So my other post was about meeting up with my past.The haunting I thought it would be a great idea to meet up with a past of 4/5 years ago.

Of course, I had the money to give the down and out a good time. What more can a person want? No special plans for new years eve and the opportunity to get out with no money with an alright looking girl.  We ended up at his dad’s house. he has no home again; drunk/ high and fucking each other senseless.

I can’t even remember half of it. Why did I give my time and money and thoughts and body to a seriously fucked up individual? He ended up throwing me out of his dad’s house. I was a fucking psycho, apparently. He was going to ring the police. I trashed his dad’s house. I don’t know if I did this. He was pretty off his head too. I should have known that lorazepam/ weed and spirits were probably not a great concoction or one of my greatest decisions.

Why feel the need to revisit a past that wasn’t fulfilling from the start??

What was going to be so different this time? It was worse. It was no fantasy. Pure greed- pure lashings to the ego. I walked home on new years day -brand new phone lost. Money lost. Dignity lost. I walked home in the early hours of the morning to have to face my partner and tell him I had been unfaithful.

My Mom had to take my daughter. I was a mess – still drinking and wanting to take a bunch of pills. How can I allow myself to be disrespected?  I  even paid for it.  I paid a 28-year-old puny parasite to keep me company on new years eve? Fucking sucker and glutton for punishment. He was totally right in his summing up of himself. He hurt everyone he touched. For the past four years, I have felt true love. Maybe it has something to do with me needing a more dominant partner in the bed but that is no excuse for wanting to fuck up on new years with another guy. What is it all about?

What is all this self-destruction about? Why do I crave the bad…

The past is now an ex-junkie who is very far removed from the Greek god type character I remember. I thought we could flirt;be friends. It wasn’t meant to go so far.

It did go so far

To the point I don’t know if I lost it.

My husband to be forgives me. A sigh of relief! but do I feel deserving of this? hell no!

I am his queen still.. He loves me- in spite of everything.

This bullshit nostalgia,impulsive desire to be adored by all is going to get left in 2015. Day two of 2016. No more trying to save people from my past and need thee need to feel desired by it. I need to look a the love and family I have now.

I have a new life. So much to embrace this year.

Lumps of guilt that needs to be slept off and then we start over.

Yes, I have the love of good man time to act like I am deserving of such love.

Nothing will ever be as good as new and the future. The past is what it is.

I am better than my past. I have come so far. So good luck Mr down and out. The guy who gets bottled and in fights all the time, the one who can’t pull his life together. I had to. I fight every day to be a better person. I screwed up but the lesson is learned.

The guilt will go…… it has to.