This is what it feels like
This is most probably going to sound manic. THE AIM: is to work through the going -on’s in my mind by bleeding it out.
This is what it feels like. THIS THING. IT. I haven’t eaten all day and I am buzzing. I’ve had 100 things reeling around my mind like an old fashioned movie projector.
Paint for the house
Look after Isabella
Book Isabella birthday
Ballet and tap
Sort out photos on the laptop
Book restaurant for my graduation and my birthday in Manchester.
Do family scrapbooks dating back to great great great grandparents -not because I’ve been asked by Bella Bees school to do this but because she needs to know her roots.
Go and see my Gran at her care home
Juggle the bills
Act normal even when I’m fizzing and popping like candy on the inside
Make sure Tatiana has not pissed on the floor
Wedding. All thing wedding-y
Must do exercise every day or else something bad will happen
clean house every day and night or I will have failed to accomplish all the goals I set myself
Play and chat with family and friends who are going through hard times
Avoid Haribos and cocktails
Don’t forget how to write
Am I frigid?
Am I fat/chubby/healthy
My teeth make me want to cry
So many things to think about. All at once. When I am doing things I am not eating. This sets off the Bipolar and I get impulsive. Okay, today I forgot the password on my mobile and all of a sudden I started thinking about getting a new phone. I can pay £300 for the phone. How? I don’t fucken know. I will go into my overdraft -take out the wedding money. My partner and Mom calmed me down. I need to wait. Be patient. Use those tools.
AAAAAAAARGH ! I’m in a boo. Finally, I get the phone unlocked. My insides are like ribbons being wound around by a bunch of kids on a maypole – round and round and square and then, feathers lightly tickle my insides. The anxiety. My Amygdala is firing up the dopamine minions. I feel invincible.
I don’t need to eat because I can do so much more in this state. For once I’m going to beast this demon. A live show- get your tickets now. I’m gonna show him I can beat him. (I’m sound like such a fucking old school feminist) how will I defeat my nemesis? I will use a scale and numbers to prove who is winning.
101 things to do
invite friends to Isabella’s party plus all the other things I need to do.
I need to understand blogging – I need to know all of it now.
I need to be the best volunteer. I want to change the community.
When I am high like this I can achieve these results because I am working on a higher frequency. I get results. People feel the glow. The charisma. Confidence. They too want a bit.
What’s that teeny tiny voice of thought trying to say? shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. oh fuck. you again.
Introducing tweedle Reasonable and twaddle rational. I actually do have the tools to stop this getting way out of hand. I’ve been known to disappear and take a walk on the wild side – do doo de doo
I miss my highs so much……
But are they worth it? I’m gonna take my PRN and wait for it to bring me down and then I’m gonna go back to doing things at the pace of a(scream it) dead woman walking.
Oh, shit the wedding. Practice mindfulness. How can I focus with so much going on? Everything has to be done today and it has to be perfect. Am I a bad Mom? Really? I do not need these kinds of thoughts right now. Do you know that I have a bunch of courses I have started on-line? I haven’t done them for over a week. I have a DBT course yet to start. Papers everywhere, the printer is jammed, I can’t remember which file goes where. I’ve got people who need me. I can’t let the people I know and have yet to know down. Shit, I bumped into my god-daughter today. I missed her birthday. I missed it. I see her walking towards me in town and she tries to dodge me -she is shy that way or maybe she sees the freaky deaky inside me. I stop her and reach into my purse. Force her to take the money. I feel good. I feel hungry. I can override that hunger by doing good. Be a good person.
Glug Glug .. washing down my PRN (prescription as needed) meds with Evian water. I know I need to eat and balance out my mind. One part of my brain says I haven’t done enough exercise. The other part says that I have been on the go all day and I’ve worked out really hard. I can’t afford to get obsessed about it because the tower deck of cards will tipple. Floored and flawed again and again.
I want to write better than average. This is an insane post. I am not insane. I know how to take back control. I will write a list of the things in my head that I need to do, hit print and pin it up. mmmmmmmmmmm What song should we have for our first dance? I love Billie Holiday.
mindful blogging. I’m onto something here. Copyrighted it already. ( haha) Okay, let’s work on it. Tap tap tap. Stop tapping the keyboard. I look around. I can vape. I need to vape. 5 clicks and I’m sucking and puffing.. la la la la la the hilly mounds in my head reverberate music round my mind. Remember this one?
My aunt used to sing ‘ puff the magic dragon’ to me when I was little. She ( wherever she is) used to say no wonder I became a drug addict. She also let my teeth on her Marlboro lights cig packet. When she told the story it sounded funnier. My phone is unlocked. YAY! I have hardly acknowledged my partner. Did I even thank him for dashing into town to get my phone? I need to check that one over with him.
Why can’t I write about the care home? Gran’s care home. Nothing tonight/ this morning will I ever be able to describe in words what it is like to be in a care home and look around at all the people lost in the past and not untouched. No stimulation. I decided to jazz it up today and put on a bit of ‘el divo’ today. Music stirs the soul indeed. These wonderful people came back to life for a few moments.
I have so many other posts I want to post at the same time as this one. I can’t. I can’t. I must eat. I have to eat. I have to come down a bit. My heart rate is coming down. This is what goes on in my mind when I feel high. At least I bought my mommy some sunflowers. I’m not a bad person. My heart is in the right place. I am a good person, I’m just a bit peculiar.
WOW, what a long post. I shall sign off with a quote ‘If it is not then it shall be’ Janet Lorraine a friend and resident in Long Grange care home