What are your triggers?

Week nine already. I’ve had a bit of a hectic month. Any NaNoWriMos who read this will know my pain. End of another month. In a few weeks, our three-month WRAP course will be over! What am I going to do with my Wednesday mornings? This is a rather late update. Apologies!

So, let’s get down tonight and make this a Wrap to remember

( humming  to  that cheesy song that I don’t know the title to)

Week 9 and as promised we went back to click here for a link to triggers and we action planned one. This trigger is a more generalised trigger, in the context, that most people can relate to this situation

THE TRIGGER:

Dealing with difficult people. This can be your boss, your ex – anybody.

now that we have identified what the trigger is -It becomes 100% easier to brainstorm ideas of how we can respond to and deal with these triggers. There are plenty of techniques I’ve learned over the weeks and some of those have made it onto MY EARLY WARNING SIGN LIST- DO YOU HAVE ONE TOO?. If you can bounce ideas off with someone supportive do try that too. A problem shared and halved and all that jazz!

The most important advice I took with me from this weeks session is too practice a wise-mind. Be mindful. Try and find some peace in that small place where your emotional part of your brain overlaps with your rational part of the brain.

Another technique I learned about is what is called Non-Violent Communication.

The Basics of Non-violent Communication (NVC)

Most of us have been educated from birth to compete, judge, demand and diagnose — to think and communicate in terms of what is “right“ and “wrong“ with people.

We express our feelings in terms of what another person has “done to us.” We struggle to understand what we want or need in the moment, and how to effectively ask for what we want without using unhealthy demands, threats or coercion. As founder of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. says,

“What others do may be a stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.”

– Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.,
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

So how can we communicate in this more compassionate way?

1. Identify the trigger/problem. and ask how it makes you feel. This is where you start identifying your feelings with I-language. Ask yourself: What has happened? (try to stick with facts and not opinion a person is more able to listen)

Example: When you called me an ass hole on the front of our son..

2.State how you feel 😦 talk about your hurt feelings as opposed to your angry feelings) I feel like my son won’t respect me. I feel like I’m doing it all wrong.

3. How can I change the way I communicate? you need to identify your needs and not what you want the other person to do

because I need my son to respect me and I need to him to know I love him and I am his father but that he must respect me as I respect him

4. make a request. How can I do this? From my feelings, I have identified what I need from dealing with a difficult person.The request needs to be something you would like from the other person rather than to stop them doing)

Would you be willing to stop calling me an ass hole in front of our son’

Okay, I know that I don’t have power over how other people react but I have power over how I respond. The most important person to worry about is YOU!  Your mental health – we all have it. bad or good.  It is of paramount importance.

Ooh, we got quite psycho babbley ( new word) this week, which kind of freaks me out but never fear because our lovely co facilitators took away the jargon and gave us a little bit of insight into how people behave. I  expand a bit more on this on  WEEK 9 WRAP CAM This is one theory among many. For super boffs you can read in depth  all about it  under the following link

THE DRAMA TRIANGLE- TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS THEORY

For those of us who want a simple understanding of what ‘the drama triangle’ is and how it works  check out the link below. Please be mindful that the drama triangle in this clip is used in the context of the working environment. It can also  be interpreted into all our relationships -work and non working life.

BASIC SHORT CLIP OF HOW THE DRAMATIC TRIANGLE WORKS

 In our group session we adapted the three roles as:

The hero – is the rescuer

The Villian – is the persecutor

The Victim– is still the victim.

In I expand on how these roles are formed and how we keep ourselves in the drama triangle. There is an abundance of research on transactional analysis theory and the Drama triangle.

It is important to have a basic understanding of how it works. WHY?

 So that we can become aware of when we  think we are starting to slip into these roles and also how to respond to another person who is in one of the three role.

The main point for me is to know what traits each role player has and how to get out of that role or change how I respond in that role.

A persecutor needs to become the assertive person . This person

  • stops denying that that they hurt, reject or punish others
  • Be assertive. Not aggressive. Express your needs and feelings whilst maintains respect for others.
  • Stop blaming and shaming. Learn from mistakes.
  • Stop judging others.Accept other people can have differences. Appreciate the fact that you can have your ideas and others can have theirs.
  • Mind your own business

A rescuer should aim to move to being a caring person

  • Stop basing your self esteem on helping others
  • Help people. Without letting them become dependant on you.tell  the victim that they are the best person to work out their own shit.
  • Stop feeling sorry for people. Stop enabling by giving money, advice or support.
  • Ask the victim how you can help them.  What do they want from you?
  • Be empathetic not sympathetic -share your experiences – put yourself in their shoes don’t tell them what to do with advice. You don’t know what it is really like for a person who is going through a rough time in whatever context.
  • Set limits/ boundaries on your caring
  • SAY NO

A victim should aim to move to a more vulnerable role.

  • Admit your own vulnerability and pain without lashing out at every other person but yourself
  • Stop expecting people to rescue you and tell people you don’t need a hero to rescue you.
  • Think and problem solve  for yourself. Ask for help if you need it. Be assertive not passive
  • Build your self-belief and your self esteem by taking action yourself. Recognise that you have the power and can use it appropriately
  • Walk away from people who don’t respect your boundaries.  Your triggers and feelings are good indicators for knowing when a boundary has been crossed. Your VALUES LIST from week  Five is handy to read over.
  • Accept that you are okay. you are cool.

HOW CAN I/YOU/WE  stay out of the drama triangle?

  • learn how to feel guilty without acting on that feeling of guilt.
  • Listen- without doing anything -the whole two ears one mouth thing applies here.
  • Don’t make assumptions about people. It is hard to not judge. If you are going to judge try and do it with a kind heart.
  • DO NOT underestimate how resourceful people are when they have no alternative choice but to hep themselves
  • Mix with positive and like minded people
  • Set boundaries. Walk away from those who disrespect you. If you need help with identifying boundaries look at your values list.
  • wise-mind – tone down you emotions and try and be objective not subjective and be logical not irrational
  • Be clear and honest about what you need

That is it!  Have an awesome thanks giving Black Friday and weekend.

P.S. I will also update  a small tips guide to over -thinking and social comparison Something else we covered this week.

 

 

 

About Daisy Willows

'Words are my everything' - Jon Wayne . A writer of poetry, stories, stage scripts, fiction, border line poetry & freestyle works, Music reviews, Guest Features/interview & shout outs. She is also passionate about raising anti-stigma & awareness for Mental Health. A trained co-facilitator in Wellness Recovery Action plan by Mary Ellen Copeland Natasha goes by many moniker names-Daisy Willows, bahtuhkid, GOAT2Bdazee. She has had a colourful life. Travelled. Natasha co-owns a second-hand clothing & accessories business -La Bella Bijoux Ltd Natasha was born in South Africa & is a French national. She currently resides in the UK Natasha Bodley holds a postgraduate in the Humanities. A BA in Myth in the Greek and Roman worlds & Advanced creative writing. She also holds a Foundation degree in Acting performance. She is currently working on her first novel (semi-autobiographical creative non-fiction). She has published one short story on Amazon called 'Number one' Connect with Natasha Collaborate with Natasha & feel free to Communicate her too. Light, Peace & Love!

Posted on 2015-11-27, in SELF HELP FOR SANITY, Write to create and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Still beautiful

    I loved this! It’s so helpful?! Sending you love and hugs💗

    Like

  2. That is fantastic to hear. If what I share helps but one person I have succeeded. hgs and love sent straight back to you.

    Like

  1. Pingback: WRAP -WELLNESS RECOVERY ACTION PLAN WEEK 2-12 TOPIC AND PAGE LINKS | Daisy in the Willows

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