Monthly Archives: Nov 2015

Million Women Rise. Wear red and unite

If you haven’t heard of it, then make sure you read this:  MILLION WOMEN RISE If you can’t make the date then help some one else who can but who doesn’t have the money to go. In my own journey on my path in Life-I don’t think I have met one person who doesn’t know someone or hasn’t themselves  been affected by Domestic/ Gender violence, usually perpetrated by men. There is a discussion and place to study increasing reports of violence being perpetrated by women to men. This post is not the place.However, I’m do acknowledge that this is happening . It has been quite hard for me to think about what I am going to put down in this post. I think I am so hesitant: is because I’m scared people don’t want  to hear another sob story of another woman who goes on about her woes with living or experiencing violence with a man.

JESSICA-RABBIT-_2150525b

Because I will wear what I damn well like and I’ll wear it how I want…

 

I have just re- read what I have just typed. That is the exact kind of thinking that keeps the cycle of abuse continuing. This has made my mind up to tell you a part of my experiences  with Domestic violence in all it’s shapes and forms. My story is not a sob story and neither is any other woman’s. My story is another to  add to the brewing pot. Millions of pounds has been spent on Domestic violence in the U.K and a portion of that  has been spent on domestic violence campaigns in the place I live. I know this because I have seen the slick posters  stuck to the back of door in public toilet cubicles in my community. This sounds grim and it is. I don’t see great changes in attitudes from the people  employed by the government to look after a community.

I became a target of Gender violence and instead of getting the support I needed. I was questioned by local authorities. The police treat my case like it was a bunch of kids causing havoc in a sweet shop. ‘Just move along. nothing to see here.’ 

No! This is not enough. There is never an excuse to abuse a woman. Never.

I grew up wanting a different kind of relationship. The first time I was abused by a man was when I was 3-5 years old. Was I to blame for leading on a man with my obvious coquettish behaviour? ( heavy sarcasm here) No, I was innocent not playing a girl trying to be innocent !

In my teens, I  always attracted boys and men who demeaned me. It could be as subtle as saying they want one thing and then doing another. One example one man thought was acceptable was to dump me  repeatedly and then ring me or text me – harass me with his drunk talk about wanting to get back together with me. Effectively playing mind games with me and my emotions.

Another man I went out with tried to control me with money. He was a mild meek man. He did not look at all like your ‘average ‘woman beater. Here is  the news we all should know by now,they don’t have one look and they don’t need to inflict visible bruises or marks.  I think a lot of people still  have this attitude of  ‘well it can’t be that bad cos she stays with him’. Or  ‘what has she said or done to deserve the black eyes?’  as way of summing up Gender Violence.

Women  survivors of Gender violence are vulnerable and they can learn to switch on their bullshit /bad guy radar. Organisations that facilitate groups like THE FREEDOM PROGRAMME (click on the link to find out more) deserve more airtime than it gets.

I always told myself that if I ever found myself in a relationship and a man hit me I would walk away. I was quite firm and adamant with my stance on this subject.

Until of course, a man did hit me. We had an argument. He felt challenged and proceeded to punch me several times in the face. Yes, I looked a mess.

What did I actually do when he assaulted me?

I ran after him. He  ran up the stairs dived into bed refusing to look at me. He cried and I consoled him and told him we could work it out. It would all be okay.  I was unknowingly  pregnant that night – 7 weeks gone- pregnant. This did not stop  him from punching me in the stomach when I was seven months pregnant. It seemed to add fuel to his agenda.

I suppose I acted this way because I didn’t see the early warning signs for what they were for. I didn’t see the subtle manipulation for what it was. I didn’t see his sulky moods,when  I wanted to go  out out and make friends at uni, were his way of isolating me.  I didn’t  see the impact the small  comments  had on me,that slowly chinked away at my already vulnerable self esteem. – ‘Elephant feet’.   ( this is a perfect example. Most people who read this might  not  think this is an insult. I’m being  far too sensitive). Yes,  I am sensitive. Let me tell you what you don’t know.  He also knew I had a severe Eating disorder. Sensitive?  I don’t need a reason to be sensitive. I do expect love and respect form a man/partner.

