What is my definition of crazy ? self sabotage.
I am finally in the loop- getting ready to put all my experience into helping others and guess what? My brain decides it is a good time to cut back on food, obsess over 0.53 grams and some. My brain gets a buzz from seeing the numbers fall. My partner thinks I look sexy as hell. Doesn’t he see I have lost nearly 7 kilos in three weeks? How is that possible?
I know it is no real weight loss, I am well versed in this Nervosa.
I just don’t get it. 8 years since my last hospital admission. I have a child. I am getting married. I have a BA with honours in the Arts and the humanities. I like myself. I like my personality. I think I’m a good looking girl because of my flaws – the gap in my teeth makes me attractive.
My passion in the volunteer sector has raised my profile 100 % fold. I thought getting a first in ‘creative writing’ couldn’t top any other success. It topped the epic success with my Anorexic history.
Everything that I have done in the past four years has been a success. I’ve made it. I’m in the inner circle. I have been ordained and been given permission and guidance to help others wanting support in their recovery in their own Eating disorders. I have four months, if that, to get my shit together. Anorexia has decided to toy with me.
Here is my theory on what I think: for most of my life I felt I was only really successful with Anorexia. Now I finally have the key to freedom and success in ways I never dreamed possible and the bones of Anorexia’s success have resurrected from the grave and have started to rattle my skeleton to the core. I have stopped eating. Well, I’m severely restricted my eating. The misery of hunger is what drives me to type. When I am not hungry and not eating I am winning! What?
Why am I self sabotaging myself?
Someone told me once that some people are so afraid of success they run away from it.
No. I am not going to be the one that runs away any more. This weed- me – Daisy needs to get away from the pansies and to turn my face to the sun and bloom again.
I just have to figure out how…
Posted on 2016-01-12, in MY BRAIN -MY THOUGHTS, THIS IS LIFE, Write to create and tagged Eating Disorders, Life, Living with Mental illness, self harm, self image, self-sabotage, slow suicide, the monster inside. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.