.
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A different language nowadays, but still, if listened to, able to be understood.
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Yeah there is always tomorrow and that means there is always a better day. Or maybe not…… I don’t know anymore…. Apologies – for the morbid mood.
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Your post brought up that she is communicating now in an emotional mood. It is second childhood stuff. It is the way we used to communicate before we learned words – through non-verbal bonding. One can actually tune into it if they try, and perhaps hear the “silent” conversation. 🙂
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yes, the nature of the illness means she goes back in time until she reverts to a baby again. Isn’t that messed up? I’ve tried music, touch , different sensory stimulation. She is so far gone. But I won’t give up. She is still alive and the though it gets harder to see her this way I can’t let her or my own Mom down. I wish I could make my own Mom feel better .. 🙂 thanks for the advice
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Daisy, Daisy, I heard and felt every word you wrote xx beautiful and poignant ❤ xxx
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Thank you Lisa xxxx
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Hi
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Thank you for taking the time to read my woe moments. My gran is in a better place now.
My daughter said she’s travelling the cosmos in a 1st class/ private jet..
Much better than heaven , right ?!
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Having gone through this already with MIL and FIL – my heart breaks for you and your family. Saying prayers for you all.
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So sorry for your pain too xxxx Thank you for your prayer, Stacy xx
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It is hard I know I’ve been there with my grandfather. Hugs
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So many of us know it. It is like Cancer. Why is there no cure? I get all conspiratorial and think the pharmaceutical companies profit from ill people -no ill people. No money – Sorry about your Granddad xxx
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I think the same things.
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It is kind of a no brainer! How can people not see it? xx
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Dementia is such a cruel ailment. I felt this. I had a beautiful aunt to was struck by Dementia and it was sad to watch. Your gran remains who she is just a more silent who. Beautiful and raw post Daisy.
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Aye. that it is. I know your pain. . Life, hey? xx
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I’m so glad you post about your gram and dementia. It’s such a lonely, painful place to be sometimes. We can feel the love you have for her. Beautiful post.
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She has been good to me. three years and she has gone from a fit and healthy person to who she is today. I hate this illness! Thanks for reading xx
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sending you to you and your gran.
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There will be a little special place inside of her, that tells her you are there, Daisy, your love for each other is so strong you will never lose that connection sending you lots of love xx
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Thank you Brooke. You can’t imagine how awful I felt about my engagement ring. She was there when G proposed. The ring date back to the late 1930/40’s and was my great grand mothers. She passed it on to my mom who passed it onto to me. I guess she forgot – or there is some emotion attached to that ring and her feelings about her mom. I hate playing detective. Especially when I am not going to solve the reason why… xxxx
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May be it’s just the emotional connection between you both, she can’t tell you but finds a way to express herself, try not to over think it, remember the positive, she knows that you are special to her and her to you,xxxx
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Thanks Brooke xx huggs . xxx you have a good heart x
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Beautiful post Daisy, and so so sad. All you can do is love her and be there for her during this time. (which you are) She knows you are there, and she loves you for that. Her love for you is unconditional. Hugs. x
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Beautifully, sensitively, poignantly written! Yes, I could ‘feel’ the personal touch filtering through as I read. Hugs! ❤
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mwah! xxx
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Hugs! ❤
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always x
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You keep loving her no matter how far she retreats into herself. Powerful post, Daisy. ❤
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I will never stop loving her, Meg. Thank you ❤ x
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Hi
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She passed on 2017 on mothering Sunday.
L. Not funny …
I justcdont want to forget her .
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THANK YOU!
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