What is my definition of crazy ? self sabotage.
I am finally in the loop- getting ready to put all my experience into helping others and guess what? My brain decides it is a good time to cut back on food, obsess over 0.53 grams and some. My brain gets a buzz from seeing the numbers fall. My partner thinks I look sexy as hell. Doesn’t he see I have lost nearly 7 kilos in three weeks? How is that possible?
I know it is no real weight loss, I am well versed in this Nervosa.
I just don’t get it. 8 years since my last hospital admission. I have a child. I am getting married. I have a BA with honours in the Arts and the humanities. I like myself. I like my personality. I think I’m a good looking girl because of my flaws – the gap in my teeth makes me attractive.
My passion in the volunteer sector has raised my profile 100 % fold. I thought getting a first in ‘creative writing’ couldn’t top any other success. It topped the epic success with my Anorexic history.
Everything that I have done in the past four years has been a success. I’ve made it. I’m in the inner circle. I have been ordained and been given permission and guidance to help others wanting support in their recovery in their own Eating disorders. I have four months, if that, to get my shit together. Anorexia has decided to toy with me.
Here is my theory on what I think: for most of my life I felt I was only really successful with Anorexia. Now I finally have the key to freedom and success in ways I never dreamed possible and the bones of Anorexia’s success have resurrected from the grave and have started to rattle my skeleton to the core. I have stopped eating. Well, I’m severely restricted my eating. The misery of hunger is what drives me to type. When I am not hungry and not eating I am winning! What?
Why am I self sabotaging myself?
Someone told me once that some people are so afraid of success they run away from it.
No. I am not going to be the one that runs away any more. This weed- me – Daisy needs to get away from the pansies and to turn my face to the sun and bloom again.
I just have to figure out how…
Posted on Jan 12, 2016, in MY WORLD, SELF HELP FOR SANITY and tagged Eating Disorders, Life, Living with Mental illness, self harm, self image, self-sabotage, slow suicide, the monster inside. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.