Monthly Archives: Feb 2016

Why her heart has to be indiffferent

Aaaaaaaaargh! I have been putting off this post for a while. I mean the one guy that should love me at all costs.

You were the first real man I knew  not some boy but a real man.

I tell myself I have dealt with the indifference. Yet, as soon as I find a way to make contact again. I let all my pride go and open my heart and soul to you. I do it publicly on social media websites. I end up looking pathetic but I don’t care.

I post things like:

I hope you will forgive me  one day so  we can build up a better relationship

or I  tag you hoping you will comment back.

I am looking after your queen. I won’t let you down. 

 I comment on those silly quizzes you do  that pop up on Facebook, like

WHAT NATIONALITY SHOULD YOU BE? –

 ME: You got you look like a Spaniard – haha!  funny I got I should be  American (silence)

New comment from a friend:  I got Portuguese 

You to friend : you look Portuguese

I don’t want anything from you . Okay that is a lie. I only want a bit of your time, a few words once a few years.

She warned me not to go there again. I wasn’t prepared to have my heart  broken again.Well, not broken but pumping with less voracity than before.

I know I wasn’t the most affable of characters all those years back. I mean what did I know at 12, 15 years old? 24 years old ?  Not much.

Yet, that was when you first turned your back on me.

I know I have mental health issues and to you it’s all just,

DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA

 A heads up? It’s not been a fucking picnic or tropical island holiday for me either.

Do you ever think about me?

What do you feel when you look at a picture of me? Do you look at pictures of me?

Are you so distant with everyone?  We’ve been drunk and stoned together and you are a legend at Karaoke . Over the years, I  have seen how you make everyone laugh…

Why don’t you talk to me when I Skype? I know I fall way down the bottom of  the  hierarchy chain of the many  girls in your life.

 To have a slice of your heart…

Well, of what is left to give. Is that what it is? You haven’t got any more heart to give?

I don’t want much… a few words, a phone call – no maybe that is too much..

Okay ,what about a teeny tiny interest in my life on social media perhaps… You live so far away  and it’s my only source of contact.

Why do you reply to other peoples comments on what you post but not mine?

Why don’t you reply to my emails?

I’m  not bad. I’m actually a fucking awesome person. Why can’t the past stay where it is.

Don’t judge me.

I don’t judge you.

I thought I had closed the door on ever having a chance with you again. I opened it again three months ago,, feeling we were  in a more equal position. Me being older and you being older – wiser they say..

Never mind, I have  googled the meaning for indifference again and read it out loud,to  remind myself.

I can’t make you love me or want to contact me. I know you are going through  hard times – if you must know-

we all do .

Maybe if you decided to chat properly with me I could make you laugh. We may find out we have more in common than you think.

Done with this post.  Finally got it out of my head. I can move on again.

No blame.

Never blame.

I am an adult and I choose to be happy.

I don’t resent you.

I am curious to know you.

am sure if you let me closer, you would find I actually like you and love you- unconditionally.

But it is cool.

You are over there and I am over here.

Living our lives.

Your blood runs through my veins.

 Nothings changed and that is cool too.

Indifference it is then.

thoughts about Transformation

 Monday – a perfect excuse for a short rant. I’m a massive fan of The Originals  series.  Watched 10 episodes of season three on Saturday – DATE NIGHT – in the Willows household.

It’s a supernatural series so inevitably tarot cards would eventually pop up. What pisses me off is the ‘death’ card; is always seen as the symbolic message that bad things are about to happen for the characters. This applies to every series and movie that uses this symbol to imply upcoming doom and gloom.  I know it’s the movie industries way of collectively connecting the viewer. I’m still going to rant and give you a lesson in the true meaning of the ‘Death’ grim reaper symbol used in Tarot card decks.

When I used to read Tarot cards, I didn’t see them as something mystical but something more scientific. -more psychological.

