Time to put my  reflection head on .

So many people ask me how I was able to get to the person I am today. To recap :

How did I go from overdosing regularly on medication, partying and drinking all the time, in an abusive relationship, one abortion down and another child taken off me by social services:

The catalyst  to this  incident being my ex couldn’t handle the fact I had finally walked away from him. He used an opportunity when  he visited his daughter one night at my home to try and show me who is boss.   I will never fully remember that night.

I was arrested for assaulting my 12 week old child and resisting the police when I was found barefoot in the middle of the night, drunk, beaten and disorientated , looking for my daughter.

He told the police not only had I been drinking but that  I  had attacked him and shook my daughter. ( a lie)

It  took 16 months to be allowed to have my daughter sleep in her own bedroom and it took until 06/05/2015 to have the judge lift the full care order revoked on my daughter.

HOW THE FUCK DID I DO IT?

Someone once told me once that people need to stop trying to save other  people.

Why?

Because once we are thrown into the wild/ the big bad world and have to fight to survive ,we can be pretty fucking resourceful.

 I became a resourceful person.

I went to therapy and community projects to learn about my attraction to abusive and disrespectful men and how I could change my beliefs about men.

I went to every contact session in 16 months (bar 11 days).

I wouldn’t back down.

I challenged  all authorities when I thought they were wrong.

I learned to operate the way they did.

I kept a journal of what I felt had gone on in every contact session.

I built a portfolio of pictures for each ‘looked after child’ review to evidence I and my partner were the right people to look after my daughter.

I emailed professionals everyday to keep them in the loop and up to date

I did every community group you can think of:

Mother and baby/toddler groups

I referred myself to Calderdale alcohol service

I demanded a hair strand test to prove I was not a drug taker or alcoholic.

I allowed them access to my mental records ( not a wise choice but the end result is what matters here)

I swotted up on the social care system buying books and researching on the internet  into the early hours of the morning.

I learned to speak in their language. I became an expert in  communicating in their way that eventually, they ran out of reasons  for coming up with  what an emotionally neglectful  mother I was.

I spoke the legal jargon.

I found new ways  to cope and I will come back to this..

My first instinct, in  response, to my daughter being placed in foster care was to starve myself. I  quickly realised that was not how I was going to get my baby girl back.

I met my husband -to -be very quickly after the end of an abusive one. Family members were livid, professionals thought  I was  a complete generic ,black and white, textbook  case .

Open.

Adoption

Shut.

File papers away.

The judge didn’t see it so straight forward.

Thankfully.

Nor did my legal team.

Going back to how I coped.

This may sound surreal coming from a person with an Eating disorder. I found out my biggest ally to cope with stress – (not taking into consideration the medication I  use too) was exercise.

Don’t underestimate the power of exercise.

Everyday from the time my daughter was placed in care up to the present day I work out in my humble living room.

What exercise helped me achieve

Free healthy high and natural stress reliever

It helped me focus and discipline myself so much that not only did I get my daughter back, I went on to achieve a 2.1 BA (hons) in the Arts and Humanities with the Open university. On-line.

My weight  has become less of an issue – it was/is still there but I was living for more than a figure on the scale.

It helps me set up and achieve small goals

It helps give my day structure and routine

I stopped using self harmful ways to cope

I’ve become aware of me – I became to believe in myself and love and respect myself

I learned to say no.

I learned that a lot of the times the way a person treats me (if it is negative or positive) it is to do  with their shit – whatever is going on in their mind and lives. I won’t put up with other people’s shit any longer.

Another coping skill that saved me was when I finally could cross off my goal to start blogging.

I also started volunteering.

These are two other powerful ways I cope.

I love to write and learn and read. It makes sense to blog ,right?

For those who have followed my blog from the beginning ,will know  how therapeutic blogging has been and still is for me. My blog evolved from a blog about a person with mental health issues to,

a person who has mental health and other  interests.

like  what?

 symbolism

cultures

politics

chatting online

doing challenges

trying my hand at poetry

finding inspiration in quotes

trying new projects

Learning how to master the technical side of word press.   That is always a fun one.

And a bunch of other stuff.

I  have become the person I want to be. I never thought I could be the person I had locked away in my mind.

Other people had those qualities -not me.

I was faking it. I didn’t have it in me.

I DID

I  DO.

So, that is how I did it.

No magic spells, no money changing hands that I know of,  but honesty, hard work and the willingness to change.

I know a lot of stuff that has happened in my life  has/is not my fault but I can’t change that. I have learned that the only way I can alter my life and live as happy as I want to be; is by considering looking within and changing.

This is a never-ending process.

We all have our battles and scars. If we have scars it means  we have come out the other side.

I  can look at each scar with pride that I overcame something. I became the one that I only saw in others. The me I wished I could be.

I am.

Just felt it was a good time to share and reflect – back to reading blogs  and researching the origins of the hen and stag do

Well, I am ,after all, getting married in 11 weeks . 😀

Here is the Oscar worthy  , mushy part  of the post

That comes across as so corny but I wouldn’t still have hope to do what I love if it wasn’t  for you a lot . It’s been 7 months of pure pleasure.