“Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It’s perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we’ve learned something from yesterday.” John Wayne
I’ve had a lot of awesome feed back about what a great person I am and how people admire me for volunteering. I’m kind of taken a back because I have to be straight with you . I get so much from it.
It is not just some selfless act . I am not doing some altruistic act like some Mother Theresa or Ghandi.
Volunteering and all the training and experience I get from it helps me gain skills. One huge skill I get from volunteering is it keeps me focused.
It gives my life purpose.
When I want to say,
FUCK EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY
(I did that yesterday)
Volunteering is a tool (or way of coping if you like) that I use to distance myself from my mental health problems. I can leave the house knowing my purpose for the day or for the next few hours is focusing on doing something thing that doesn’t feed into my illness.
When I put my volunteer hat on : It ‘s not about my issues.
It’s for something bigger. I am using the shit in my head to take something positive and use it to do something more constructive with it.
If it helps someone that is a major fucking bonus 😀
So before you applaud me.
Please,know my life is far from perfect.
I still struggle with my Bipolar, my weight and the scales and certain foods I won’t eat.
I am not emaciated or starving myself but I will always have this Eating disorder and Bipolar.
I am lucky I have finally become the kind of person who will eat my kind of food that I feel safe to eat -not giving a shit what people think about or don’t think about my eating habits.
I don’t feel shame rummaging in my bag and taking my medication at a certain time.
Here is the reason why.
I hid that part of my myself human, for so long.
I used to be so ashamed to show people I too had to eat sometime when I was very ill at a BMI of 13- so we are talking low numbers -35 kilograms. 5stone if that.
So I do struggle -everyday -to a certain degree.
In previous posts,I’ve mentioned exercise as one of my top five ways to cope.
Yesterday I came back from the dentist, I went straight to bed. I didn’t want to see or know anything or anybody.
I wanted to call of the wedding! (drama queen moment).
Seriously, I was genuinely fed up and had blown the candle flame out myself.
I was disappointed because I had had great , big, huge expectations.
Number one lesson # never expect unless you want to be disappointed.
I got it in my head that my dentist was going to do some extra work for me and it turned out, what he had said about fixing up my teeth for my wedding, was not the kind of fixing up I thought he was going to do.
I got bummed out.
I can fix my problem teeth if I have oh, £1000 hanging around.
So yesterday I gave up. I managed to read my daughter a story.
My biggest support is my partner, my daughter and my Mom.
When I got back from the dentist. I was going to hit the floor and do a dance session.
My partner knows I weigh myself before and after.
There on the wall ,was a post stick note, with these words written on them
You are the strongest person I know
I love you
and you are soooooo sexy
MY SOUL MATE
My G does this a lot . He pumps me up and believes in me. He hates my illness because he sees what it does to me. He gets mad cos he doesn’t feel like he is doing enough.
He does more than enough.
All he wants from me is my love -(of course) and for me to be happy.
No long lists….
I’m the one with the massive list of what I expect I should be to my partner.
I woke up ,read my daughter a story.
I asked myself can I do this gym session?
It took me three attempts but I got it done
The scales are still being wankers but I did it.
I will tell you a secret.
Yesterday someone -not a friend/ family member told me I had the figure of a model and the look of a model. I took the compliment more for the reason not to offend her than take it in and think.
That is fucking awesome.
Did this person want something from me?
Throughout all the self hating we do. We forget the compliments we get/ dismiss them.
I know that today I’m going to be able to start some great work with another mental health charity and when I get home I will be able to blog and read blogs.
Another one of my top 5 ways to cope.
I COULD OF AND DID DO THIS
The problem with mental health issues is that if you don’t make some kind of effort. Say for example getting out of bed- nothing is going to change.
It is a catch 22 situation and it sucks!
Nothing to is going to improve.
Finding out the skills you need and what makes you happy is the key to motivating you, to carry on, when all you want to do is lie on a train track and wait.
People ask me how I can be so open with my blog and who I am and what I disclose. Some people in the place I live know me and my blog.
I’ve had 25 years of either judging myself or being judged.
So it kind of doesn’t bother me what people think of me and my issues and how I deal with them.
I know in my heart and mind what it has taken for me to get to this point in my life.
Still alive ,with a beautiful family and all my limbs and loads of opportunities.
There is no miracle cure.
The only thing I do is keep on going.
If I fall.
I get back up –
The day I don’t get up is the day I may as well build a coffin for myself.
Want to be a part #FollowGreatFootsteps? You can do it! I will review your blog -check out the link above. It”s easy peasy.