thoughts about – anorexic mindset
I don’t know if I am the only person who thinks this: but I hate it when I want to type something and I can’t think of a single thing to type. I’v posted so much about my Anorexia, I am bored with it. It is not 100% bored with me. I am back up to a normal weight. I finally have more energy to work out. It’s one of my greatest coping mechanisms. I need to do it every day but I don’t go on for hours at a time. I really want to help people who are struggling and give them tips on how I manage and how I carry on fighting.
I have a great psychiatrist and C.P.N. – I didn’t think he was so great when he sectioned me but he understands my addictive nature and understands that me wanting to stop the benzos needs to come from me. I am an all or nothing girl. I went from 100 laxatives a day in 2009 to nothing the next day. I haven’t looked back.I stopped smoking cigs in Feb 2015 (admittedly I vape now-still better than all the crap in cigs)
I have my husband to be who doesn’t smoke, drink or take drugs. He is always telling me how beautiful and sexy I am. He tells me he loves me several times a day. I found a true rare diamond.. I had to sink very low in the ocean with male fish to find him. well we kind of found each other. He is my own blue diamond salvaged from the titanic. He has broken through the ice berg that is my façade and I am finally me again. A better version.
I don’t abuse my medication any more. No crazy overdoses. No drugs and at the moment I have given up drinking until my wedding in June.
I have a daughter. She is my world. I want more children. I don’t want the cycle of self harm to continue.
I have more respect for others and most importantly for myself.
I have responsibilities
My blog is another of my coping mechanisms. It’s great to connect with others and to have people follow me. What a compliment and a confidence boost.
I’ve realised that being real and looking natural and not superficial is more beautiful than any model in a magazine. Celebs you can keep your job! I’ve got to that point where my facebook profile is of me when I just woke up. Birds nest hair, sleep still in my .eyes. I still see some beauty in that picture.
These changes have slowly built me up to be the character I am today. I know in my recent posts I have been bigging myself up. But who else is going to pat me on the back?
Faking it until I make it has helped me be more positive – I recommend mantras – they can be so powerful.
I sound like I have a perfect life. I don’t. I’m poor money wise. I have a small council home and make the best of what I have. I have ruined my teeth due to my illness and drug-taking. I still have to weigh myself twice a day. I have a Dad and a sister and two nieces who live in Africa and I don’t have any kind of relationship with him. I can’t go back in time and show my granddad who I am today. I find it hard to cry. I have thoughts of am I putting on weight? and I panic. I still have safe and unsafe foods. There are a lot of materialistic things I desire, clothes etc..
But, most importantly I have my family and friends and I can’t put a value on them. I know I am getting older and so are the people I love and care about. Death and illness seem closer and I don’t want to lose anyone. I have already lost my aunt to cancer in Feb 2015
I don’t know how to end this post but I wish I knew exactly what can change a persons mind set. I wish people didn’t have to suffer.
Posted on Jan 26, 2016, in MY BRAIN -MY THOUGHTS and tagged Death, Family matters, Living with Mental illness, Mental Wellbeing, mortality, MY WORLD, self harm, self image, slow suicide, Thoughts. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.