I find it hard not to expect the same from people.
The same commitment, friendship, ways of approaching issues, thinking styles, letting go. I do find it hard to let go and that is when I am at my unhappiest. That is when I become obsessed with having my expectations met. These people are not aware of these expectations and I brood over them. I mourn. All that has passed and all that has not resulted in a ‘… and Daisy lived happily ever after.’
It’s great getting attention and being flattered by past flames and it is hard to see them happy with another(not me) and wave them on and say goodbye for now. I’ve realised if I want to be free and ‘talk the talk ‘then I must free the one’s the took a place in my heart, especially the ones who didn’t know about the perfect mould I had built to keep them there. They too need to be free to be happy again.
I need to be free to live -consciously in the life that is mine.
It’s hard to write this next section not because it is painful. It once was but I have to stop living in another time. I have everything and more that I want and need.
I have a soul mate.
How many people can truly say they have found theirs? This is the only person who doesn’t expect much from me. Does everything to make me happy. He has held the title for the best husband to be award way before I knew the form that makes up his physical makeup.
The most remarkable point I want to make in this post is -slowly but surely he has woken up the sexual creature in me. The one who doesn’t hide behind a narcotic mirage. The one who allows me to lay back and enjoy. Reciprocation comes naturally.
He doesn’t leave me dry.
He does leave me high.
I want to feel.
I want to orgasm.
I work with him to orgasm.
It’s taken a long time to get me to start to let go. I stopped looking for sexual pleasure from men a long time ago.
We made love last night. I let him go down on me. I led him with the movement of my hips to help us find that place where I feel I don’t want to pull away. I don’t have to make an excuse that I can’t go through with this.
My body didn’t suddenly say “Get to the bathroom you need to pee”.
I’m learning the fun in teasing back.
We both get what we want
He throws me about.
His teeth finds a nipple
I cried out – no, not in pain but in desire.
I trust him.
He respects my body. That is why I am able to experiment with him and enjoy myself.
I finally see a male body as sexy -not as something repulsive.Not something that will hurt me. Something I don’t want to look at.
I admire every inch of my soul mate. I find my eyes fixating on his body when he knows I’m not looking. Hair wet, straight out of the bath. Where did this lust, this stir come from?
He is kind of hot. That helps 😉
I find myself wanting to love him back. To trace out parts of his body, I never want to forget. So I can go back and explore those parts more.
I drew the long stick. No innuendos, please.
I have found my expectations let me down all the time. I’ve learnt the less I expect and the more I let go- the more I gain. It does require consistent practice.
Another example. I woke up this morning feeling free after my last post and laying my feelings down bare. I woke up to people who read and understood.I woke up to a surprise. I expected nothing. People liked what I was almost too ashamed to put into words. I have gained new friends. All I had to do was speak the truth, Translate what my heart and mind really says. All I had to do was let go and be myself.
This is when I truly connect to like-minded people – The whole reason. I started out on this quest.
Thank you for accepting me.