I didn’t think I could be sexually abused and assaulted by someone I chose to be with. Yes. It does happen. A lot.

I didn’t see how intricate his web was  until I was too tangled in it. I had lost all perspective.  He was so strategic in his method of abuse. Sometimes when I think about that relationship I am repulsed by the thought that went into his many ways of degrading me.

I left the relationship. with nowhere to live, no friends, fed up family members and a daughter in care, with a a self esteem in the minus deficit column, more than it ever had been.  I was in crisis mode with my mental health. I used alcohol and overdosing on prescription medication  to self medicate.

The small intricacies  of my story is not the aim I am getting at in  this post. I’m giving you insight into a few of my experiences. I stumbled upon empowering groups like the freedom program and found myself again. I learned how to make myself less vulnerable. I learned from my experience. Every child/women should be able to access support for any length of time that it takes them to re claim their  true selves.

Save the date – every year. 5 th March  MILLION WOMEN RISE wear red and unite. 2016 will be no different.

This year My local women centre have organised a coach to go from a very small town where I live -to London, U.K. to stand amongst thousands of  other women and say NO MORE!  no excuses. GENDER VIOLENCE IS unacceptable . no buts…

Not everyone can afford to pay the £10 to get on the coach and that is why I’m writing this post. I’m not going to ask you. I think you already know what needs to be done – I’ve booked my seat and paid for another lady who can’t. I don’t know her name or what she looks like because the only thing I think is relevant is that we all bleed the same colour and that is what counts. This is a global event. What are you going to do on the 5 th march 2016? Where are you going to be?  I know where I am going to be.

this is what is happening in my local area  

What is happening in yours? Nothing -well be inspired and get something going. The Million women rise website has loads of ideas to get involved. Get something going in your area. Wherever you live. Whatever continent. whatever city.

Do something ‘crazy’ ! Something you have never done before. Make the leap.

 

 

 

What are your triggers?

Week nine already. I’ve had a bit of a hectic month. Any NaNoWriMos who read this will know my pain. End of another month. In a few weeks, our three-month WRAP course will be over! What am I going to do with my Wednesday mornings? This is a rather late update. Apologies!

So, let’s get down tonight and make this a Wrap to remember

( humming  to  that cheesy song that I don’t know the title to)

Week 9 and as promised we went back to click here for a link to triggers and we action planned one. This trigger is a more generalised trigger, in the context, that most people can relate to this situation

THE TRIGGER:

Dealing with difficult people. This can be your boss, your ex – anybody.

now that we have identified what the trigger is -It becomes 100% easier to brainstorm ideas of how we can respond to and deal with these triggers. There are plenty of techniques I’ve learned over the weeks and some of those have made it onto MY EARLY WARNING SIGN LIST- DO YOU HAVE ONE TOO?. If you can bounce ideas off with someone supportive do try that too. A problem shared and halved and all that jazz!

The most important advice I took with me from this weeks session is too practice a wise-mind. Be mindful. Try and find some peace in that small place where your emotional part of your brain overlaps with your rational part of the brain.

Another technique I learned about is what is called Non-Violent Communication.

The Basics of Non-violent Communication (NVC)

Most of us have been educated from birth to compete, judge, demand and diagnose — to think and communicate in terms of what is “right“ and “wrong“ with people.

We express our feelings in terms of what another person has “done to us.” We struggle to understand what we want or need in the moment, and how to effectively ask for what we want without using unhealthy demands, threats or coercion. As founder of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. says,

“What others do may be a stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.”

– Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.,
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

So how can we communicate in this more compassionate way?

1. Identify the trigger/problem. and ask how it makes you feel. This is where you start identifying your feelings with I-language. Ask yourself: What has happened? (try to stick with facts and not opinion a person is more able to listen)

Example: When you called me an ass hole on the front of our son..

2.State how you feel 😦 talk about your hurt feelings as opposed to your angry feelings) I feel like my son won’t respect me. I feel like I’m doing it all wrong.

