The optimistic Anorexic
I know I have been going on and on about my Anorexia lately but what else can I do but pour out all my stress in my head out and down onto paper ( well a post) I have started eating again and yes, the scales have gone up by 2 kilos. I do feel anxious and think the scales are going to go up and up and up and up – you get the picture. Since eating food again I have finally got my strength back. I have the energy to exercise again which means I can eat stuff I enjoy and fingers crossed not put on weight. I still am holding back with portions etc.. but I feel alive again. Anorexia had started to take all my confidence again and I didn’t think I could work in the volunteer sector any more. I had started to become paranoid and my thoughts came out in jumbled sentences . I was forgetting how to communicate. I felt like a failure.
But, the silver lining is I keep on fighting. I didn’t resort to old coping mechanisms such as using coffee, chewing gum, pepsi max and other vices to kill my appetite. If I had chosen to go down that route then I might as well have built myself a coffin. The truth I am stronger than my illness. I’ve accomplished so much in four years. I have a lot of living to do and being skeletal is not a part of that journey.
Of course, I want to be lean and toned. I want to be healthy. I don’t know what has happened but there has been a shift in my mind set. I wish I could tell you how I have done it. I suppose seeing what life is like on the other side of a despondent hell has helped me a lot. My family have helped me. I’m stubborn and wilful but I guess that has been my anchor. My life raft. These traits are being used for a more positive reason.
I read a lot of posts where people with mental health issues are suffering so much. They don’t have the support and help they need. Here is me with an almost perfect little family, my health- I am not in a wheel chair or have problems so severe I can’t keep healthy and fit. I am not some idiot. I am articulate and smart. I am ambitious and a go getter. This is my true nature. Not some vile, putrid anorexic that cowardly hides behind a mask . I got my medication change and I do feel better. It may just be a placebo but it works for me. It has helped get me back on equal footing with the world.
I’m feeling optimistic again. I am going places and with one blow the candle goes out and I can turn the volume down on those voices- trying to lure me like Odysseus’ sirens. I’m navigating my way around the rocky depths of Scylla’s cave. I’m on my way home- to reconnect with my Penelope- my soul, my pure self. My most loyal self. The self who has never let me down.