Betrayed by Mental health colleague
FYI All the information about my childhood was used against me when I fought to get my daughter out of social care from 2011-15.
Social services tried to use my childhood/mental illness as one reason for (possibly) emotionally neglecting my child hen she is 13, 70, 21 100 – never.
The charities I volunteered with back then knew of my story. My story was the Unique Selling Point. My story and organising workshops (and doing more than my fair share) led to at least two more anti-stigma workshop bookings.
Equals revenue and proves that their service works – and makes it less hard to get ongoing funding from ( there is a book you can buy if you have £99 ‘A-Z’ of funding bodies who give grants to charities.
Little did I know a “colleague” or equal,on 22/012/2017 would decide make a decision that I will post more of in 2018.
It all sounds crazy and confusing in this post. I don’t even know how I am able to cope. Oh wait, I’ve fought bigger institutions – yes, I do believe that Bigger, well known, well-funded charities ( with “expert” ahem.. sometimes bullshit, useless, wing it till you make it information ) can become the antithesis of what their mission statement and values and initial cause is or professes to be.
How can we break down stigma and ignorance when we are still fighting it and dealing with it in the places people seek out when they need support?
In my case: A query for advice and support about a specific theme related to my finances.
The ugly truth about volunteering in the U.K. is but one focus for 2018.
Heads up to all the local folk who read this. Swat up and prepare for battle.
I’m not one to back down. Give up or lose. I have something money can’t buy- passion, integrity, honesty, insight and gumption.
Two social workers have clarified to me that this “helpful” employee didn’t follow full protocol when deciding to ring Social services about my distressed state.
In plain Daisy in the willows style-
oops.. This employee FUCKED UP and almost – but didn’t tip me over the edge.
I haven’t blogged a lot recently due to many reasons.
To quote one social worker whom I spoke with today ‘ You are an amazing lady. I don’t know how you do it’
Let these people hide behind policies etc..
There is so much more ….
I have the truth- my honesty is my greatest strength and my downfall.
I use my support and I communicate and say what I need help with.
Durr! otherwise, I won’t get better will I?
Fighting for my rights, my family and for my voice to be heard, and for me to be given the respect I give others is what keeps me alive.
I’m not another statistic
I’m not about to leave my child without a mother.
I am allowed to say I feel like disappearing because I am overwhelmed- #pyschology101
It’s the equivalent to a person with an eating disorder (ahem..) saying ‘I’m fat instead of expressing an emotion.
I shall stop here. I feel better for getting it out. I am allowed to write and express myself- creatively. Writing is being creative and is a wellness tool -I use to keep me well enough for myself and my daughter and my mother.
It terrifies me. Truly it does. The possible answer that will make me feel whole and well again. Makes me think I don’t have what it takes. I hate seeing these kind of negative statements and knowing I have typed them. I want to get back to writing and doing what is in my blood.
In my non blog life I have gone down the volunteer route. I have been inching myself further to a place where I truly belong and can reach my full potential . Bring it on ‘Healthy minds’ and ‘Hope’. I am terrified but I will give you all my passion and determination to make a difference.
Expectations scare me. I feel I have an enormous amount of drive and passion to give, but I’m scared that when it comes to facing the people that are making a difference I will be cast out and not be of much use at all. I don’t just want to be a service user -I want to be working in services and getting shit done. I haven’t been about to blog or type much about my thoughts at all this past week. I’ve got so much to tell you. I can go on about an abortion I had and how it all came about. I can tell you I have self harmed myself since as long as I can remember. Drugs. loads of experiences there. I could tell you about my tales with the Nigerians, or the police officer who saved me from the Nigerian drug dealers. Or being so out my mind and waking up in a place I don’t know with some one using my body, in the same way I could see the women on the TV. being used. Degrading porn. I could tell you about living in squalor with various drug dealers and living in luxury and 5*** hotels. All geared up to turn me into a prostitute.
I could tell you about the ‘crack room’ and the crack grooming and how a Lady who had become a prostitute, over dosed and was lumped on the junk heap like a discarded used condom. I can tell you about the police captain that tried to bribe me with money for sexual favours. I can tell you about what living like an Anorexic and heavy 30 pill a day mandrax addict for over two years, isolated form my family and friends, felt like. I can tell you about the various people even drug dealers who tried to help me. This life style was never for me. I can tell you about living in hospitals for months on end being fed to put on weight. I can tell about having a person watch you and be at your side 24/7 for months on end is like.
I can tell you about the guilt I feel over being sexually abused or raped numerous times from the age of 5 up until recent years. I can tell you about my upbringing and what it felt like. I don’t like to talk about my Mom or Dad for fear of upsetting them with my thoughts of what I felt like as a child. I know life is hard and I can’t blame anyone. I can tell you when I started cutting myself , overdosing and starving myself. Taking laxatives. Wanting to see 0 kgs on the scale. I can tell you how I have tried to fit in but never felt able. I can tell how I have always felt just that little bit on guard and distant with everyone. A bit off the radar of accepting societies boundaries.
I can tell you about violence felt at a young age and I can tell you about history repeating itself and being in a violent relationship with multiple levels of abuse. I can tell you about fighting a institutional system to get my child back in my care. I can tell about lies, failure, deceit and family secrets that can never be told. I would be cast aside by my family. I will! I can tell you about me at this present moment that I am pushing to make my uncle admit he is a serious alcoholic and if he doesn’t he has to go on the streets. I shouldn’t be ‘betraying’ my family with what I write. Why must others shame be my betrayal? None of these experiences I have mentioned are happy so for now I can’t post this…. I must balance this out.
TWO MONTHS LATER…..
So, why don’t I write about this>
I’ve had this as a draft for months now.
Don’t want pity.. I want to talk about the good things in life too. How life is today. My beautiful daughter is the poster advertising all that I have done right in this world. I worry that I won’t be heard ,but then I think how did I get a blog and people to like what I had to write in the first place. I wrote and it happened. So what do I have to do to continue to feel understood? I must write. No more fear about what I have to say.
Blogging is the greatest diary of them all. If I carry on thinking my posts are not important, then I will never write again! I will never know what happens if I push myself further and further. It’s too easy to stay in my comfort zone.. I don’t do easy- not even on a Sunday morning…
So in time I will post about all these experiences and more and then I will feel free to write about all the positives too. Maybe then my thoughts will grow quieter. Less dark and sombre..
there is only one way to find out…..
silver linings and all that …
Quick – change topic- something merrier, perhaps?
Doesn’t it suck that I’m not looking forward to Christmas?
Posted on Dec 13, 2015, in WRITE TO RECOVER and tagged Emotions, Fears, GO THORUGH ALL OF THESE, Goals, Mental health Anti Stigma, mental health awareness, mental health charities, MY WORLD, WRITE TO RECOVER. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.