3. How can I change the way I communicate? you need to identify your needs and not what you want the other person to do

because I need my son to respect me and I need to him to know I love him and I am his father but that he must respect me as I respect him

4. make a request. How can I do this? From my feelings, I have identified what I need from dealing with a difficult person.The request needs to be something you would like from the other person rather than to stop them doing)

Would you be willing to stop calling me an ass hole in front of our son’

Okay, I know that I don’t have power over how other people react but I have power over how I respond. The most important person to worry about is YOU!  Your mental health – we all have it. bad or good.  It is of paramount importance.

Ooh, we got quite psycho babbley ( new word) this week, which kind of freaks me out but never fear because our lovely co facilitators took away the jargon and gave us a little bit of insight into how people behave. I  expand a bit more on this on  WEEK 9 WRAP CAM This is one theory among many. For super boffs you can read in depth  all about it  under the following link

THE DRAMA TRIANGLE- TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS THEORY

For those of us who want a simple understanding of what ‘the drama triangle’ is and how it works  check out the link below. Please be mindful that the drama triangle in this clip is used in the context of the working environment. It can also  be interpreted into all our relationships -work and non working life.

BASIC SHORT CLIP OF HOW THE DRAMATIC TRIANGLE WORKS

 In our group session we adapted the three roles as:

The hero – is the rescuer

The Villian – is the persecutor

The Victim– is still the victim.

In I expand on how these roles are formed and how we keep ourselves in the drama triangle. There is an abundance of research on transactional analysis theory and the Drama triangle.

It is important to have a basic understanding of how it works. WHY?

 So that we can become aware of when we  think we are starting to slip into these roles and also how to respond to another person who is in one of the three role.

The main point for me is to know what traits each role player has and how to get out of that role or change how I respond in that role.

A persecutor needs to become the assertive person . This person

  • stops denying that that they hurt, reject or punish others
  • Be assertive. Not aggressive. Express your needs and feelings whilst maintains respect for others.
  • Stop blaming and shaming. Learn from mistakes.
  • Stop judging others.Accept other people can have differences. Appreciate the fact that you can have your ideas and others can have theirs.
  • Mind your own business

A rescuer should aim to move to being a caring person

  • Stop basing your self esteem on helping others
  • Help people. Without letting them become dependant on you.tell  the victim that they are the best person to work out their own shit.
  • Stop feeling sorry for people. Stop enabling by giving money, advice or support.
  • Ask the victim how you can help them.  What do they want from you?
  • Be empathetic not sympathetic -share your experiences – put yourself in their shoes don’t tell them what to do with advice. You don’t know what it is really like for a person who is going through a rough time in whatever context.
  • Set limits/ boundaries on your caring
  • SAY NO

A victim should aim to move to a more vulnerable role.

  • Admit your own vulnerability and pain without lashing out at every other person but yourself
  • Stop expecting people to rescue you and tell people you don’t need a hero to rescue you.
  • Think and problem solve  for yourself. Ask for help if you need it. Be assertive not passive
  • Build your self-belief and your self esteem by taking action yourself. Recognise that you have the power and can use it appropriately
  • Walk away from people who don’t respect your boundaries.  Your triggers and feelings are good indicators for knowing when a boundary has been crossed. Your VALUES LIST from week  Five is handy to read over.
  • Accept that you are okay. you are cool.

HOW CAN I/YOU/WE  stay out of the drama triangle?

  • learn how to feel guilty without acting on that feeling of guilt.
  • Listen- without doing anything -the whole two ears one mouth thing applies here.
  • Don’t make assumptions about people. It is hard to not judge. If you are going to judge try and do it with a kind heart.
  • DO NOT underestimate how resourceful people are when they have no alternative choice but to hep themselves
  • Mix with positive and like minded people
  • Set boundaries. Walk away from those who disrespect you. If you need help with identifying boundaries look at your values list.
  • wise-mind – tone down you emotions and try and be objective not subjective and be logical not irrational
  • Be clear and honest about what you need

That is it!  Have an awesome thanks giving Black Friday and weekend.

P.S. I will also update  a small tips guide to over -thinking and social comparison Something else we covered this week.

 

 

 

POSSIBLY MY SHORTEST POST EVER

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