Monthly Archives: Dec 2015

The text that came back to haunt me

What do you do when the past comes back to haunt you?

It’s the kind of haunting you tell to sit down.

It comes in the form of a young man, not even 19 years old. Hair blonde and curly -blue eyes and a face as bright as Apollo.

5 months of crazy sex. Talking and Listening to a mind so intriguing and brilliant that you never want him to shut up. We spoke with music – who could find the best song that summed up our feelings.

Yes, the arrogance is there all right Yet, he unfolds it with such charm you can’t help but see more good than bad in it. That smile disarms all previous arrogant displays.

Since seeing him again, I haven’t been able to get him out of mind. I’ve tried going to sleep early, taking my sleeping meds.  I can’t seem to not want to read his texts. His thoughts on how he really feels and felt about me.

My suspicious nature knows he is down and out. Not in a good place.  I think he quite possibly is using me as a diversion for the state of his life now. The one he wishes to re-build. The one I want him to rebuild.

I love hearing how much he actually liked me. The things he remembers. The things he wants to do to me/with me. Back then, I didn’t think he thought of me as anything than a fuck of mind and body. Apparently, he always wanted me one way or the other. He apologizes for having unresolved feelings for me.

He dominated me. I could not say no. I was drunk too. I didn’t want to say no I wanted to submit.  I loved fucking him on the kitchen counter. We couldn’t make time to reach it to the bedroom. It turned me on. It was wild, animistic, raw. Euphoric.  It was drunk sex.

Hundreds of texts have been going back and forth. I pushed him away all those years ago. I thought he was taking the piss. Using me. He did It didn’t end well. He was genuinely hurt. I felt bad but I was too stubborn to run after him and ask him what he felt..

At that time I don’t think I wanted to hear what he thought. If I knew it was going to be what he tells me today, life could have ended up very different for us.

Like attracts like. A lesson I seem to see over and over again. This has happened before with another one I let go of.

We are all so similar we three have the same traits. Impulsive, wild, hedonistic.

Craving for the good times to roll and roll and roll. One of us will make sure we always keep it rolling.

I want him. I do. I shake my head. Try and scream at him in my mind to go. He won’t go. 4/5 years later he is a man with scars. I too am a woman with many scars. I’ve come out on top. I have the perfect family. I’m getting married in 2016. We may not have a lot of money but we are a family- a happy one.

My partner is one of the good guys. He is loved by everyone. He is gentle and kind. He looks after my daughter better than I could. He tells me he loves me multiple times a day. He doesn’t really dominate. He treats the sexual part of our life and me with kid gloves. I know I should be an adult and sit down and tell him.

I don’t.

Instead, I find others like me. I don’t need to explain to them. They already know instinctively what they want and crave and they take and I take. My partner gives- and gives and gives. We go for months with no sex. I know he wants more but I don’t tell him I want more. Isn’t that messed up?

How can I ever tell him I have let him down once and considering a second time.

What is wrong with me?

My life is finally heading in the right direction -jobs and opportunities are opening that involve everything I want to be a part of. I want to work with people with addictions and mental health issues and homelessness. I feel I have a lot of skills to offer. I’m slowly doing the training to get my skills.

I’ve been headhunted for a potential job post that I couldn’t even dream up in my mind. It involves everything I want to do.

I sit here typing, smoking- I can’t see the words I have typed for all the smoke – creating a fog.  Anxious pulls on my E vape- more fog. I was so very wild then. I miss some of that part of me.

I can’t go backwards. Well, I can. That would be true madness. I could lose everything – my daughter my partner. Yet, the one that got away won’t leave my mind. I got to bed early and wake up pulling the pillow over my head.

Why now? Why not then?

Is it all mind games? My partner trusts me to go out with my past on new years eve. He never questions me. He trusts me as much as I trust him.

I wish I could reach out to him. Tell him what is going on in my head. Work through this muddle together. I find it easier to crawl back into my safe shell. The one that could potentially detonate like a  giant suicide snail terrorist bomber. I feel the slime of guilt weeping out of every orifice.

I can’t get back to sleep. I had to write. Writing is the only way I know to let out the shit flying around my mind.

For now I wait for a text from my past. One that allows me to bathe in my ego or I fight these thoughts, fight the past and leave it well alone.

I have responsibilities these days. I’m nearly 10 years older than my past haunting. I also have an ego that can’t help but be flattered. Maybe if my past and my present were on even ground then my choices would be easier.

Is text flirting cheating? I feel the guilt so it must be -yet I crave more and more… Forever an addict to the dizzy heights of euphoria.

 

 

2015 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,000 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 17 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Drugs.

love this blog- always an inspiring read.

Of life she writes.

If It’s the only thing that doesn’t hurt.

If It’s really the only thing that saves you from yourself – and everything else for that matter.

Then why do I still feel like I’m drowning?

I want to save myself too.

I want to find the cure for this disease that I developed and I don’t know how

I don’t know how to find it, where to search

Hell, I don’t even know where to start.

What do I even say?

It’s almost like I’ve lost every single idea or thought that could possibly help me.

It kind of sucks.

But I have given up on the idea of being saved.

I’ve given up on the thought that someone’s going to come into my life one day and prick me with the syringe full of the cure for this disease

And I’ve come to terms that I will most likely…

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