“The most powerful sources of information come from within; the Tarot aids in coming in contact with one’s Higher Self.THE HERMETIC ORDER OF THE GOLDEN DAWN

Jung believed that the “collective unconsciousness is the foundation of what the ancients called ‘the sympathy of all things'”. For Jung, the human psyche lived in three separate parts: the conscious, the personal unconscious and the collective unconscious. Archetypes, powerful universal figures and symbols live in the personal and collective unconscious, shaping our perceptions and experiences.http://indigointentions.com/modern_psychology_tarot.htm

The Tarot is divided into Major and Minor arcana- There are 22 Major arcana which draws on Archetypes- death being but one. For more information UNDERSTANDING TAROT CARDS

*TAROT CARDS ARE NOT EVEN MEANT TO BE USED TO PREDICT THE FUTURE*

In a Tarot reading, these powerful archetypes work together to create a pattern or a message that allows the questioner to understand and sort out their difficulties. Like many other oracles, their powerful symbols can also demonstrate to the reader the feelings or ideas that are lurking just below the surface of their conscious mind. The symbolism of the Tarot can be a gentler way to bring the questioner in touch with feelings they may be refusing to acknowledge.http://indigointentions.com/modern_psychology_tarot.htm

Archetypes can help a reader makes sense of the symbols in their life. It can be a therapeutic method identifying with an Archetype -a person can understand more about their situation and know how to bring out their symbolic strengths and be aware of their symbolic weaknesses.

  We all have the ability to be a Warrior, Magician or Mother- archetypes evolve as we do.http://indigointentions.com/modern_psychology_tarot.html

So what does the DEATH archetype mean?

bigstock-hand-drawn-tarot-deck-major-a-29085833-300x468

Major Arcana:DeathThe image of Death can be celebrated or feared depending on your culture or custom.  Viewed by some as a punishment and others are a natural part of life, Death (and the Grim Reaper) are symbols that have very strong reactions.  Whether you see Death as a force to be fought against or as a marker of change, there is no denying that transformation and renewal are a part of Death.Many modern Tarot decks have changed the name of the 13 card in the Major Arcana from Death to Transformation to make it less worrisome.  Whether you view Death as an ending or a time of change, there is still the pain of letting things go and the excitement of new opportunities.

See nothing to worry about.

The Grim Reaper dance of happiness

*DISCLAIMER – I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT ANYONE ATTEMPT SELF SUICIDE -IN FACT THIS POST’S MESSAGE IS COMPLETELY THE OPPOSITE*

SECRET TO HAPPINESS: Embrace your mortality

TRADITION: Dia de Muertos  ( day of the dead)

DATE: 1st and 2nd of November

CELEBRATED IN: Mexico

Death- the greatest paradox of all. We know it will happen to us all but we don’t know what will happen after.  What a topic for Monday morning! Maybe it is apt, you may feel like death today. Jokes aside. A lot of us a petrified of the unknown. Fear stops us from moving forward and letting go.

Maybe some of you have not given much thought about your own mortality but I am sure that you have thought about losing people you love. I have and it terrifies me. I don’t know how I will be able to live when my own mother or father dies. Thoughts like these – can cause anxiety and depression which leaves no space for us to enjoy life.

Us humans are a resourceful bunch and have invented beliefs and faiths about what awaits us when we leave our mortal body.

Today the spinning globe makes a pit stop at mexico.   Mexico’s Dia de los Muertos.

The origin of this festival started way back – pre Hispanic times. The tradition carried on to the present day is that death and life are parallel. When a person dies they are not lost but can come back and visit their earth home as ghosts.

These ghosts are welcomed by Mexico’s earth dwellers. Tempted by offerings of candles, food, flowers and the opportunity to celebrate with their family and friends.

After the feast – there is a mass trip to the cemetery to clean up relatives graves and re -decorate them. The event is a happy one. It is not morbid and sad.

There is usually a parade of inflated life size costumes of skeletons with smiling faces ready to party. They get into the groove with a little help from  Mexico’s very own professional ensemble of musical artistes known as the MARIACHI BAND.  There are fun fair rides for children and adults alike. Shops sell cakes in the shapes of  skulls,coffins and skeleton . What a wonderful way to help children grow up not fearing the idea  of  death.

MESSAGE: No, we don’t all believe in the after life but what an awesome way to give your deceased loved ones the greatest send off. It is a way of remembering your loved ones and in turn you will not being forgotten.  APPRECIATE THE DAYS YOU HAVE LEFT IN THIS LIFE! Death must not be feared. It should be seen as the ultimate act of true FREEDOM.

(Image sourced from Google images)