Nothing is holding my interest today.. I feel sad, empty, confused.

Confused because I should be anything but these dreaded feelings…

Here are all the amazing things going on that I SHOULD be happy about

I’m considering topping up my BA with a masters in Creative writing because I can. Well, I will fund it but I can write. Some people have no limbs and wish they could write!

I get love and hugs from my partner and my daughter all the time.

I’m moving forward slowly but surely with volunteering. In two weeks time, I’m doing a 4 day facilitating course to help mental health service users- One step closer to getting the Eating disorder group up and running.  Gaining more and more experience and knowledge

I am fit. Healthy. My body is neither thin nor fat. It is in good shape.

I have friends and family too. I don’t have loads of friends but the ones I do. I treasure it.

I got my tattoo cover up done yesterday and it is colourful and bright just like my future and my true personality. I’ve waited three months for my slot to come up to get it done.

My Ma is pulling out every stop you can think of to make sure I have the fantasy wedding that I never even dreamed about.

My brain suddenly stopped. What else is going on?

Oh yes, this . My blog. It’s growing as I too grow and find  new interests. I feel  more supported as each day comes to a close and it is blanketed,lulled into a cozy slumber.Stillness. Time to rest.

Why isn’t this enough?

Why in the back of my head do I turn away from my family and go inwards and inwards and inwards -spiralling around and around and around, until I am  at the centre of my own lonely self?

Not even a flower to show for it. Not even a weed!

I look down

No, I’m the fucking weed! I’m scared I am losing my mind…

Why does the thought of organising my wedding feel like a cold pail bucket of ice water thrown over me?

Why do my thoughts tell me that my husband- to- be -doesn’t love me?

No, that is not entirely accurate. He  sees..

He sees flaws!

Flaws that he never saw before. That he refused to see?

REPULSIVE ONES!

Why don’t I give enough love to my daughter?

Why do I continue to compare my life to others when we are all so different? Not necessarily better.

Different.

Unique ,right?

Why do I feel stupid when I am not? My hobbies , the things I think about…

..all point to someone with some degree of intelligence and to up the dramatics of this post; I have  a never ending warrior- like  cry, yearning for more learning and understanding?

Why do I allow myself to let people who I knew years ago,  make or break my day,with the thoughts I think that they think about me?

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

Why do I feel guilty for having a non- workout day? One day. .

Why can’t I be enthusiastic?

Why am I so hard on myself?

I torture myself with my mind. I’m losing my mind. This time I don’t want to. I’m conscious  this time..

Not good enough. Never good enough.

Whatever I do – whenever I succeed,

I go on a brief high and then comes the

THUD.

My body remembers it has to conform to gravity. Bloody bollocks to that.

I compare myself to other people’s successes and  how they look and that –

That’s when I feel my mood gets to the point where I want to be numb.

No, that is only temporary. Numbness inevitably always wears off.

I want to trade my body,mind and life with another!

What am I saying? these words…

My body is beautiful!

My soul ,

my life is simple, magical and it is mine. No. I won’t let these thoughts taunt me. They know my emotional IQ is below average. A lot of my emotions all feel the same.

For the record ,I don’t need more therapy.

I just need to let go and identify my feelings. My thoughts chase after them,around the twisted turns and corridors of my mind.

Ghostly faces and limbs,

missing.

  Gaping black ,open mouthed  monsters.  No teeth – not one glimmer. A glimmer would mean that  there is hope to escape them.

Only darkness- they want to swallow me and keep me in that pit of darkness.

Blacked out blinds and windows. Some rooms in my mind have been better refurbished than others.

No light bulbs – not even a match or a candle…..

They have burned the last of my light,

 my books – my precious books, that helped me connect to my emotions,illuminated my mind.

They  helped me navigate my emotions in the darkness, grasping  onto the ball of string.  Unravelling,

Unravelling  the one thought that can help me exit this existence  –

Possibly.

Possibly, I can get back on top of that mountain and inhale the pure air. Allow the mist to cloak me in  happiness and success again.

Maybe then,

Then I could see myself as enough -all of  the time.

I could see myself the way some people in my life describe me!

How many contradictions can my mind have? I AM GOING INSANE!

NO,I AM GOOD ENOUGH. one sharp intake of breath. Mine.

a pause,

longer;

 No sound. I scream louder and louder – some kind of  jaded sorcery  has stolen-

Stolen my voice, my light, my smile, my..

My me.

NO! I WANT WHAT IS MINE!

I don’t even know how I feel about this post. Wait!

My useless words feel inadequate,  my sappy command of the English language is that of some cursed simpleton that everyone avoids.

I’m not vain! I know beauty fades.. Insecurity is unattractive…

I do love to laugh.

I love cuddles.

So it all boils down to my words. This.

This post! … lost… trying so hard to be a writer and have I succeeded?

NO!   (wait there is a whisper, faint ever so faint)

yes.. yes… yes you have- because ,

because I am being true to myself.

I am honouring my feelings- the ones that lack an IQ.

I’m trying to give them the only  chance  they have, to get into the newly built safe- house. Built higher up , into the  low beamed attic of my mind.Steep. small stairs  to climb.

I have a key. I can’t go on too much about it. The other thoughts will try to mix me up and I will forget.

Yes,  I lost it- it was dark but I think I can find it…

I will find it.

Yes, we will be safe … until I figure out where the hell to put  my emotions

Run! NO -Fight… Fight.

write and write and write and write …

write, because it is the only thing that is keeping me safe. The only thing that gives me hope is that this melancholic garbage- this freaky house  of a  mind of mine , invaded with – haunting, damning  thought- squatters, will pass.

SHHHHHHHHHHH!

The other thoughts have super keen hearing.  Hold my breath.Hold yours. Hold it!

Erase what I told you from your mind.

ERASE IT!

please…..

Wait.  Okay..

The safe house – if I find the key . I have access to light .

Well one lighter,

and,

A safe full of explosives.

I will exterminate them from their favourite breeding grown. My fucking home!

“Here little critters, come out , come out -let’s play dangerous” Can you hear them scuttle, their  hard shelled cockroaches clicking. Their preferred form.

No more.

No more hiding in the dark.

I need to go.

I need to find that key.

Draw a fine line and tell me what side my mind is on.