This is going to be a pretty tough post for me but I need to get it out and off my chest.  don’t want it to be a sob story. All I want is to be happy and I was happy for the past three years, and then it  came back and it has been haunting me ever since.

If you have read my bio, you will know that I have a chronic Anorexia diagnosis. I’ve been in and out of hospitals – switching from one addiction to the next, and the one that has really gripped me is the need to have control over my weight. Shit man, I’ve just typed a few words and already my heart is drumming and I’m sucking on my E.C. vape like it’s a crack pipe or something.  There will be some crazy stories about my time in hospitals -hilarious even. The most amazing thing is, I have been a stable weight of 61 kgs since 2011. A weight I could live with. Considering, I couldn’t live above 40 -50 kilograms most of my life. I am 34 in November. I have never been so happy. I have found my soul mate – he needs his own show. He is wonderful and supportive.  On the 13/ 10 2011. I gave birth to my Bella Bee. I never thought I could have children after all the damage to my heart, reproductive system, thyroid and hormones. All my life  I said I will never going to have children( it may have to do with my Ma cursing me with the words‘ When you are a mother I hope she will turn out like you. YIKES!- best contraceptive there is.)  I decided I would be an eternal party girl. At one point I was called ‘Miss bourbon’. I thought I was Janis Joplin. I had no commitments. I would do a bit of the Bolivian marching powder and a few E’s every now and then and then I met ‘he who shall not be named’. Bella bees sperm donor.

Long story short. We did not make a good couple. Violence, sexual abuse, mental mind games along with drinking and me overdosing and drinking a lot -did not make a great patchwork quilt for a harmonious relationship. My mental health was suffering. I was pregnant for the second time ( the first is another story altogether) with his baby. I had not connected my heart and soul with the fact I was going to have a child. I have no brothers or sisters. I’ve never babysat a kid. Nothing. I was trying to run away from a bad relationship and doing it by ‘escaping’ but not really going anywhere. If you get my drift.

December 2011 was a moment when everything changed for me. I was desperate to lose all my baby weight asap. I was going back into Anorexic mode. Not allowing myself to rest. Cleaning compulsively, doing everything for Bella bee- refusing help and most of all I was starting to throw bits of food away. I was in a shitty relationship and I thought ‘shiiiit this is pretty fucked up.’  This post isn’t about what happened the night I was arrested for assaulting my 12-week daughter due to his allegation and lies. I had to choose her over him and he decided to get revenge..  for the record I am by no means perfect.

well, I’ve started typing so I am just going to get it all off my chest. I met my soul mate not long after ( judge if you must, I don’t care). We have been together for 4 years and we are getting married in June 2016. So there. 😀

I turned my life around. I started exercising -my weight stabilised. I was experimenting with foods that I never thought I would eat. I mean in my extreme Anorexic days I survived on shitake mushrooms (not the magic kind) and  Coffee and Pepsi max for 3 years. I survived on Lemon,salt and balsamic vinegar for 2 years.  I finally felt normal. I could eat at restaurants.  At one point I couldn’t go grocery shopping with anyone. I went to a Travel conference in Bulgaria when I worked as a travel consultant. Every day/night we ate in restaurants. I didn’t eat a thing and I felt like the freak I was. I still had my non-safe foods list but I have been living life not trying to cease to be. I have been happy.

Fast forward to June 2015. My friend and I decided to to do a detox that she put together (she is qualified). I was starving and ate loads of free foods on day one and by day 2 of the 7-day detox, I was back to my old habits of eating (the happy version) Suddenly my weight started going up and up and up. I beasted myself with exercise but the weight still kept coming on. This brings us to today. Since June 2015 to 10 September 2105, my life has been invaded by those fucking maggots. They will not go away. GO AND CRAWL BACK TO THE WOODWORK!  I’ve started eating super healthy again. Rice cakes, protein, soya, fruit. Well,, my kind of healthy. Dionysus would be turning in his mausoleum.

It doesn’t go away. I’m now 65 kilograms and I have become obsessed again. I over-exercise -I make sure I walk everywhere and I am active constantly. I keep myself busy so I don’t think of food. HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?

I was happy. People tell me to chuck my scales away. Believe me, I am tempted. The body I have been proud of for three years has become fragmented. My partner and friends say I’m putting on muscle not weight. They can’t see it. There is not a day that weight and fat and food is not mentioned in my home.  My idea of hell. I have a beautiful daughter. I don’t want her to hear this bullshit.

I laughed at the ‘chronic’ diagnosis when I was well. I suppose, I never thought that it would always be in my head even if I am a safe weight.

I haven’t been sectioned or in a hospital since 2007. Don’t be fooled.

This Faustus infested demon has turned me into a person who has panic attacks again. I ask for naked photos to be taken. I don’t trust what I see in the mirror.

The more active I am and the less food I have the more manic I become. We are saving for our wedding next year. Oh my god. I already have my wedding dress and it just fits. No room for growth. I jump from one thought to the next -random and disorganised. I don’t want to be skinny and lose loads of weight.

I just want to be happy again.

Numbers. Numbers. Hate the numbers game. I don’t think I’ve got across exactly what I want to get across to other bloggers/readers.

 I speak to all of us who feel shit about ourselves. I’m fighting this bitch. It won’t take all my happiness for the rest of my days but it knows I’m tired, and that is when it becomes stronger. I don’t want to be around people. They might talk some sense into me and fool me. I’m like on a loop.

Hubby to be /friend/family member: ‘Your body hasn’t changed. you are thin …’

Me: ‘Are you sure?’

I want to believe them and then the compulsion to ask again and again comes back again and again.

It is hectic, stressful and depressing. I know how to be well. I don’t want to waste my life in numbers. I want to fight this. I want my life. This post is me saying – those magazines we buy, the ones with celebs and models are not real. NOT REAL. 

 Advertising is so powerful. It has been spoon-fed to us what we must look like to be acceptable. There is so much more to life. Family, my graduation  my daughter, my wedding, moving back to France. I want more children. So I’m going to leave you with a song that sums up all that my eating disorder feels like to me.  That is all from me tonight.

Time to go eats something. I am forcing myself.